My daughter was molested...how do I get over it...and forgive my husband and friends?

Question

The man who hurt my baby was a family friend.He was like family for over ten years. We had all the same friends and were like a big extended family. When I found out what he did,my husband called our friends.They were all concerned about keeping him calm.I wanted to go to the man's house and kill him or at least hurt him real bad but they all said I was being "irrational" and held me back and said to let the police handle it.When my car was stolen a few months later,my husband took a friends car and went looking for it with a gun! I felt like everyone around me had lost their minds! Now I feel like I wouldn't still be hurting so much if I had been able to do what I needed and am angry at my husband 4 years later for not standing behind me when I needed him to. Am I the one who's crazy?We found out that this man had been doing this for years and getting away with it because no one ever told. The court gave him 4 years in jail.My daughter is still afraid he'll get out & come after her.

Answer 1

You need to find a good therapist for your daughter and yourself. Good luck!

Answer 2

If you had given into your impulse, your daughter would not only be dealing with the effects of molestation, but she'd be dealing with the effects of having a mother in prison. She wouldn't have you to help her work through her trauma.

I know you feel guilty about what happened to your daughter. I've been there. When this happens to our child, and it happens because of an adult we know, we feel like we put our child in that position, that WE caused it to happen.

When your husband kept you from hurting the molester, he did the best thing for your family. However, when he took a gun, and went looking for a stolen car, he behaved in an irrational way, which is what he was stopping you from doing in the other situation. The two behaviors don't match up, which tells me that he also needs some professional help.

Call your local district attorney's office (or the office of whomever prosecuted the "man" who hurt your daughter), and ask about victim's advocacy groups in your area. Chances are, they will be able to help you find a good group or a therapist that can aid your entire family. It's possible that the molester will have to pay for it, as a form of retribution.

You've got a lot to work through. Your anger at your husband and your friends is evident. You lost "normalcy"... you can't even just hang out with your group of friends without remembering. It's been several years, and you're still very upset. There's nothing to be ashamed of... just get some help. Your whole family will be better for it.

You can't change the past, but with some help, you can probably change the future for your family.

Best of luck to you, from someone who knows.

Answer 3

Its OK to be mad at your husband, but you have got to ask yourself would you be even madder if he/you had killed the guy and went to jail, then he/you wouldn't be there right now to show your daughter that all men are not bad men and that there is life after hell. If it makes you feel any better I wish you had been my mother- she let things happen (nu-ff said) You were not being irrational. You were acting and feeling the way a parent that has love for their child is supposed to act. But believe me beautiful mother- what goes around does come back around, just be patient. You husband loves you and his baby, do not doubt that. And your daughter is going to need both of you for years to come, not locked away in jail- although that would have satisfied your anger it would have been a selfish act regarding your baby. I would also be willing to bet a cool mill. that right now that man has already gotten beat by the guards and made more than one prisoners bi*** on a regular. That's not TV that's real talk. Trust me shes going to need you, so praise the high one that he put people in place to prevent you and your husband from making a more emotionally based decision. God bless you. Let your daughter know there's allot of us out there that's been through the same thing and worse and it will all be OK.

Answer 4

While it is understandable that it would seem your husband was more upset about your car being stolen that about your daughter being molested it is never "right" to try to rectify a problem with violence. Had you gone and killed the savage animal who did this to your precious child you yourself would have ended up in jail for a LONGER TIME than her molester is serving. Who then would have been there to protect her when he gets out? Your husband did make the right choice to let the police handle this pedophile and he protected you and the future status of his family.

I know this is going to sound like something impossible to do but in order for you to put this whole thing behind you and move on you are going to have to FORGIVE the molester. As a grown woman now who was also molested as a child it wasn't until I could say, "I forgive you" to the man who did that to me that I was truly free to live my life. You've got to let go of the past. Look at making yours & your daughters lives happy and fulfilling from THIS DAY forward. You will never be able to do that while clinging to the past. Why would you want to hang onto all that hurt and anger? Take it to the cross. Leave it there. God is waiting on you to cast your burden on Him. This is much too much for you to bear.

God bless you & keep you & give you peace!

Answer 5

4 years in jail ,well here is some good news for you most inmates will not tolerate a child molester,if you get my meaning. And you tell daughter that no way will she ever be hurt by that monster again. You were not being irrational for wanting to hurt this guy ,you know that,it's called being a mom. I really cant blame you for the way you are feeling.If he had gone after his buddy with the gun though he might would had killed him and husband would be in jail for longer then 4 years,so think like that.What you might think about doing is moving. You wouldnt have to move from the town if you like it there,just a new house,or apt...something fresh for you and daughter,Im sure your husband is hurting too after all he trusted his friend. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Awww I am so sorry to hear this. No, you are not crazy at all! I would go crazy if someone molested my son!!! I know it is very hard for anyone to get over these issue. Did you try counseling? You and your daughter should go. I really don't understand why your husband didn't stand behind you?? Are you still with him?? Did you ever bring out this issue to him and let him know how you feel?? You have to let him know! If he doesn't seem to understand, I feel that you deserve better! Stay far far away from him so the his sick friend will not do this to your daughter again! File restraining order against this friend (actually he his not a friend, he is a sick bastard) once he gets out!! Good luck!

Answer 7

Your family was right to hold him back. This guy deserves what you would have done to him but if you had hurt him you would have been in trouble too. You need to be focused on helping your daughter by getting her some professional counseling and therapy. I think the anger that you have for your husband is misplaced and you should project it towards the man who hurt your daughter. You need some help and some therapy too because you need to get passed the anger so that it does not eat you up and tear all of your relationships apart. This man is going to get out. I believe that you should move away from your present location before he gets out and start anew somewhere else. The legal system is not perfect but he has been locked up. You need to heal your life and the lives of your family.

Answer 8

I know how you feel-i went through that about 22 yrs ago with my youngest daughter-you did the right thing by letting the police take care of the situation-now stand with your daughter through it all-you can get another husband are man but you can't get another daughter like the one you have-I sent the man to prison for 15 yrs-I saw him when he got out of prison and I told him that if I saw or heard that he was around my daughter then the next person he would see was me and from that on -everyday on his birthday they would know where to find him-you can stop being angry your husband did what he though was right-if you had shot and killed the man what would your daughter do without you-you are there for her,always tell her that and tell her if she see him tell you-make sure you stress that point to her-my daughter is 40 yrs old today with 2 son's and she is very happy-stick with your child,support her,love her and show her you care about what happens to her-things will get better-you will never forget but don't let you daughter see that you are still angry-that is not good for her-tell her it was not her fault-she did nothing wrong.from now on pick your friends wisely

Answer 9

I understand that you are angry, but killing him won't make things better but result in you going to prison. This is definitely an unfortunate circumstance for you and especially for your daughter, your family was probably trying to be calm and rational about it so that you won't end up making a situation worse. Trust me a lot of terrible things such as death happen when people are in rage and are ANGRY. Your daughter should attend counseling sessions, and hopefully when he comes out he would be listed as a pedophile and will not be able to live in your residential area due to emotional stress/Trauma and etc. I am sure that the courts will look into this matter. I know that their will be both good and bad days just take each day as it comes.

GOD BLESS!!!!!

Answer 10

I am sorry, but your friends and husband were correct. They were looking out for yours and your daughter's best interest.
I know you wanted to kill him or at least hurt him, but then you would be the one in jail right now, along with the guy.
What good would that have done your daughter? She would have grown up thinking it was her fault that her mom left and ended up in jail. She would have never understood what really happened.

It has been 4 years now.. stop feeling guilty about it all and stop blaming your family and friends. It is time to get some help.

Answer 11

The reason you and your husband are still unable to deal with this is because you did not seek help. as long as you and your husband do not deal with the issue the more damage is being done to your daughter. I urge you for the security of your daughter's mental stability go see a rape counselor or a family therapist. DO NOT WAIT ANY LONGER GET HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!! ALSO WHEN THE SO CALLED FRIEND GETS OUT OF JAIL MAKE SURE IS NAME IS ON THE CHILD MOLESTER LIST. HOPEFULLY THAT WILL HELP PREVENT HIM HARMING ANY MORE CHILDREN MOST PARENTS NOW DAYS CHECK THOSE LIST EVERY WEEK. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN PUT YOUR ZIP CODE IN AND SEE HOW MANY CHILD MOLESTERS ARE IN YOUR AREA.