Should I see my baby born at 20 weeks or will this hurt more?

Question

I'm 20 weeks today. My waters broke and my OB says I will be in labour and give birth within the week. The baby cannot be saved. There is no amniotic fluid and the baby will not be viable until 26 weeks. Even if the baby miraculously kept living in there to 26 weeks, he or she would probably need to live in a bubble all his or her life, because there would be no lung development without amniotc fluid. This is what my DR says.

My question in order to try to prepare for this traumatic experience is the birth process: After I deliver this 20 week old baby, should I hold him or her and see if he or she was a boy or girl? Or will this hurt me more? Will I regret if I don't see him or her? My husband doeesn't want to, because he feels he's already distraught enough and thinks seeing the baby would do us in. Part of me wants to just deliver the baby and try to put it all behind me and never know anything about him or her but will I regret that the rest of my life? Please help if you can!

Answer 1

I had the same happen to me. Except I was only 16 weeks along. My water broke and I had a horrible labor. I didnt hold my baby, but I did have the nurse hold it up to me. He was so tiny that I cried knowing that two minutes before I had seen his heartbeat. I hope you are strong enough to handle what is being tossed at you. My husband couldnt stomach it either. I had my baby baptised before I left him though. I do now wish I would have held him.

Answer 2

I'm so so so sorry. I'll pray for you.

Could anything honestly hurt you more right now? Do you have a pastor or a counselor to talk to? I think you should ask the hospital for a social worker at least.

I'm a social worker, and a mom. I think it will hurt like hell to see him/her and hurt not to. I think you might regret it, but don't force your husband to if he can't handle it.

You don't have to hold the baby, though you might want to. Another option is to ask the hospital to take photos of the baby so you will always have the option to look later...you or your husband may never be ready, but you'll have the choice.

Seeing the baby will hurt like hell, but it may bring your closure you never have without it. Only you can decide.

This is a loss, a death of a child, not a miscarriage (which is awful).....allow yourself that.

My friend, my cousin, and another friend went through this....they all saw the baby....two don't talk much about it, one has a shelf in her house with Kayla's photo and a box with her blanket in it.....there is no right or wrong way.

Please get counseling.....be good to each other.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Answer 3

Oh, hon, I wish that I could hold you and give you comfort at this time....

Your emotions are going to be ALL over the place, and your decisions will be shifting....but from what I've read in my nursing journals, a lot of women take comfort in saying some sort of "goodbye". HOWEVER, you're going to be the one who decides, which is tough at a time like this....

If you think it's just too much to face, though....why not ask the nurses beforehand if they can help? Maybe they can get a picture of the swaddled babe or a handmolding FOR you....if you want it later....nice to have that option. Please ask. You won't be the first woman (and family) they've aided through the grief of loss.

And PLEASE ask about support afterwards in your mourning; there may be a parents' group at the hospital with other people who've been through this, who have some idea of how you feel.

May the dear Eternal of your understanding give healing to your hearts.

Answer 4

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My mom lost a baby when she was 37 weeks. We all held the baby, and cried. It was really hard to lose a sister (because I still think of her that way). I personally would want to see the baby so that I could feel some sense of closure. However, You may want to look at it as more of a miscarriage. Those are easier to "get over", and since you are not far enough along for it to survive that might be the way to go.Do what feels right and remember to hold you husband and let him hold you. You are both mourning the same thing, let it pull you together.

Answer 5

20 weeks is pretty small .from experience i would want to hold and see my baby even if it doesn't pull through it is still a part of you and your husband if he doesn't want to see it that's fine .but this child was living in you .you will regret not knowing what it was what it look like how you would have felt if you held it .it is some thing that will for ever be in the back of your mind but it will help you come past this bad time and move on with no regrets of not ever getting to see and hold this beautiful little messenger that was living in you.he or she is still always going to be a part of you i say you should see and hold your baby and greet it properly ,its not a monster its a tiny little angel think of it as that good luck and god bless

Answer 6

I had a toddler extraordinarily much 3 weeks in the past now and that i'm basically 17. He became born 2 days after his due date and became & is wholesome as could nicely be. you'll be ok BH contractions are popular at this diploma. And approximately those video reveal contraptions and not feeling your contractions, thats popular too. in simple terms 3 days formerly i became quite admitted to the medical institution to have my toddler, that comparable element befell to me. i did no longer sense a element and that i became having contractions. Having a toddler for the 1st time is quite frightening, or perhaps once you have him, issues dont get any much less complicated. you will freak out with reference to the littlest issues which you hit upon incorrect with him. yet thats ok, which potential your a sturdy mom. you would be ok i'm particular, If he have been to be born perfect now, he might have an exceedingly sturdy risk of surviving. He could could stay in the medical institution slightly longer to make particular he's large, yet he will greater desirable than in all risk be ok. GL and Congrats!! :)

Answer 7

I just want to say that I am soo sorry. This has to be the hardest thing anyone can face. I personally think you should see the baby....It will give you some kind of closer. If you don't see it you will always think what if ??. Take pictures hold it etc. Even though the baby did not make it remember that it is still your child. Besides most hospitals now days require that you bury the child. My prayers are with you. Remember it is not your fault!

Answer 8

They have special equipment and even a spray that helps with the lung development. I think you should seek a second opinion first of all try to find that one special doctor who is willingly to fight as hard as you are for the baby's life. Second I would say to hold the baby and treasure every moment you do get. I have had 7 miscarriages and would give anything to have been able to hold all of them. Third I would say pray because miriacles happen everyday and they can happen for anyone.

Answer 9

First, let me say I'm deeply sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel.
Second, now this answer comes from my heart's first instinct about this, I think it's going to hurt no matter what you do. Yeah, you could not see the baby and try to 'forget' about the baby, but that's NOT going to work. Forgetting only causes pain later. I say, see your baby, hold your baby, name your baby, and hold a memorial service for your baby. Grieve is so very important. Sure, it's going to be painful and depressing, but I think it's imporant to know and remember your baby. I see you only torn in guilt and regret later in your life if you dont' do this. I wish you the best.

Answer 10

Me personally, I don't think that you should try to hold the baby. Like your husband stated, it is already distraught enough knowing that this will happen. I think the best thing to do is after the delivery, let the doctors take the baby away. You don't want to be more upset than what you are. Pray and ask God to give you strength to get through your situation.