Tell me... why does this make me a bad mom?

Question

I have been reading lots of questions in the parenting sections of yahoo answers & there are SO MANY references to putting kids in daycare... like it's a bad thing. I am a single mother of three. The reason thier father is not around is no one's business and out of earthly hands. I have no choice BUT to put my kids in day care. They are with a woman who has had them since they were babies; she works from her home & has only 3 other kids in addition to mine. My kids are smart, confident & well-rounded. My parents work, my sister lives 1500 miles away... I have to work - or live with my kids on the street. So tell me all you "better-than-me" folks who think I'm an awful mother for "dumping" my kids in day-care... how do I feed my kids, keep them warm, keep clothes on thier backs, keep them insured AND stay at home????

Answer 1

You are doing what you must do, so who can argue with that? I don't think women should fight against one another on this issue; each is doing what she thinks is best for her family, in her own situation.

Answer 2

You are NOT a bad mother. The proof of the pudding is in how your children have turned out (I will take your word on this).

You are just doing what is necessary to keep your family intact and healthy. If the children are getting QUALITY time and love from you and any of your relatives/friends/etc., then the time they spend in day care each day should not be an issue. Children want to know that they are loved and wanted -- a parent could spend all day with their children but give the totally opposite impression, which is infinitely worse.

Anyone who tells you otherwise would seek to deny you your dignity, integrity, and self-determination. You are a strong person who has found a way to make ends meet. You have to ask these "haters" if they would say the same things if it were a man who had kids and no wife in the picture. I'm sure they would tell the man "of course, put your kids in day care."

Answer 3

If that makes you a bad mother, then so am I. I am a single mom that has had my son in daycare since he was 7 weeks old. I do have a lot of friends that are at home moms, but even they know that there is nothing else I can do. I would love to have my son with me, but then just like you said, that would mean that we would be living on the streets. I am very involved with his life at the daycare- I talk to his teachers, meet the new ones, and care very much about how he adjusts to the other kids. In fact my son- the one that goes to daycare- is more well rounded then his friends, he shares more, has more patience, and does not hog attention from others, or have seperation issues. He loves going to "school" and loves his friends.

Power to you for doing the best for your child-

Answer 4

I always thought that I wanted my kids to stay at home with in-home help to watch them while I worked. That hasn't worked out the best. For the past 2 years, I have worked at home for a software company and had a nanny taking care of the kids in the house.

It was great watching the kids grow up. My oldest is 2 and my youngest is 5 months.

The one thing I noticed about my 2 year old is she didn't have a clue about what to do with other kids when they came over for parties or just to visit. She was severely lacking in socialization and play skills.

I have enrolled her in a Mother's Day Out two days a week and am astounded by the amount of creative play that she has learned. She now plays tea party and tries to sing songs. It's an amazing transformation.

My husband and I are thinking of buying a daycare facility because, when run right, are the most important parts of a child's learning.

You are doing the right thing. Daycare workers truly care for your children. They are getting constant care, learning to trust people other than yourself and learning social interaction, which is very vital to growing up as a balanced person.

Cheers to you MOM!!!!

Answer 5

I've been a father for 23 years and a teacher for 35 years and have seen hundreds of different parenting situations including the Leave it to Beaver family model (nothing wrong with that either) and situations like yours. The key is the relationship between the children and the parent(s) and the quality of the time they spend with each other.
First and foremost, if your kids are smart, confident & well-rounded and are with a person who obviously has your trust, then you're doing great. People who dump on you for doing what you have to do to get by in this world are not worth the effort to get upset about. Read the magazines and articles, but keep in mind that the best indicator of how you're doing is by looking at your kids. I've seen extremely disfunctional families who the "experts" would consider the ideal. Keep spending as much quality time as you can with them and don't feel guilty about not living up to someone else's standards especially when they're not walking in your shoes. Keep on keeping on and continue to love and nurture those kids like you're obviously doing. Also, be sure to give bouquets, hugs and many thank yous to that wonderful person who is able to help you at this time when you need her so badly. You're doing great. Be proud of being a truly good mom.

Answer 6

Kudos to you! I personally think there are many advantages to daycare - interaction with other children, learning to be away from mommy, etc. I also have no choice but to use a daycare - and my daughter loves it - she is well adjusted and confident. I know that even if I didn't HAVE to work I would work. Work provides me with a sense of self and I didn't go to school for 7 years to never use my degree. Don't let what others say bring you down. You are doing what is best for you and your children. Daycare is a personal choice and mothers should not be putting each other down just because they don't agree with each other. There are advantages and disadvantages to both daycare and keeping the kids at home. Each person has to make the decision that is right for themselves and their family (sometimes that decision is made for you due to the circumstances) but these holier-than-thou-stay-at-home-moms need a reality check.

Answer 7

Anyone who thinks you're a "bad mom" should be ashamed of themselves! You do what you have to do and children are fine in daycare. My kids were in daycare until a few years ago and they are very outgoing and self motivated children. I think it was good for them.

Women are fortunate who are able to stay home with their kids but they should also recognize that working women work all day and then they have to come home and clean the house, make dinner and then work with the kids on homework and that's while juggling any extra activities the kids may be in such as sports or other interests.

Working moms should be commended, not condemned!

I'm just sorry that there are silly mothers out there that would make you feel like you had to post such a question.

Answer 8

I worked in a daycare... and there is a HUGE difference between where your kids are and a daycare.... I am assuming it is a registered home or something of the sort, which my mom did for years and years... it is a more personal experience... she can watch after them better and give them more attention...
I was a teacher in a daycare for 3 years and sheesh... I just don't know what to say... I just know most of the kids that came in "good little girls and boys" weren't that way when they left... the teachers are crammed in there with too many kids and can not give them the attention they need... I personally had 15 kids now how am I supposed to give each child a quality time? It is very hard to do... There is only so much you can do... And I am not talking bad about people who have to put their children in a daycare, but I know how it is in there, AND I know it is alot better in a registered home!!

Answer 9

I think you are completely right, some mothers have no choice but to use day care services in order to support there family. I say that it seems like you are a good mom for caring enough about your kids to have somewhere for them to go where you know they will be well taken care of and watched. Sometimes people don't even try that hard. Also how you raise your kids when you are with them has a bigger impact than the couple hours a day they are in daycare each day.

Answer 10

That's telling them sister!!! You go. From one working mom to another YOU ROCK! God bless you for doing what you have to do to make sure your children have what they need. The fight about working mothers and stay at home moms is decades old and not likely to be fixed. Stay at home moms think they get something that working moms don't and that their kids are better for it. I say poppycock!!!!. First of all - they don't know how to have an adult conversation. They don't know how to have any conversation that doesn't center around their children and frankly that isn't healthy.

When you get home from work, do you spend the rest of the time with your children - cooking, reading, involving them in household chores, taking them to lessons, laughing, disciplining and all that stuff? Or do you turn on the tv and tune out the kids. My guess is that you do the first and for that you are to be recognized and praised. You work 8 hours, then come home and do another full time job. Don't feel guilty - feel lucky and pity those poor women who can (or don't want to) see that not all of us has rich husbands/parents/trust funds or are willing to never have a vacation just so they can stay home with their kids. I've done both with 2 children under 2 - and by the time they went to school, I couldn't wait to go back to work. There is just so much cooking/cleaning/laundrey and shopping one can do. Let's face it. These "at home" moms are not spending 24/7 with their children tied to their hip, but yet they love to give you the impression they are. I was lucky. I could afford to stay home with my kids. You aren't and your making the best choices that you can based on your circumstances and frankly...to Hell with what anyone else things. YOU ROCK!!

Answer 11

First rule of thumb, don't believe everything you read. Everyone has a different situation, especially when you have to work outside of the home. Being a good mother is loving them, providing for them, and being there emotionally for them. It doesn't mean be there physically every minute of the day. If you have to work outside of the home, and you are the only financial support, for the family, that is your role. You are being the best you can be at this point in your life, and trust me, it is awesome. You are being mom and dad to your children, working, and making sure someone gives them great child care while you are gone. You can't ask for more than that. Be proud honey, you are a great mother and always will be. You have the drive that proves that. I am a mother of three grown children and worked most of their lives. They are wonderful successful well adjusted children as well as adults.