How can I deal with my husband’s crazy ex-wife?

Question

The reason they are divorced, is because she cheated on him. She is still with the guy that she cheated with, and seems happy with him. She and my husband have four children together. I love his children, and they love me, too. That is a wonderful thing in itself. She hates me. She bad-mouths us to their kids. His 14-year-old daughter barely even talks to him now because of her ‘poison’. The ex physically attacked me one night when we were getting some medical papers from her regarding their youngest son. She also called me fat and a gold-digger. We live in a small community, and she has been telling people (parents of their children’s friends) that she feels sorry for my husband, because he and I don’t have a good relationship, and that my two daughters and their three sons fight constantly…NONE of which is true. People have told him what she is saying. We can’t move, because the court ordered that his boys had to go to this school.

They have joint custody (50/50), a week at a time, so there is a constant exchange of papers & information. She lives less than ¼ mile from us. She calls our house like crazy when the boys are with us, “to talk to them, because she misses them”. I feel like she lives in our house…her presence does anyway.

Also, my husband seems obsessed with what she will do next, and we spend a lot of time talking about her, because she is driving us crazy. I know this is not healthy, and I suggested that he stop bringing her up. He said that if he didn’t bring her up, that I would…and he is right. Has anyone else had any experience with this kind of thing? Please, only sincere answers. Thank you.

Answer 1

Sounds as though you have a real psycho ***** on your hands. Forgive my bad choice of words. Anyway, I would simply stop talking about her unless it is absolutely necessary. Keep her out of your conversations with your husband. And as far at her rumors,they are just that and obviously out of jealousy. And also regarding her calling names, who cares, what is she an adulteress, psycho ***** from hell, and obviously a very miserable human being. Do yourself a favor and be nice to her no matter what, when she calls just be pleasant, kill her with kindness then go in the other room and scream. She is feeding off or making you unhappy and it brings her joy. So do not allow her to know it bothers you. Do not absolutely do not talk badly about her in front of the children, they will learn on their own as they grow. Anyone with real common sense can see right through her, do not give her the satisfaction of knowing she is getting under you skin, and she will end up the one with ulcers and in misery, she is already miserable or she would not be acting like this. Good luck to you, I know it is a very difficult situation however for the sake of your marriage try to ignore her. And if she ever in her life puts her hands on you again, call the police and press charges, perhaps some time in jail will give her the opportunity to change her ignorant attitude. Good luck and God bless

Answer 2

Oh boy. You poor thing!

If you want to continue seeing the children as much as you do (the 50/50 custody), then there isn't anything you CAN do. You cannot change her actions, all you can do is change how you react to them. And it sounds as if you are reacting very maturely, which is the best you can do.

It is possible to bring this to the courts. There is something about how one parent can't verbally bash the other to the children, though I'm not sure what it's called. A coworker of mine had to do this, and the custody rules were changed so that he got full custody. You should call a lawyer to get more information about this.

It is possible that the strain she is putting on you both can ruin your marriage. Perhaps moving, even if it means seeing the children less, might be the best thing.

Answer 3

First of all quit giving her the power to control your emotions. She is gonna attempt to annoy you, never forget that. My best advice would be to Gaurd your heart. I kinda view my ex- as a sick person, try to empathize, but not excuse her actions.
When it comes to "posioning" her own children, they will eventually figure this out, and realize what she has done, and resent her for it. I would be leary of letting the relationship break down between the father and the 14-year old, to be blaimed squarley on the mother. He must still attempt to reconnect with his daughter, and read books on how to do this. Realize that he will be the absolute measure of a man in her life. And must be present and affirming for her to be emotional healthy. Regaurdless of what gets thrown at him, no one can replace his role, it's one of the most important in any childs life.
Becareful yourself not to let the children see/ hear you discussing the ex- , you never know what perception they will walk away with. When they are adults, they will understand, for now let them be children. If anything try to compliment what you can about her, even if it's only to say , thier mother loves them. ( which I am sure she does, to the capacity of which she understands love)
Own your actions, forgive your enemies, cause if you hold onto the bitterness, it will engulf you and your marraige. And ultimatley she will win, you don't forgive her for her, you do it for you. It's a very selfish act. Your husband has 50/50 custody, there's really not a whole lot she can do. And when you quit reactiong, she will eventually give up.
I would consider moving a bit further away though, 1/4 mile is too close for my comfort, but hey, it's your life, you need to determine that.

Answer 4

I feel for you. We're in sort of the same situation. Our only saving grave is the fact that we live in two different states. We have two children from his previous marriage, the oldest being autistic, and his mother has poisoned his mind against me and his father. Our middle child wants to live with us full time but since there's two states involved, the one doesn't seem to think that fathers are capable of raising their children so we're going to have to wait a few more years before the courts will let her decide. We have a 4 months old son together and, naturally, our oldest thinks that his dad doesn't want anything to do with him now that he's been replaced (he knows that's the gospel because that's what his mother told him!). His ex has even gone so far as to tell my husband's family (and anyone who will listen) that he abused her physically and sexually. Needless to say, it's not a good situation.

As hard as it is, we really try to live our lives and not let her pettiness get to us. We know what the truth is and all we can do is love the kids. No matter what she says, we do not put her down. If the kids say something to us along the lines of "Mom says..." we listen to what they have to say and then ask them how they feel. We keep the lines of communication as open as we can (which is difficult since Mom has to listen into our telephone conversations and "prompt" the kids with what to tell us). Hopefully, in time, the will see that we've tried to provide them with a secure environment, that we love them unconditionally and that our door is always open to them. We've quit trying to fight with her over what she says as it seems to give her more fuel. Also, you'll find out really fast who your true friends are. I've gotten to the point where I just roll my eyes and sigh when people tell us about things the ex has said.

You and your husband may want to seek some family counseling, at least for the two of you and possibly for the children as well. You can't allow his ex to keep imposing her will on the two of you or it is going to cause too many problems in your life and marriage. She's winning at this point because she's keeping herself the main topic of conversation in your life.

Answer 5

Can't give crazy people even the slightest bit of attention, they just want more and more and more.
YOU don't deal with her at all, she isn't your problem. Obviously your husband has too. But he should only deal with her on a as necessary basis. Always be short and quick with her and act as though she doesn't bother him. Eventually she will move on to make someone else miserable because she can't get a rise out of you guys.
As for her poisoning the children, unless its having a detrimental affect on the children, and he can prove they need therapy because of it, there isn't anything you can do. If she's really in the wrong, the kids will see it as they get older and the tables will turn.
As for her gossiping, there again. Giving her any reaction is only fueling her. Ignoring her will give her nothing else but to turn to someone else.

Answer 6

Welcome to hell. Been there myself. The best advice that I can give you is to keep everything simple. Don't get into long conversations with her, don't argue, don't bicker. You will not win. You and your husband need to keep every conversation as short and to the point as possible. For example, if it's his turn to pick up the kids and he needs to confirm the time, he should call her and say "I will be there to pick up the kids at 4:30...please have them waiting outside". Then hang up. When he arrives to pick up the kids, there doesn't need to be any communication between him and the ex, except for maybe "I'll have them home on Sunday at 3:00". Then he drives away. That's it. No need to give her the opportunity to start a fight.

The more you get into it with her, the worse it's going to get.

As for the bad mouthing she does to the kids about you and your husband...there's nothing you can do about it. NEVER bad mouth her around the kids. Set the example by being the adults and providing a stable environment for them. Trust me, they will come to prefer it over the negative environment that she is providing for them.

Just remain cool and keep it simple.

Answer 7

It's a terrible answer, but this is what you married in to, voluntarily. This is what it is and it's probably not going to change. If anyone had the power to change her, it would have already happened. Unfortunately this is why second marriages with step-children involved have a higher failure rate than first marriages.

I am not trying to scare you, nor dooming you to failure, I am pointing out that you are probably wasting your time banging your head against a wall hoping that the situation is going to get better. It's not. You need to ACCEPT that this is how its going to be until the children are grown. Fighting it is absolutely futile. You HAVE to accept her for who she is and roll with the punches.

Answer 8

i would suggest the week you have them to bring them out often so when she trys calling no one is home, or just simply put the ringers off, and say u want quiet time... anything she does dont bother with her, she is just looking for a rise of out you guys and its working... neither of you mention her, what u should make is a jar, whenever either of u guys mention her its 2$ in the jar... and it will bring a laugh to you and your husband... at the end of the week take the money and go eat at a nice restaurant... and cheers to her... you cant let her bother you, when u begin ignoring her, she will get more aggressive but eventually she will stop... play her game... remember the best medicin is your own!

Answer 9

There is no reason for her to call when the kids are at your house and I would go bac k to court to get it stipulated in the doucuments. There is nothing you can do about her spreading rumors..she is childess and this is what children do. You should have put your foot up her assss long ago...like when she attacked you and none of these doings would proabably be going on. Your hubby needs to put his damn foot down and put his ex in her place before someone really gets hurt.

Answer 10

my brother has the same issue with his ex, my sis inlaw talks to me about it and its your same story except the ex lives 3 states away, thats almost the same drama as a mile away. the ex talks bad in front of the girls and it reflects how they feel, the oldest doesn't listen to her nother but the yougest hears and takes it all in, the ex now has the youngest writing letters have why daddy why to my brother that seems very uch written like an adult, not my neice. but here is how they try to keep it calm and keep there relationship seperate. my sis in law, kills her with kindness, no matter what the ex says she just smiles and laughs and says thanks and sure, whatever you want. my brother seems to tweak about it alot, but my sis in law keeps him calm by handling every thing. she saves every receipt of things she and him has bought, from school supiles, doc bills, presents, money orders, everything, then she has set up, college, wedding, car, trust funds. she writes letters everymonth to say what they both have been doing all month and sends a copy to them and keeps a copy, and buys keep sake nicnacs, and keeps them in a hope chest for later in life to show they did help with money, and they did write, and they did buy them things. and they have thier days that they talk about the family issues, so its not brought up all the time. most of this might not help you seeeing how your issue is down the street, but remember she says the mean things because she feels guilt from her cheating issues, they have nothing to do with you, nut in her mind they do because you are now making him happy where she failed, and it probly pisses her off. so when she talks her smack just think that in your head and smile like it ain't no thang.