My Father-in-Law had a stranger die in his arms in a motorcycle accident... and he won't talk about it.?

Question

How can we help him deal with his emotions? The poor guy was only 39 & had his whole life in front of him. His motorcycle hit a truck in front of a halloween party they were having and my FIL kept his pulse for a full 3 minutes before the man passed. Now he won't talk to anybody, sleep, and he just kind of draws a blank at work. Should we just leave him alone.. counceling isn't really an option

Answer 1

That's just one of those things that is going to take sweet time! He is traumatized and will have to come to terms in his own way. It will never ever really leave him for the rest of his life probably but in a few weeks he will get better. Give him space for now, just keep a watch on him. Stay around him just don't talk about it. He will when he is ready! Talk about daily stuff the kids, the cold weather coming, checking the anti freeze in the car, christmas, etc. You know ordinary stuff that he usually does. Keep things as normal as possible, I think that will help him more than anything right now...

Answer 2

There are some great books on dealing with death. Maybe you could purchase some or get some from the library if he would read a book. If he is more into articles, print some from the Internet.

I think you should say to your father-in-law that you are proud of him for helping a stranger in his last few moments here on earth and that it must be a comfort to his family to know that someone was there for their relative (It was for me when my dad died despite help from strangers. I was glad to know that he didn't die because something that could be done for him, wasn't done). Then you should hand him the articles and say that you printed them out for him because you know how tough it is to deal with these things and you thought these might be of use to him.



By the way, although motorcycle deaths can be sad because of the age of the victim, I think they can be very positive events too. The victims provide a lot of organs and are probably responsible for saving more lives than they sacrifice. This young man may have saved four or five lives.

Answer 3

Wow.
Just leaving him alone may not be the best idea. I would sit with him, just quietly and offer silent support. I would also look into any information of Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) on the web, support groups and books. Much of this is free. If he can not bring himself to reach out, can you go, to learn and to have someone to talk to.

He did a courageous thing, an amazing thing- keeping someone alive for 3 minutes. It must be devastating to have held onto that life and then lost it. The pictures and sounds must replay in his head over and over.

Each person deals with PTS differently, but as a support person, you can offer love, listening, and comfort.

Answer 4

I think he should be given time to deal with it himself, if after 6 weeks he is still in a shell, seek help.
My Dad among his different jobs was once a ferry boat escort. Even though he served in the Navy during WW2, one night a car drove right thru the cable into the river at a fast speed. My Dad jumped in to help but there was no use. This was a rapid river. My Dad took a long time to get over that if he ever did, I am not sure.

Answer 5

well as a man, we like to think we can deal with anything ourselves so dont pressure him into counselling and dont annoy him with "are u ok?"...."do u want to talk about it?"
just inform him that u are here for him and try to keep his mind off that tragic accident.
try cheering him up and spend time with him so he knows he's not alone
he is also probably feeling guilty for not being able to save that man's life, and he has to know that it was not his fault and perhaps feel better knowing that at least he was there for that man during his last moments on earth.
It's scary to die alone, so ur FIL being there probably meant a lot to the motorcycle dude even tho they did not know each other.

Answer 6

Don't leave him alone, but don't be too pushy about talking to him either. It's not his fault the guy died right? I guess it's gonna take some time for him to get over it... But just let him know that you guys are there to help him.

Answer 7

You may need to confront him firmly before it really screws up his life. He's already not sleeping and apparently not working well. I think an intervention of loved ones might be useful.
You could follow the same techniques suggested in addiction interventions.

http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public/@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_010979.cfm?channel=Abuse+and+Addiction&topic=Alcoholism&sssct=Life+Applications

Answer 8

Which ever of you is closest with him; sit down with him, and ask him what happened. If you really ask him with sincerity, he just may respond.
So, ask him what happened. I know you know; and he knows, but he has not been asked: This might get him to TALK about it.
OK good luck with your kind efforts.
And remember the old saying: IF at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.

Answer 9

I am so sorry to hear that, something similar happened to my dad, 6 years ago, I suggest that though it is tough for him, and you guys right now, leave him to sort through his feelings, let him know that you are all there for him, but do not push, he will open up when he is ready.

Answer 10

I think he'll just have to deal with it in his own way...I found a body in a motel room...it was a novelty for a while but it wore off after a time.