My four year old son is getting into trouble?

Question

My son goes to a really good daycare. He loves it there and has learned so much. The past year, he will take spells were he is almost unbearable to be around at daycare. He will hit his friends and kick and hit the teachers when they put him in time out. This isn't something that happens every day..just every once in a while and it never lasts for more that a couple of days at a time. Yesterday was the first time in 3 months that he's had a bad report from his daycare. Is he going through a phase? How can I get it into his little head that he needs to straighten up and treat his teachers and friends with more respect.

I've had the chance to talk to his teacher about a certian little boy in the class that my son seems to have problems with. After watching them this afternoon, the teacher has noticed that my little one seems to be getting bullied sometimes :-(
And just to make it clear..I do descipline Justin at home. He gets more that just a time out. For this latest outburst, he got his TV taken out of his room and he knows that if he wants to go to the zoo with his cousins this weekend..I need good reports from the teacher. Cross your fingers that he was good today.
I guess I'm just at a loss as to why he acts this way sometimes...he's such a good kid. I guess he just has bad days..just like I do.

Colleen...you don't know me..or my child. He actually loves to read and only spends about 30 minutes a day (if that) watching TV in his room. It calms him down in the evenings. Plus, he plays with his Leapster in his room...learing how to READ!!

Answer 1

May sound strange, but pay attention to his diet,when he acts up is he eating a particular food,red koolaid red candy etc. some children have food allergies and act up as a symptom. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Make sure he is getting enough sleep at home, being over tired is the number one cause for irritable behavior in small children. I don't know if the daycare could comply, but you might ask them to make a chart with notes on his schedule during his time there. Look for changes in routine, and see if it correlates with his behavior. Some kids are sensitive to routine. Changes that don't seem like a big deal to you or me, can effect them greatly. Look at home, are you stressed, hassled, upset or angry more days than others, and could he be picking up on this? If he does have days when he hits and kicks the punishment needs to carry out when he is at home too. He will need to be sat down and read the note that came from school. Appropriate punishment should then follow. Time out, shortened tv or playtime, or perhaps an early bedtime. Then once the punishment is carried out, detailed reasons why the punishment was given should follow. Don't talk down to him, or use overly simple words. Speak to him as a reasonable person who is capable of understanding you. behavior patterns in toddlers and preschoolers can vary widely, it is like a glimpse into the teen years, lol. With patience and sometimes even just simple maturity this should pass. If nothing works, I would suggest taking him to see a behavioralist.

Answer 3

First of all, don’t punish him at home for what he does at school. It will not make sense to him if he is punished for something hours after the fact. School and home related issues should remain separate. My guess is he gets aggressive when he is bullied. What will work best is to use natural and logical consequences. Let the punishment fit the crime. Taking away his television when he is aggressive at school is not a logical consequence. Taking his television away if he is destructive with it is a logical consequence.

If you can, be on call with his school. If he is aggressive with another child or teacher, have the teacher call you and get him right away. Tell him “If you’re going to hurt people at school you can’t be there.” Have a very boring day. If you can keep him out an extra day, do it. It will reinforce the message. Since he likes going, he will soon learn to be gentle.

Time outs are a punishment. They are a way for the teachers or you to control him, not a way for your son to learn self control. They are shaming and cause resentment and don’t work. It sounds like he gets even more angry when put in time out. Instead of putting him in time out, it is best to remove the child from the situation, get down to the child’s level and say “When you are ready to be gentle then you can come back.” This puts the control into the child’s hands and they will more likely comply when the power is given to them.

He is trying to feel powerful. He finds this power when he is aggressive. Help him to feel powerful in positive ways by saying things like “You did that by yourself! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on your painting! You ran super fast!” These phrases are intrinsic rather than extrinsic rewards (“Good job!”, stickers, treats) and are very effective with helping a child to feel powerful and confident.

Empathize with him after an aggressive incident. “You must have been really (mad, frustrated, upset, angry, hurt) when you hit “Jake.” What can you do next time instead of hurting them?” Do some problem solving with him. It will help him learn to better express himself and give him some ideas instead of getting aggressive. Also, give him some ideas on how to handle a bully. He can tell them “Don’t hurt me! I will not play with you if you are going to hurt me!” It is a very powerful message coming from another child. You may also invite a peer over and use these techniques at home (removing him from victim, empathizing and expressing feeling). It will help better prepare him for when it happens at school. Here is an article about how parents can help with children who are bullied http://www.earlychildhoodnews.com/earlychildhood/article_view.aspx?ArticleID=221

Hope this helps! Good luck and I hope today was a good day!

Answer 4

He's old enough to understand now that he can't act like that. Make sure that if he does it at home you follow through with all the dicipline. As for the day care, ask them how they handle the situation when he does that. Do they just pick him up and put him in the corner or do they explain to him why he's in trouble and then have him appologize to the child/teacher.

You need to nip in the bud now before he starts school.

I've found with my 2 year old that if I explain to her why she's in trouble she listens, she sits in time out and then says she sorry and I don;t usually have any more issues.

Also, I don't reccomend that you punish him again at home for what he did at school, he's not going to understand why he's in trouble. He does have a good memory but most likely he won't remember what he did wrong. You could sit him down and discuss the situation at school but don't punish him again.

Good luck!!

Answer 5

Ask him about his day, seeing if there is something going on that nobody knows at daycare. Don't feed him chocolate or red juices that tends to make kids hyper. He is acting out on something.
You have to spend time with him everyday maybe you were a bit rushed doing other things or others and he felt he was being ignored so he wanted attention.

Answer 6

Talk to the daycare workers and see if you can put him on a daily report where you get a card every day letting you know his behavior then discuss with them the consequenses for bad behavior at school and at home. I did this with my son when he was small he got small rewards on days he was good and lost privilages when he was bad. The trick is to let him know there are consequences for his actions. Teach him now while he is young,

Answer 7

Why does a 4 year old have a television in his room to begin with? Why would a 4 year old NEED a televisin in his room? "How can I get it into his little head that he needs to straighten up and treat his teachers and friends with more respect." Perhaps by limiting time with the telvision to begin with. Scary thought, a 4 year old with a television in their room deffinately not condicive to good reading habits.

Answer 8

He needs to be not only punished at school for bad behavior, but at home as well. If he gets a bad report from his teacher then when he gets home tell him what she said and then spank him. Tell him he needs to be nice to his teachers and his friends at daycare or he will be in trouble. Tell him if the teacher gives you a bad report, then he's going to get a spanking.

As you can see, time outs don't work on him. He is acting up when he is put in time out when he is supposed to be put in time out for acting up. The time outs at daycare are actually doing more harm than good.

Answer 9

Maybe try putting him in therapy. Keep a record of what he is eating and his activities around the time these episodes occur. Maybe that will give you some insight as to why this is happening.

Answer 10

you didn't mention if any other children act as your son does. if so he is acting out what they do..if he is being bullied that is a good reason also. he is letting out his anxieties . keep watching him and find out if their are any problems With the other children that you haven't been told.. if you are really sure he is happy there then something or some one is getting him upset and angry.