How long should I wait for my husband to decide?

Question

For 18 years of marriage my husband was agressive and controlled everything. Where he comes from men are head of family but I think that position stressed him. I put up with it for the sake of our daughter now 16 but I was very unhappy. However, I loved and still love him very much. Last year I found out he was having an affair and taking Viagra (he is 41). I was very hurt. He said affair didn't mean anything etc etc but he wanted to move out so he could re-assess what he wants to do in life as he always had to please others and compromise. Now he lives alone but comes back to our house every weekend. He treats me really well and we are enjoying our time together, but I can't understand why he needs to live away from us in order to treat us well? When I suggest that perhaps he should stay away in order to work out what he wants he gets upset and says he won't be given ultimatums, but I don't think thats what I am asking. Can't he see what he is doing to me?

Answer 1

dump him before he does

Answer 2

You need to decide what you want in your marriage, and if it's possible to get it from your husband. Clearly this situation isn't working for you. Also, he's not doing anything to you, you are allowing this to be done.

If you really love your husband and want to be with him, suggest to him that you both go for marital counseling. You'll either find out what gone wrong or come up with the tools to live with the situation until you make the decision to move on. It seems like the two of you have not communicated well during most of your marriage. You don't understand why he needs to stay away in order to treat you well, and he can't discuss it without becoming upset. You've both set an unhealthy example for your daughter; she'll build relationships and make decisions based on what she's seen from you both.

Call him and ask to meet with him somewhere other than your home, some neutral territory. Not a restaurant or bar, but maybe a park or some other quiet place. Tell him that you want to understand what's happening in your marriage. Let him know that your attempts to understand aren't meant to upset him, but to make sense of things. Tell him, for both your sakes, it's time to get some counseling. Aside from having to make plans for your future, together or apart, you need to think about how this is impacting your daughter.

If he doesn't agree to go, then you go by yourself and leave the door open for him to join you. You can't continue to live a life in limbo.

You don't say how long he's been living on his own or if you're intimate with him. If you are having sex with him, I suggest that you stop until you've both been tested for STD's. If he refuses, then don't go near him. He put your relationship and health at risk when he had the affair. If he has any love or respect for you, this is the very least he can do.

Answer 3

Yes, he can see what he is doing too you! He is still controlling you even though he isn't living at home anymore. You sound like you still love your husband, but if you ever want too truely happy, you need too divorce him. He won't like it because You want a divorce but the only reason he won't is because he knows that once you are free of him, he will have no more control over you.He is probably still having that "Afair that didn't mean a thing", and is staying home on the weekends just too keep you right where he wants you. I'll bet that if you do tell him you are getting a divorce he will want too come back home, but lord woman, why in the world would you want him too? No love is worth that!! If you divorce this man you can find someone that will be good too you and actually treat you like a partner, then you will see that all the years you've wasted on him was just not worth it!

Answer 4

Yes, he knows exactly what he is doing and doesn't care.
Since this is the 4th time you've posted this question, I'm not sure what answer you are looking for. You know you should make the decision for him and move on with your life, but you said you don't have the backbone to do it. People are going to keep telling you, that your husband is a control freak and to take the control back and move on. What do you want to hear? Stay, keep hoping for the rest of your life that he comes back all the while dating other people, while he leaves you at home pining away for him? If that's what you want to do then do it. Don't take any action, keep wondering when he'll come back to you, and let him lead his life the way he sees fit while he leaves you hanging.

Answer 5

I think that you should tell him that you need to decide what you want. It's not an ultimatum that your are giving him, you are telling him what you want. It's either all or nothing. If he doesn't want to live with you, then you don't want to be with him at all. He can't do this to you and when you put your foot down, he'll realize that. How can he expect you to settle for an agreement like this? It's not fair to you, you have feelings too. You said it yourself you were unhappy. If he wants to see your daughter, then allow him to have her for the weekend. If you settle for this type of arrangement, then you will always be a sucker. You will never be able to move on and seek happiness and stability in your life. The sooner he realizes that, the better off you will be.

Answer 6

You are making excuses for his behaviour by blaming his culture or whatever, he is the person he is, he has a choice to act however he wants also if being in that position stressed him out why did he continue to be so controlling & why did he not choose to be your equal? you are still allowing him to take control of the situation, you probably know that he is still having an affair he is having the best of both worlds one woman for the weekdays and you on the weekends, how does he treat you well? you need to be strong and take control of the situation look at what is truly going to make you happy is being in the situation you are in the answer, think about being true to yourself and start living your life to the fullest with or without that loser only you know what you are going to do

Answer 7

Your husband is being very selfish. He is only thinking about him and him only. I would tell him, NO, your not going to have your cake and eat it too. Make up your mind what you want NOW so that you can move on with your life. That's crazy! He had the affair, he moved out, and now he doesn't like being given an ulitimatum!!!!!! Don't let him hurt you this way. Tell him if he wants to live this way, then find someone who will agree with it, that you do not and will not agree with having a part time husband. He is manipulating you and you need to stop it NOW.

Answer 8

To be honest I would find out if he is seeing someone during the week. Sounds like he is controlling and he still can't stand to let go and tell you what to do. You know what I would tell him that i would like some time and I would go out and date other guys because chances are you will find someone who will treat you a lot better and you wold be a lot happier. I am in almost the same situation you are, but my husband was not controlling. I was very unhappy because I had to do it all and he was so hateful at times I stayed for her she is now 15. But when I told him that I gave up and wanted out, omg he did a complete turn around. But you know what it was to late I didn't care anymore. I care about him but I am not in love with him but he would give anything to have me back and I want out now. Financially if I could afford it I would be gone. Please stop letting him control your life because he has his cake and eating it too. Tell him he is the one who left and you are not happy and see what is out there for you. You may be suprised at what you find. Take Care

Answer 9

man he has you where he wants you, can do what he wants, play and sleep with who he wants, and not have to worry about the consequences of his actions. its a perfect situation for him, no commitment, no responsibilities, no sharing in raising the child. what man would not want what he has got. It tells me he no longer is committed to the relationship and likes his new lifestyle. this way he keeps the house, keeps the keys, can come and go as he pleases. the fact that he had an affair, should have told you that the problem was him, and it was not going to get any better. its time you considered what you want to do with the rest of your life, instead of waiting on a man, who does not have to make a decision because in his eyes hes got the best of both worlds. i know of a man who was in that situation, who told his new girl friend that his wife would not grant him the divorce, when the two ladies found out what he was really doing they both took him to the cleaners.

Answer 10

No he can't see what he is doing to do because he is doing what he needs to do for himself. You have to do what is good for you. If you are not happy in this situation, you have to change it. Have you forgiven him for the affair? Are you happier now that he has moved out? How is your daughter in all of this? Have you spoken with her to see how she feels? You have many issues to think of and work out so that you can find happiness in your life, I have only mentioned a few. You weren't happy being controlled by your husband, now is your chance to escape, he has pretty much given it to you. Its up to you to decide what your going to do with your new found freedom.
PS you can always change the locks - he left not you!

Answer 11

Well you say he gets upset when you suggest things. You try to be tactful and understand him don't you? Now don't you think HE should do that too? He's not had that betrayal from you. Let him know that you're in no way dependent on him. Please make your displeasure apparent. Women are not playthings and their emotions are not to be tampered with! If I were you I'd have filed for divorce. Be STRONG, woman! Make your decision. He has controlled you all these years, now WAKE UP!