How long should I wait for my husband to decide?

Question

For 18 years of marriage my husband was agressive and controlled everything. Where he comes from men are head of family but I think that position stressed him. I put up with it for the sake of our daughter now 16 but I was very unhappy. However, I loved and still love him very much. Last year I found out he was having an affair and taking Viagra (he is 41). I was very hurt. He said affair didn't mean anything etc etc but he wanted to move out so he could re-assess what he wants to do in life as he always had to please others and compromise. Now he lives alone but comes back to our house every weekend. He treats me really well and we are enjoying our time together, but I can't understand why he needs to live away from us in order to treat us well? When I suggest that perhaps he should stay away in order to work out what he wants he gets upset and says he won't be given ultimatums, but I don't think thats what I am asking. Can't he see what he is doing to me?

Answer 1

I think its about time you got on with your life. it sounds like to me he only cares about himself and if he doesnt know what he wants in life by now he never will. You need to enjoy the rest of your life, go out and find yourself again and do what you want to do.

Answer 2

The affair itself speaks volumes and his visiting only on weekends may say that he's bored and wants to go away and try something new or whatever. I'm sure he has an idea that this could hurt but I'm not sure if he fully understands it. He may not want an ultimatum but you should talk it out and give him one. maybe 6 months is sufficient enough. Its just not right that you're his wife and this is his family and you've put up with so many things for him that he can just come and go when he wants. You guys are human, with feelings and intellects and not to be toyed with. You gotta be strong and challenge him head on, if he fails or it doesn't work out, then it just wasn't gonna work out. Life will be better.

Answer 3

If you are content with the situation let it go. If "you" are unhappy then maybe an ultimatum is exactly what you should give him. You really do have a right to ask for and pursue the kind of life you want to live. I personally wouldn't be happy with a part time husband. It would have to be all or nothing. The affair would only solidify that feeling of all or nothing. His choice.

Answer 4

He is still having an affair, Monday to Friday he has his cake, Saturday and Sunday he gets the icing. He still has the appearance of "trying" by not getting a divorce.

A divorce would mean a property split, child support, possibly alimony. He would likely loose the house as most courts will try to keep the child in the marital home.

He isn't trying to work out anything except what is in his pants. If you look deep inside I think you know he doesn't care a lick about your feelings. Affairs are the most selfish act one spouse can perpetrate on another.

This is his way of dealing with guilt, and down the road he will make this all your fault. Deflection of blame and responsibility are how the cheater deals with the guilt of cheating.

Once your child is gone, I suspect he will file for divorce and try to leave you with nothing. If it were me, I would beat him to the punch and file for divorce.

Answer 5

You know what? I think your husband is missing something exciting that you two had before you got married. That's why he's looking outside your marriage for it, and he moved out to be free to search for it, instead of doing it while living with you so that he wont hurt you right then and there. I'd say give him time, he'll get off from it someway, somehow. But for the meantime, why don't you look at yourself, maybe you're forgetting yourself for just thinking about him all the time. Give yourself a break too, use your 'temporary separation' to give time to yourself too, learn new things or do things you wanted to do before. Improve yourself mentally, physically, spiritually so that the next time he comes home, he'll be surprised of what he's missing without being with you.... hope this helps a bit... stay cool... c",)

Answer 6

Ask YOURSELF why?
Weight problem?
Always Complaining and Nagging
Oral sex to completion?
Anal Sex?
Outdoor
Public/Risky
Spanking
BDSM
Contented and happy dogs do not stray, never say no to anything anytime anyplace anywhere with anybody he wants..and I guarantee a long happy and fun life...or listen to the religious loonies and puritans on her or the bitter never getting or had any individuals that answer..and you will end up end up fat, alone, depressed and bitter, wondering how all the other women manage it........and writing answers on here like some of the ones above and below!

Answer 7

If he did not see what he was doing to you for 18 years what make you think he can see this. He need to live away so that he can do what he pleases and only want to came over when he misses you not when you need him. It sounds like a long drawn out abusive relationship that has and always be one way--his way.

Answer 8

Ask him to share with you what it is he needs to work out. Maybe that will help you get an understanding of why he feels he can't live with you right now. If that doesn't resolve the issue, maybe couples counseling would be helpful. Good luck to you guys.

Answer 9

Sounds like he is still controlling the situation, and putting the blame on you. Whether you love him or not, you need to figure out for yourself if this is the type of relationship you want to be in.

Answer 10

You have mutual responsibility. Look into yourself and he should do the same. Come together and constructively talk about it. Don't shout and don't be negative. Emphasize the positive things. He seems to be stressed, maybe you as well. You both need to cool it and learn to love each other again.