I NEED SOME HELP PLEASE THIS is A VERY SERIOUS ISUE!?

Question

Ok i really need help, sometimes my dad yells at us really really meanly when we do something wrong with school. like just tonight my sister was reliing on these people to take her to band and they didn't show up. my dad FREAKED! out and yelled at her and stuff. he says that the people she hangs around with are scum bags and stuff. He DOES NOT hit us or anything like that. just really mean yelling. My mom and i are wondering A. what we can do B. If this isn't good for us C. if she should divorce him D. if he needs help. Thank you so much!

Answer 1

1) if this has been going on long enough, you will all suffer the ill effects of such disempowering treatment. You may need to examine if you are displacing some of your dad's 'runaway emotions' to others, and find ways to cope for yourself, and your mom and siblings
2)no man or any person who has an anger problem will admit they have a problem, but you and your mom should sit down, and plan a strategy to talk to him (pre-empting that he is going to deny, justify his own behavior), in a firm tone, not ever being led to shout at him when he disagrees; give him an ultimatum, perhaps that you will all find a place to live without him until he goes for professional help or join a support group for Anger issues. I am against divorce because it hurts everyone, including the perpetrator. You and your mom, and sister, and others, need to be emotionally awake to be able to plan such a confrontation; pls do it with care, always put away all sharp objects, and do it when he is at his best awake attention. You may need to do a role play, someone playing your father, so you know what he will say to excuse his behavior, disregarding others feelings. But you must also 'frame' your intentions by saying that you love him, and not doing this to hurt him more.

I wish you God's protection, and success, in small bites. Real life is not a 'speed trip'. Watch your own behavior, words, places you visit, tv, etc. This way you will not make yourself out to be all 'pure' either, just a human who makes mistakes, apologizes, and learns and moves on. Even very 'close' friends argue from time to time, but, they don't 'cut' one another to the point of hurt.

Answer 2

Wow. Your dad's issues are his own. Sounds like he's just VERY unhappy in his own life. Nothing is your fault. You're just living life being you and that's what you should keep on doing. Obviously, he has anger issues and he takes them out on you and your family. Not very smart on his part, but it's important to know at your young age that it's not you. Otherwise you're going to grow up thinking there's something wrong with you, and turn into a dysfunctional person as your father is. Don't let him take away your self worth. That is what he does when he yells. He takes away from you to make himself feel better. Very selfish. He does need help. At this rate, he will push away all of his family and friends. It's a very good thing that your mom is aware of this problem. Stick by her side. Mom's have amazing powers.

Answer 3

You know, whatever the reason, this is not a good thing. You may say, he doesn't hit us, but sometimes verbal abuse is so much worse. It seems to me that he must have come from a family that did the same to him. You never belittle anyone, and that seems exactly what he is doing. It will break you and your sister down bit by bit until there is nothing left of your self esteem. Your mother needs to speak with him, but I bet I know where that will go. I'm sure his yelling doesn't end with you and your sister. I am in a marriage where my spouse has always acted like that. After a while, you get numb. Don't let this happen to you. Something has to be done. You are valuable people in this world and deserve to be treated with love and respect. If speaking to him doesn't help, whatever your mother needs to do to help the situation she needs to do. I will be thinking of you.

Answer 4

OK this is tough. I'm going to answer this like a mom. First: should she divorce him? She needs to think about this. If he's willing to try some kind of intervention the answer is no. If he thinks his behavior is appropriate, then she needs too have a serious talk with him and decide who is more important, the children or the husband.

He needs to go to counsel ling to see why anger is his method of control. Yes he needs help, but getting him to accept this is another story.

This isn't good for anyone, your family or your dad. You need to sit down as family (when he isn't angry) and discuss this with him rationally . He probably doesn't want to hurt his family, but doesn't know an other way to deal with problems. Let Dad know you love him, but don't like what he does to the family. Mom should back you up on this,

This isn't an easy question. I hope it works out in your favor and your family can move into a more positive space.

Best wishes.

Answer 5

I'm glad that your dad doesn't hit you. However, some yelling can be considered verbal abuse. It sounds like your dad definitely has some kind of problem, and that problem is affecting the whole family. And if you're asking this question, it's pretty obvious that this hurts you. I recommend that you try to get your mom and dad to see a marriage counselor right away. Perhaps your dad and the family members could use individual counseling as well.

Most importantly, your family can benefit from the help of God on this one. The gospel of Jesus Christ can help us to get along better with our families and deal with difficult life situations. You can learn more here: www.mormon.org.

Answer 6

It isn't good for you and he needs help. It's extreme if it's so bad that your mother is considering divorce, but that's her choice to make. You can't really do anything except support your mother, and there are a few things she can do. This is emotional abuse. Since that might be considered domestic violence, your mother should call a domestic violence hotline to discuss the matter. You could, too. The usual advice is go for counseling with the spouse and if he won't go, to go alone. I don't know if that would apply to this situation. Regardless of what your mother does, you and your sister should find someone to talk to. Your father's behavior is nowhere near normal, and you shouldn't bear this in silence.

Answer 7

First, you should try to sit down and talk to your dad. I mean, after all he is your father..he will understand. You can tell what's in your heart.Maybe he does not know the effects of the yelling so to you unless you tell him (you see..your dad loves you because he does not hurt you physically)..so I'm certain that he just needs to be informed of what you guys feel about it. If in case, he will not consider it and still yells at you then you may want to get other people's help like Pastoral visit..someone who can enlighten your dad. Don't jump into the conclusion that divorce is an option. It sholud never be..especially if the case is still negotiable. Its hard to live in a family that is not united. Hope this helps.God bless..

Answer 8

Yes he needs help and so do you, your sister and your mother. If you look up "therapists" in the phone book, you will find quite a few that deal with anger management. See if you can visit two or three free of charge for an initial consultation in order to decide who you will work with. You can go as a family with or without your father. You, your sister and/or your mother can take on additional work in order to pay for therapy. It is well worth the cost. Your dad's behavior is abusive and you are the victims. Victims go to therapists to learn how to deal with abuse. In therapy you will deal with issues A. and C.

D. will probably be answered after you read your responses.

While it will be obvious to all of the people who respond to your question that this is not good for you (B.), you will also deal in therapy with why you have difficulty determining that this is not good for you. It may be that your dad's perception of reality rules in your family rather than your good judgement. It will be important to learn to rely on your judgement and your feelings as you move through life.

Answer 9

A. This depends on your mom and your age. If you're 12 vs. 18 - your emtional maturity is a big factor. In practicallity, the thing you can do is talk to him.

B. This is bad for you, your sister, and your mom. Emotional abuse is still abuse. It will still screw you up, emotionally.

C. Only your mother can answer this. Your opinion should NOT be involved as to whether or not to divorce. Your opinion about how you would feel if they did divorce is perfectly legit for her to ask. Don't get dragged into your parent's marriage - they need to work things out for themselves. You don't want to hear your mom say "I did this for you" ... she should stay married or not for herself. Divorce won't change the fact that your father is your father --- it has a huge effect on the fact he would stop being her husband.

D. Yes. The bigger question is whether or not he thinks he needs help, and whether or not he would seek help, and whether or not hewould actually accept it if offered.

Depending on how old you are, I would recommend you sit down with your Father and tell him how you feel. If you aren't completely comfortable doing so alone, ask your mom (not your sister) to sit with you. Be sure you stick to JUST your feelings - how does it make you feel being yelled at? How does it make you feel when he yells at your sister? Are you afraid this will escalate into being hit?

Sticking to just your feelings prevents your father from logically arguing or being defensive. He might try anyway ... but it is harder to argue with "I feel afraid" than "you're mean". Avoid anything that might be perceived as judgmental.

Try writing your thoughts and feelings out on note cards - this isn't politics - it's better to have crib notes than try to wing it. This will help you stay in focus and avoid being diverted onto other topics. This will also help you determine how, exactly, you feel about it.

Stick to 3 points, maximum, for this conversation. Don't overload him.

Don't try to solve everything in one sitting. It ain't gonna happen.

Tell you father up front that the only purpose of talking to him right now is to let him know how you feel. Be clear that no response is needed from him on the spot. Then stick to this ... don't start dragging other stuff in, and don't demand he respond. Don't start off issuing ultimatums.

Wait a couple weeks, and then bring the issue up again. This gives him a chance to digest everything; it keeps him from feeling like he's being interrogated; it lets him consider your words and have a clear, well-thought out response to you.

It is more important where you go, than how fast you get there. Taking your time, so that everyone involved gets a chance to air their feelings first will go a long, long way to helping reach a mutually satisfactory solution.

Ultimately, everyone should seek counseling. If your father won't go, you can't make him. His choice shouldn't prevent you, your sister, or your mother from going. Accept that this is going to be a long road, whereever it takes you.

Answer 10

I am very sorry to hear that he is like this. Does he yell at your mom, too, or is it just you and your siblings? Is she happy in the marriage? Is he facing problems with finances or at work? btw, how old are you guys?
Ok, regarding your 4 questions...
A. You can call a family meeting. Sit down and explain to him that when he yells at you guys, it makes you feel really bad, and that its not productive. If you don't want to do it at home, call a counsellor for family counselling. We did that in my family cuz my dad was a real jerk but he was always hitting me. Counselling helped cuz he was able to hear our side and we could hear his side and we worked problems out with the counselleor.
B. That is not good for any of you to be in that situation. It increases your stress levels. Esp. with him degrading friends of you and your siblings. It can lead to emotional problems down the road (I am still in counselling and its been years)
C. The only way to know if she should divorce him is up to her. If she is happy with her husband, that makes it more difficult. If she is very unhappy with him, if she is miserable, then she needs to make a decision. Its not an easy one to make. But she also needs to take into consideration how he treats the family in general. That is a decision only she can make.
D. I think that counselling may help. Sometimes ppl hold a lot of things in and then they are irritable and nasty and they tend to "freak" out easily. Often they have temper problems because all the stress is building up and up and up, and eventually it has to come out. Unfortunately sometimes it comes out on the wrong people. Exercise or other activities that he can do to relieve stress (running, jogging, darts, etc) may help. But counselling may also help, as I said maybe family counselling?
I hope things work out for all you guys. I know what its like coming from a background like that. My dad was like that, and my mom finally had enough and left. Now they are both happy and remarried. I am 24, they got divorced when I was 16. The only reason I am still in counselling is because of the physical and mental abuse he did to me from age 6 to 18. Now I keep my distance, we still talk, but we dont talk all the time because he still has a tendency to cut me down. Whatever you decide, keep together with your siblings and you mom. You guys can work as a team to get your dad the help he needs.
Good luck!