Divorce: has anyone gone through a divorce and managed to stay close with their ex?

Question

My husband of 7 years and I are in the process of separating and I don't know anyone who has ever gone through anything like this. He and I are best friends, and care about each other a lot- but we've realized that we aren't good together as husband and wife. We've been in counseling for 4 years, in case anyone suggests that route. The relationship just doesn't work.

Is it possible to stay friends with an ex? How did you get through this difficult period? We don't have kids together, but I hope we are able to continue being "family."

How did you do this? Please share your divorce experiences.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It's going to be very difficult to decide which is best- wish I could somehow share the points...

Answer 1

It is possible; my ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and we are better friends now then when we were married (16 years of marriage). In our case the first few months were difficult, we needed to take the time to adjust to not having a husband/wife relationship. But over time, with effort on both our parts, we have grow close again. It has help us in that we have both acknowledge that we make better friends and that being anything more will never be possible, it also helped that after so long together we too cared very much about each other. We were just no longer "in love" with each other. So don't give up, understand that there will be ups and downs, and that from time to time he will have parts of his life that you are no longer part of.

Answer 2

I know that right now this feels like a huge deal and you are probably having a ton of anxiety worrying about him finding out. But I think the best thing for you to do is to tell him before his ex somehow mentions it. There is a chance that she wouldn't bring it up and he won't find out, but you'll still feel bad about it. I think if you tell him honestly, before it comes out some other way, he will understand. I really don't think it's that bad. I hate using alcohol as an excuse but it clearly was only because of the alcohol, and your friends getting you worked up over nothing. With that combo, I'm surprised you didn't do something worse than shooting a text pretending to be him. What if you just sent her a text as yourself, attacking her as if it were a fact that they had kissed? That would've been so much worse. Yes you were conniving in the sense that you posed as him, but I think it was an honest drunken mistake, and he will forgive you if you are honest and apologetic.

Answer 3

Been married twice, and friends with them both. First husband: In the end, he wanted children, I did not. We parted as friends, he married someone young enough to have children.... they never did - don't know why. We still talk to each other several times per year. Second husband became a drunk + several other addictions. When it included another lady, I left. He was at the bottom of the barrel. He got into AA, and during the year, began to become again the neat guy I knew. Never wanted him back as a husband, but we stayed friends, even shared the experiences of internet dating.

Answer 4

Me - twice.
Well the first, we are still friends or were for a very long time (approximately 7-8 years)...but we've lost touch since.
The second, I'd say I tolerate him, because you don't upset crazy people...lol. But he's found someone else now, so he's letting go of whatever it was that he thought I was doing that was pissing him off or making him act like an a$$hole. But I hear from him about once every 3 months now and I let him give me the run down of how his life is going. Give him the mandatory sympathy or congratulations as necessary and done.

Answer 5

It sounds as though you at least gave it a good try. It would be possible, it seems, if you have both sat down and discussed how things will be 'after'. How you will both deal with any potential jealousy issues when either of you start dating again (that is usually one of the biggest issues for both parties). If you can both get along on your own financially (also a big issue when one party is struggling while the other is 'living it up'). If you both walk away with a feeling that things ended fairly and you are doing the best thing not only for yourself, but for your (former) partner - I would say you have a good chance of doing a Will and Grace kind of thing (minus the gay thing, lol).

Answer 6

I've been divorced from my husband for 14 years. Last year, on the urging of my daughter, my boyfriend and I invited him to stay with us for Christmas Eve and Day as he had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend. We didn't want him to be alone. Now, I won't say it was the most comfortable situation, but it showed my daughter what is important. It took a while for us to become friends again, but it is worth it for the children.

Answer 7

I haven't been divorced before, but I have seen people get along after a divorce. It comes with understanding. I believe how you both have approched this juncture in you lives is one of understanding. It's usually when someone feels rejected for no apparent reason that things get bitter and hateful. I think you'll do fine, but try to remember, any new guy will probably have a wierd feeling about your 'friend' status with your ex husband. Men don't like to see other men who have had sex with their gal.

Answer 8

I was with my husband and had 3 lovely children, he also had a son to his first marriage that live with us when we broke up.
We agreed on the divorce, and to this day 20yrs later we are still good friends. His Son still calls me Mum and visits me regular as his mother never contacted him again after she left when he was 2.
I was also in another relationship for 13yrs of that time, that relationship broke down as well. We don't see each other often but are in contact frequently as he had a lot to do with my children when they were growing up and he still has a great relationship with them.
He was even friends with my ex husband and during our time together we often had my ex husband and his new wife over for barbeque's. To be honest it was great especially for my children's sake.
They have grown up to be well rounded adults, and I couldn't be happier.

Answer 9

I divorced my husband because he was emotionally abusive and addicted to gambling. However, I wanted to be his friend. He had been a wonderful stepfather to my children and we shared a daughter. He loved his stepgrandchildren too and I had no desire to take him out of our lives. I just refused to continue to live with a man who gambled away the money we earned and who was emotionally disconnected from me. We did remain close and we later shared a home and I took care of him during his last years. I'll always be glad I chose to do that so that he could continue to be surrounded by a loving family. I felt such peace as we buried him, still surrounded by his family.

Answer 10

I have tried to be on good terms with my ex and for the most part, we've been. We are going thru a rough time right now, as I increased his support. I hope to get back on better terms in the future.