which can b tougher on a child?

Question

me and my wife r considering a divorce.we have a 15y/o son and i'm scared about the effect our divorce will have on him vs. the effect of our constant fighting and yelling(if we were to stay together).is it more damaging to child to have his parents divorce or to have parents that constantly fight/yell at each other?

Answer 1

Both are equally detrimental to the emotional development of your son...especially at this time in his life.

Both you AND your wife need to set your own feelings aside. Put your son first for once in your lives and work this thing out! Seek counseling, duke it out, do whatever it takes. But do it away from him. He is an innocent bystander in a war he can't control. He likely feels totally helpless in the situation and lives in fear of not if, but when, the fighting will recur. He just wants peace...and he doesn't want to lose his home! It is your responsibility as parents to provide him with a supportive and loving environment and you are failing miserably! Get your acts together before it's too late and your son grows to hate you both for what you are putting him through. Been there; done that.

My parents finally divorced after many years of fighting. I have never forgiven either of them for taking away my right to a happy childhood and a place to call home. I have a long history of failed relationships and never had children of my own for that reason. Thanks Mom and Dad!!!

Answer 2

My parents divorced when I was 7. I am now 28 and to this day I wish they would have stayed together, at least until I was old enough to really understand the reasons why. I never felt like I was the reason they split up, but that they didn't love me and my siblings enough to stick it out until we were older. I'm sure people will disagree with me, but ask your son how he feels about the relationship between you and your wife. (don't ask him if he thinks you should get divorced.) But maybe he sees things like "mom wouldn't have freaked out at dad if he would have just done this/said that nicer". Let him know more than anything that you both love him and that you care about how he feels and what he thinks. I definately think there are situations where divorce is the best/only option, but if it's fighting and yelling, I'm sure there's more things to try before resorting to divorce. My husband and I both have serious tempers and we do get into a lot of loud fights. But we keep trying new ways to make things better. We have almost come to divorce a couple of times, but we both agree that our kids are worth us giving it another shot. After we try new things, our relationship gets better for a while, then we start fighting again, so we try something new. Overall, the good outweighs the bad.
Good luck!

Answer 3

I can only tell you this. My sister and her husband have been married for 24 years. They have a 21 year old son and a 17 year old daughter and one day when my neice and nephew were visiting me we got on the topic of getting married and i was shocked to hear them both say that they would never get married. Shocked and a bit disappointed. When i asked why, they both said that all they ever heard growing up, and still, is their parents arguing. They both expressed that they wished that their parents would have just gotten a divorce a long time ago so that they could at least have a designated time to have fun with each parent one on one instead of every family vacation and meal being ruined by the constant fighting or the silence.

That's all that I can offer you. I hope it helps.

Answer 4

I think the fighting is worse. If you opt for divorce, make it a point not to argue in front of your son. That will help him see that you made the best choice for all concerned. Constant fighting will set the wrong example of how a healthy and loving relationship should be. He's old enough to understand, even if it takes him a while to accept it. Be supportive and patient with him, and don't put him in the middle of the divorce. He'll only resent you later. Good luck.

Answer 5

Hi,
Have you and your wife been to any type of counseling? If not then why don't you give it a shot. Any child needs both parents,and I'm sure that you two love each other,why not try it before you throw in the towel. Stop yelling at one another,and talk about it. C'mon you guy's love is a two way street. Ya know that making up is the best part of a fight. So kiss and makeup already!

Answer 6

It's probably more damaging with the yelling and fighting. My parents divorced when I was about 7 or 8 and my sis was about 12 or 13. I didn't really understand what was going on...I just knew my sister was pissed at my dad for re-marrying (he cheated). But the worst part about divorced parents was being ping-ponged back and forth during the week. Having to take weekend bags to school with you along with a back pack is not all its cracked up to be. But...I'd rather have gone through that then to hear them at each other's throats, personally. I walked into my mom's room when I was younger before they divorced and saw her crying...I'll never forget that, it was terrible.

Answer 7

Personally I was thrilled when my parents got divorced... and I was only seven. Seeing them both separate but HAPPY was a million times better than the consant fighting.
When I was in college, my best friend really wanted his parents to get divorced... same story... constantly fighting... never happy anymore... and the whole household was caught in the middle. Eventually they got divorced also and everyone is now better off for it.
All four of these particular parents now have happy healthy relationships with other people. Obviously your son might feel differently, but perhaps you should ask him about it honestly. Fifteen is old enough to understand where you're coming from.

Answer 8

I grew up with a friend who's parents fought all the time and he prayed they got seperated just so there would be peace, once they did divorce he was even more miserable and blamed himself. So its a wierd situation, and its unique to every child. Most kids think all parents disagree and argue, so they grow to accept that as a normal part of life (physical violence, hardcore verbal abuse etc. are a different story). But once the parents seperate even that basic normalcy is gone from their lives. In my personal opinion, kids prefer for their parents to stay together, cause they really dont understand the dynamics of adult relationships.

Answer 9

Good question! I guess it depends on the relationship that you have with your son. I was never more delighted when my parents split up...I didn't have a good relationship w/ my father...never have / never will. Just make sure that he understands that you are divorcing your spouse not him. Make it a point to be a large part of his life while you and your wife are going thru this and not just put him aside. Divorce can be a messy thing...especially when there are children involved...just make sure he knows that you both love him...he is old enough, he should understand.

Answer 10

Trust me from experience ( I divorced from my husband when my child was 8) He is 12 now. It is better to divorce and let your child get over it and live a healthy life then it is to stay in the marriage and let your child have an unhealthy life because of all the fighting his parents are doing. I have remarried and have been remarried for almost 4 yrs. and I say my child is healtier now then when his Dad and I were married. He still gets to see his father. He lives about 10 min. away and he comes over to where we live often. We live with my parents and he has a relationship with all of us. Sometimes I don't agree with him but it still is better on our child. We get along better with other because we one don't live with each other anymore and two he don't see each other everyday. By the same token though we are there for our child.