humble are those who watch so cautious in the dark as if unconscious /with every last breath it would take to leave something arose on hallow's eve / untamed undead oh mercy me /
have you forgotten bout' the enchantress on hallow's eve she strikes her revenge upon only those who act innocent watching
closely while you sleep help oh lord she's got (sreams)-meeeeeeee! by:amber Brazil TELL ME HOW CAN I IMPROVE!
2006-10-25 04:15:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
8/10
You could lose the "(screams)"
Another than that, well done.
2006-10-25 04:18:57 · answer #1 · answered by Kendra 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's good. But the ending doesn't really work.
Try:
humble are those who watch so cautious in the dark as if unconscious /with every last breath it would take to leave something arose on hallow's eve / untamed undead oh mercy me /
have you forgotten 'bout the enchantress on Hallow's Eve/ she strikes her revenge upon only those who act innocent / watching
closely while you sleep help oh lord she's got me.....
and poems really don't have these-/- in them. That's more for song lyrics. What could really work is...
humble are those who watch
oh so cautious in the dark
as if unconscious
with every last breath it would take to leave
something arose on hallow's eve
untamed...undead....oh mercy me
have you forgotten 'bout the enchantress on Hallow's Eve
she strikes her revenge upon the innocent
watching closely while you sleep
help oh lord she's got me.....
alright, now Im going to put a few of my own comments....
humble are those who watch
oh so cautious in the dark
as if unconscious
with every last breath it would take to leave (what do you mean?)
something arose on hallow's eve
untamed...undead....oh mercy me ("oh mercy me" doesnt work so well)
have you forgotten 'bout the enchantress on Hallow's Eve
she strikes her revenge upon the innocent
watching closely while you sleep (love those three lines!)
help oh lord she's got me.....(this doesn't work so well with the rest of the poem)
So I think that the best way to improve it is to make it flow a bit better, change the way you phrase some of it, and that's basically all. It's really very good!!
Good luck.
2006-10-25 11:23:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
7
2006-10-25 11:17:48 · answer #3 · answered by smalltd28 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think its very good, and I would give it an 8, but if you had given it a name and wrote it in poem form, so we would know where to pause, you might have even a better poem. I'm a writer myself, I write songs, and have so since 1990. I have over 30 published works out there, so I might qualify to judge your poem. Keep up the good work. Good Luck!!!
2006-10-25 11:25:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm answering this one 'cause I was tricked into answering another poem question.
Join a crit group. A crit group will tell you what is good and what isn't so good about your poem, in return you will give crits to other poets. See, this works real good and every one is happily rhyming, or not-where have all the rhyming poems gone?
You can find a crit group by going to Yahoo groups and typing in: Poetry Groups or Poetry Critique Groups.
2006-10-25 11:45:12 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would give it a 6. Its nice yes but you need to really use more of that brain power on better subject poems.Yes halloween is coming soon, but there are so many better subjects that you can hit on that would give your words more meaning and butter understanding of what your trying to say or show.
2006-10-25 11:21:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
a 6 maybe or 7. it sounds like a horror movie so good for you. lol.
2006-10-26 10:50:58 · answer #7 · answered by Ginnykitty 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Break it down into shorter stanzas, so its an easier to follow poem.
2006-10-25 11:19:05 · answer #8 · answered by Ronijn 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
8.5
Good.......
2006-10-25 11:23:29 · answer #9 · answered by romey_737 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋