Two months ago, my husband (of 18 mths) dropped a bombshell and told me that he no longer has any feelings for me. We've been together for 5 yrs. He doesn't seem interested in anything, he doesn't even seem to care about himself and I've been banned from showing any affection towards him. Despite all this, I love him. We saw a relate counsellor once, which scared him off even more. What do I do?
2006-10-24 07:36:00 · 36 answers · asked by Kanst 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has a 16 yr girl from previous marriage (no prob), I'm childless. He won't listen to the word 'depression'.
2006-10-25 04:53:45 · update #1
Although your question focuses on you, the whole message makes it clear that a fuller account is "My husband doesn't care about anything" and "he doesn't seems to have feelings generally" which does sound like depression. One of the side effects of depression (speaking as someone married to a man who also has problems sometimes) is low libido. I think it is likely that he doesn't want you to be physically affectionate because he is unable to respond and this is threatening his male ego--not that he is having an affair on the side. In that case he would probably be feeling *more* sexy than usual.
There are many things that a man won't listen to his wife about that he will listen to a mate. Can you talk to a close male friend of his and see if that might be a route to get him to a GP? Or does he have a brother? If my hypothesis is correct, your husband may not realize that loss of sexual interest is not about you, it's about his current biochemistry and that can be turned around if he gets help for his depression.
You love him and love means caring about getting him well. Good luck finding a way to reach him with the information he needs in a way that he is able to receive it.
2006-10-30 00:19:10 · answer #1 · answered by Holly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like he has a depression, as others have commented. I wonder if he is under duress of some sort due to his work. The fact that you say he doesn't even care about himself and that you've be banned for showing him any affection suggests very low esteem. Wonder why the relate councelling scared him off, unless he is hiding something? Have you thought about carrying on the relate councelling without your husband? You say he dropped a bombshell, which suggests that you had no idea that the relationship was in difficulty.
Have you sat with him and told him how worried you are, but in a non comfrontational way? Maybe you could write it out in a letter, which you may or maynot, show him.
2006-10-27 07:37:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It would seem that your husband has lost all interest in life and certainly sounds depressed, sometimes there is nothing anyone else can do in these circumstances. He needs to decide when the time is right to seek professional help..telling him he needs this kind of help often scares depressed people.For yourself you also need to decide what's best for you..you are not responsible for the way he feels. Leave him for a while and see what happens if you're not there maybe he will come to his senses and realise what he has lost or what missing from his life...
2006-10-29 22:56:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh sweetie! I had the same experience 5 months ago. My hubby of 9 years suddenly said he doesn't love me anymore. He didn't want a divorce, just to go his way and I go mine! No bloody chance. I was in the lawyers office 3 days later. He denied having someone else, but that turned out to be a lie anyhow. I still loved him, and it was hard, but life goes on! Do yourself a favour, if the bloke can't appreciate you - move on. There is life after divorce. I met a wonderful guy not long ago, who treats me like a queen. Divorce him babes. Life is too short. And believe me, you will manage and get over him and have a wonderful, fulfilled life after him! Chin-up. He is really not worth the tears - trust me! Rather be alone, than with a man who can't love you!
2006-10-27 02:48:33 · answer #4 · answered by dragonfly 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. I have been married 7 years and he has never showed me any affection. I have a 4 year daughter and thats the only thing that still keeps me still married. I think the question you need to ask yourself is will you still love him days, months or even years down the line if he hasn't changed. Do you think he is having an affair? Has anything happened that has made him change? If the situation is bad enough to affect your day-to-day life like work and your behaviour with others, then its time to get out.
2006-10-24 07:44:21 · answer #5 · answered by myra 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think very seriously that you should leave him. You may love him, but he clearly doesn't want you. Depression is not an excuse and it's not your fault. I stayed with my ex for years and years even though he told me that he didn't love me. I always blamed his mental illness. Duh! It wasn't my fault. I felt so bad for so long because I couldn't help him. I felt too that it must be me - that he thought that I just didn't love him enough or maybe it was the way he was raised.
You know what? IT DOESN"T MATTER. Get out now and find a man who will appreciate and cherish you. If he actually forbids affection and tells you that he doesn't love you, take him at his word.
2006-10-24 08:01:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really does sound as if your husband is suffering from severe depression, you need to visit your doctor and discuss it to see if there is anything you can do to help him. Only you can decide whether he means it that he no longer has feelings for you, or whether you think this is part of his illness. If you believe that he is not ill and that he genuinely no longer loves you then I am sorry but it is time to call it a day.
2006-10-25 10:05:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Husbands go through this its like the menopause they hit 40 something and all of a sudden they feel their lives are falling apart. Best thing is try and get on with your own life perhaps find a new love and start again. I did.
2006-10-29 08:12:12 · answer #8 · answered by starangel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This man is depressed..........he dosent love you and at the same time he does not dislike you................maybe that's why he hasn't asked for a divorce. Its not your fault.........you will feel bad ....anyone in your place would.
He is also miserable......but his sadness seems to be pathological.
If you love him and truly care for him ...............and are not just interested in having him................then do this for him..........
Ask him what is it that he wants..........divorce? If he says yes,then set him free.........for his happiness. If he says he's not sure........which he more likely will then subtlely suggest seeing a psychiatrist............tell him to see you as a friend for some time and not as his wife,and tell him that you will stand by him till he is felling better and is ready to make adecision about your relationship and that all this will be easier if he takes help from a psychiatrist.
Do this..............stand by him............he is sad.
And maybe if he agrees to take professional help.............and is able to solve his internal conflicts.................then he will realise how much you care for him and he might just choose to stay.
But you have to strong and be prepared to get hurt if you are to help him.
Hope l am of some help to you..............good luck
2006-10-24 12:38:23 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
The thing is it is very difficult to try to help someone who does not want to be helped. Maybe leaving him alone and giving him more space would help...Well you know him for 5 years, was he always like this or the word marriage did this to him?
2006-10-28 09:03:58 · answer #10 · answered by better late than never 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋