Verbally abusive mentally ill spouse?

Question

My husband of 12 years is verbally abusive and physically intimidating when he blows up. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and intermittent explosive anger disorder. I am so pained because he is going to see a shrink , taking meds and really trying to get better. It is so hard for me to live with, not to menton our 2 children. If I kick him out he will be homeless as he has no job, no family. I could not live with that guilt. Really between a rock and a hard place....any advice?

Answer 1

It will take time to get his mes adjusted to a combo that works for him. As a bipolar myself, I know how the anger can flash over and become abusive.

You need support while he is trying to get better. You meed to find a local support group and see a counsellor. In the meanwhile, come over to http://z9.invisionfree.com/Bipolar_Haven where you'll find plenty of advice and support.

Answer 2

It's great that he is seeing a therapist and taking meds. It's a blessing that he has the frame of mind to do that. It's hard living with someone with issues like that, and terrifying I'm sure. You honestly few choices. Live with it or don't.

Personally I recommend that you get yourself and your kids, if they are old enough, into counseling as well, if you already haven't. It's important for them to understand what's happening is not their fault. I don't know how much you know or understand about his condition, but I'm sure you could use an outlet as well.

If you really love him and want to work through this with him, it's going to take a lot of patience from you. And it may also take a while to find the right meds or combination of meds before he finds the right one. Believe me, it's not an easy process.

I think the counseling would do you and the kids a world of good. You could all learn how to cope when Dad gets like this. But if you have already convinced yourself that your marriage is over, then there is no use in subjecting you and your kids to this any longer.

I know you don't want to feel guilty, but you also have to do what's right for your kids. If it really is over, maybe talk to different agencies and see what help is out there for him. Maybe also look into disability for him, though that isn't an easy process and could take a couple of years to get if he qualifys.

I wish I could offer you more. Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

I'm going through a divorce right now because of the same thing.I finally realized I couldn't take on the responsibility for his illness anymore I was told by his Doctor I was enabling him because he had no incentive to do any better because I was working and taking care of him.I just couldn't stand more doctors,counseling and abuse not matter what was the cause.I have went through 15 years of meds being changed and him taking to much meds its a sad thing I know.My children deserved better.I know the vows say in sickness and health but I have 4 children and I had to look at the mental well being of 5 verses 1.Good Luck my prayers are with you~

Answer 4

I was diagnosed bi polar and can tell you that it's not something that is going to be all bad all the time. He will get better even though it doesn't excuse his behavior. I had a similar problem, the way I explain how I was to people was the equivalent of someone flicking a seed at me and me chucking an apple at their head. They also said that my lithium levels were off so that might be something to inquire about on your next visit. The thing that really sealed it for me and made me want to overcome my actions was when my psychologist told me that I would have to stay on my medications for the rest of my life. That's when I realized I was over the edge and needed to make bigger strides to change for myself and for everyone I knew. His therapy will help him see who he's hurting, it might take some time but he's got to care enough about the situation first and by him going to see a psychologist and psychiatrist is step to understanding what's wrong with him. By going he's saying "I know I'm not suppose to be this way" and sooner or later something will click. Unfortunantly, it is something that will stay with him. I have been off my medications now for five years. I understand what is wrong with me, I understand how to deal with things, and how to control myself. I don't know if the word "cured" is the right term but the only way to get there, is to want it enough. Want to be happy, want to be normal, want to be free.

Answer 5

I live with the guilt everyday, but I couldn't live with it anymore. It was dragging me down to a dark dark place.

If they do not follow guidelines exactly, they always go backwards, and drag you down with them. They can't help it, but everytime they think they are better, they stop taking their meds and fall back into the same old pattern. You say he doesn't have a job. It's because he can't control the highs and lows of Bipolar. He should be in a residential center, where his meds will be regulated.

Answer 6

Wow, what a tough situation. I cannot imagine the stress this is putting on your family.
I am so glad that your husband is trying to get help, but he's not the only one that his problem affects. Surely you and your kids need the help of caring people like ecclesiastical leaders and/or professional counselors as well. Marriage counseling might do the trick.
Perhaps a counselor or ecclesiastical leader might help you and your husband decide on something that will work for both of you while he is working on getting well.

Answer 7

Hang in there, I have a husband that has a seizure disorder who gets that way about 2 days before a seizure.And a son who is bipolar. Find out from his doctor how long this medication he is on takes to get in his system.the medication may not be strong enought or it may not be the correct medication he needs

Answer 8

If he has a genuine problem I think you should be compassionate.I think you doing the right thing.But must be very hectic tiring and frustrating for you.Do talk to the kids too,I think You can do it A bit of patience tolerance.I am sure at the end of the road you will find the fruit for your hardships.But its a choice you have to make at your will not because some one told you to.Sit back and think

Answer 9

Your post hits close to home because I have a bi-polar mother. You have to remember that they are ill and almost like children when they behave badly. What may seem like "irrational" and "crazy" behavior to a healthy person is completely "normal" and "sane" to the mentally-ill sufferer. They believe their behavior is justified. It helps to look at the core and humanity of that person and not what their illness manifests. You obviously saw something in your husband that you were attracted to and love. He still is a person, despite his illness.

There are several support groups for people living with people with Bi-polar disorder and other mental illnesses. I would strongly recommend that you get support and counceling for yourself to deal with the stress of living with someone with a mental illness. You are not alone and you shouldn't have to suffer alone.

Answer 10

You say he is on meds. Not all meds are the best for everyone. Maybe a second opinion... Change the meds, try something else. Keep trying different Dr.s and meds till you find something that works. Don't give up on him yet.

Good Luck.