I can't forgive my wife on this one issue. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of hurt and gotten over it?

Question

I'm separated and devastated (for 6 months). I have forgiven my wife for all but one thing. She never tried once to work on our 14 year marriage with two kids. I wasn't an abuser or a drunk.... We just took each other for granted. She wants nothing but to divorce and live a happy life in a townhouse with her two kids (50/50 custody). She was very religious and this goes against everything we believe in. I'm so sorry for my part of this mess yet she won't even try for the sake of the kids, friends, or good memories..... nothing! We had a good life, I am fit, and we had fun in the bedroom. Right now, if this ends in divorce, I feel that I can't forgive her and won't even speak to her ever again.

-If I have any contact at all it will be through email or something and only for the kids. I have forgivien her for an affair, not communicating her feelings and being bitter with me.

The only warning I got was she was acting like she was having a midlife crisis. -wanted a BMW convertible, hang out with rich friends. She in fact had an affair with a doctor.... Thats what I get for being an average guy that worked hard, never drank, or smoked. I was happy with our minivan (i thought it was cool). Now the kids will end up like us. Siblings of divorced parents with too much baggage....

Answer 1

Sounds like she is loosing on a really good man. I am sorry for your pain, however, you know deep inside this is not about you. She is who she is and it sounds as though she is always looking for the greener side of life or the better opportunity. She will get just what she has put out there and then some. this doctor will see what she is about and he will soon move on with and probably will cheat on her and give her the same treatment she gave you. You have got to gain some control over your emotions and try to find some happiness within yourself. You deserve better and you will feel better once you begin to heal from this situation. You have been betrayed. You may even try to get some counseling to assist you in dealing with this. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

You and I are two peas in a pod dude! My first wife was a bible college grad. She married me because i was destined to go to med school. She lasted five years and we had two children. She made a huge production out of the divorce having family and Friends there when she told me. When I said it would be the best thing and agreed she hit the roof. From that day on she was the most evil person I have ever witnessed. I got the kids in the divorce so that sparked some of her resentment, but still, religious women who go for divorces seem so bitter. I wasn't the best husband but as you can tell from who got custody, I wasn't near the worst. I would say for you to do as I have and move on. I am soooo happily married every day is a gift. However, do like I did, go after someone so drop dead gorgeous it will make your x-wife insane!

Answer 3

I've dealt with this - for 2 1/2 yrs. now. The bitterness has faded a bit but will probably take years to really go away. My ex didn't want to work on anything after he met the new love of his life (a 21 yr. old 200 lb. coworker). I had always felt guilty about the weight I gained after having our child and going through breast cancer treatments. I even felt bad for putting him through tough times because of my breast cancer, lol. I had always thought we were on the same page with what we wanted out of our lives and for our child. I was wrong. My ex still can't look me (or any of my family) in the eye. And the relationship that was fabulous enough to leave his wife and kid for didn't last. Now he is dating yet another tramp.
One thing you could do is - if you truly want answers - is to try to amend the separation agreement and mandate that the two of you go through at least 6 mos. of counseling and try to work things out for the sake of each other and the kids. Children of divorce suffer throughout most of their lives because of their parents. Todays society is so oriented on selfishness that all else is thrown to the wayside. Setting good examples for our children and teaching them that perseverance in a relationship (unless abuse is involved) can be rewarding should be a priority. There should be no such thing as a 'no fault' divorce. There's always fault.

Answer 4

You are hurting now because you know she will not try to work this out with you hence this separation is final. Before with the other issues you dealt with you knew that it was up to you to give a second chance. Now she is the one that will have to decide and that makes you feel uncomfortable and hurt.
Whatever the end result may be you need to keep the communication and interaction between the two of you because you have two children together. You need to work unconditionally on that one even though she may be disrespectful, rude and heartless.

Good luck and things will go better in the future. Promise.

Answer 5

You need to talk to a counselor about how you're feeling. I speak from experience in that the only person suffering from your bitterness is you. She has made it clear how she feels, and the sooner you accept it the better.

Maybe it was more than taking each other for granted that caused the marriage to fail. Also, it should not be for the sake of the kids, family or memories that you decide to stay together. It should be because both parties WANT TO BE TOGETHER. Maybe the anger you're feeling is because she doesn't want to be with you, and that can be very hard to accept.

Think about your kids for a moment: Will they be happier with two parents, who though divorced, still love them and want to do what's best for them? Should they be forced to watch two people muddle through life because "it's best for them?" Do you want your children to shy away from you because you are so bitter?

I was angry with someone for ten years. They knew I was, they even tried to re-establish ties with me. My anger and bitterness overwhelmed me. I recently contacted the source of my anger; to my surprise, she was relieved and happy to hear and see me again. We had an honest, candid talk about what happened. I have forgiven her for what she did, though I'll never forget. The important thing is that the weight of the bitterness has been removed and I have gotten on with my life.

You have to get help with your feelings as soon as you can so you don't waste your life. Yes, you should be hurt and angry. Yes, you've been betrayed. But the anger and bitterness you have is turning itself inward and is damaging YOU.

Please find a professional who will help you deal with your feelings and regain perspective. Best of luck to you in these trying times.

Answer 6

Kudo's to your loyalty. You sound like a very honorable man.

The problem is it sounds like your wife maybe has kept too many things inside of herself for so long she just can not be with you any longer.

When you stay with someone just for the kids or just because of your religion or whatever......You tend to become resentful and you place all that hurt on the other person.

She was probably not as happy with you as you would have liked her to be (or she would not have cheated and moved out).

This is probably not easy for her either. But something she has finally decided to do. And she does not want to go back.

If she wants to divorce you...you can not stop her. But you can continue to do what is best for yourself and your children.

Often times things happen to us in our life and we don't understand at the time why? But be assured there is always a reason for things happening the way they do and they always turn out for the best.

You can and will be happy again. Perhaps happier than you have ever been before. Then you will be thankful to her for doing this to you. Until then just try to hang on and do the best you can with what you have.

Good luck to you!!!! You really will be OK!

Answer 7

I feel for you. But the only thing you can do is let her be. I know its hard but if she does give your marriage another try how long will it last? I'm guessing she is done why else would she have a affair. Was the affair over and if it was for how long? You have to still talk to her you have two children together. You sound like a very nice person and she's a fool to give that up. Be the better person and let her go.

Answer 8

I have never been cheated on and pray that I never will. I can only share with you suggestions to help you.

Try seeing a therapist. You need someone to talk to. It helps to get the pain out.

Look for a support group of some kind. That way you can make a friend who has been through the same kind of thing and you can help support each other.

It is good that you are communicating just for the sake of the kids. They are going through a rough time too and it is important to remain as civil as possible to help them through this difficult time.

In my opinion, 6 months is still very fresh. I know that the saying "Time will heal," sucks, but from experience of two divorces, it is true. Though it take take close to a year before I started to feel a bit better.

One more thing - if you can one day find it in your heart to forgive, you will be able to move on. It is not necessary for you to tell her...just know it in your heart. Forgive her for being weak and you will be able to move on to a much brighter future and possibly a much brighter woman!

Good Luck and sorry for your pain.

Answer 9

well my friend my x did the same thing to me for about the same reasons after 21 years of marriage, What really hurt was her best friend telling me that she had told her that i was not a man's man i did not drink i did not curse, i did not hit her. her girlfriend my god what kind of man do you want. the only thing your wife knows for sure is that she don't want you. sorry there is no better way to put it. my x felt that there was something better out there, so now six years later would take me back, because her life has gone down hill since then. it took a long time for me to heal, and that's what your going to have to do is heal, for the sake of your children. forgiveness is easy, its the hurt and forgetting that's not. nothing you can say or do will change her mind because your soon to be wife does not know who she is and what she wants in life, the journey she is starting on she feels she has to because of many emotional reasons that she will not discuss with you. in my divorce thou i told my wife that i would fight for primary custody of the children, and did and won. i gave my wife everything well we were married, she had a 4400 sq foot home, maid service etc, and the freedom to do what she wanted, now she works for a living, has lost the home, and is living alone. my kids are doing wonderfully. i wish you all the best .

Answer 10

Shame, I feel sorry for you. 14 years with someone and they decide to leave, it is painful, I've been married also for 14 years, my husband has cheated on me several times, but I have forgiven although I have not forgotten anything. You will forgive one day, but will surely not forget. I see you are a religious person and that is good, but surely speaking I do not really understand the her reason of leaving you. Is she seeing someone. It will be difficult to make her stay if she has decided to stay because you will both be unhappy at the end of the day. Maybe now she is not thinking, and will realise what mistake she is making and come back to you. I pray for you and hope all will be well. Good luck. Just be strong and prepare yourself for whatever happens, but pray for the best.