How can I help my perfectionist son understand everything doesn't have to be perfect?

Question

My son will be 8 in 2 weeks. He is a perfectionist. For example, he was tracing a picture the other day and was almost in tears because it wasn't looking like the picture. It is a recurring problem - he gets so frustrated when things aren't the way he thinks they should be. It pains me to see him get so worked up over things that should be minor. I have tried being easy-going with him and tell him things don't have to be perfect....just do his best. It falls on deaf ears. Does anyone know of any good resources - books and/or websites?

We tried martial arts, he just didn't care for it. He loves sports - and plays baseball. Oddly enough, he handles losing quite well. If he had what he considers a 'bad' game (striking out, errors, etc) he is hard on himself. But it is less frequent than when he is doing what I would consider more 'detailed' work....tracing, coloring, painting, etc. He gets real worked up when doing his homework, especially if makes a mistake and has to erase it.

Answer 1

My son has a similar temperament (he is 8-1/2, 3rd grade). He does better when he has more down time to read and do things he enjoys (fewer sports, clubs, lessons, etc). He dislikes being rushed so we start our routines early (bedtime, getting ready for school). He seems to thrive on routine, so we do lots of things the same way every day.

Home from School Routine
come in the door, take off shoes, put lunchbox on counter, hang up coat, hang up backback, put binder on kitchen table for homework

Bedtime Routine
clear off kitchen table (art stuff, homework), pick up room, put on PJs, pick out clothes for morning, brush teeth, read, pee, lights out, get in bed, prayers, talk for a few minutes, hug

It helps if everything about these routines is exactly the same every day. After a few weeks of fighting it, now both he and his sister love the routines, can do them by themselves if need be, and seem to be more relaxed and spontaneous when they have "free time".

School can be really stressful. It is hard to be a kid.

Since he likes drawing, doing some art might be fun, especially projects that are supposed to be messy (clay, fingerpaint) or are abstract so you can't get them "right" (and therefore can't get them wrong).

Answer 2

I have a nephew that is about 10, that is true OCD. Everything in it's place and time, he is up at 6:30 and has to have things perfect. My brother and sister in law haven't done anything for him other then cater to his every whim.. When he grows up and gets into the real world, reality will hit him the face.

My suggestions to them about Tx fall on deaf ears as well.
My suggestion would be that may want to have a psychiatrist do an eval for OCD. This can be treated with medication.. Drugs similar in action to mild anti-depressant can go a long way in helping these kids adapt to society rather then society adapying to them.. And you know how well society adapts?

Prozac, Strattera Zoloft all are prescribed for OCD, don't go to your pediatrician, go to a pediatric psychiatrist that is in the daily treatment of children for childhood disorders..

Someone mentioned an activity that pushes the kid to a point where they realize perfection is unattainable is a good behavior strategy, yet it often does not reach the core of the problem

Answer 3

My son was and still is in part the same way. It ended up leading into an anxiety disorder. I felt terrible. I put him in counselling with a fun counsellor who taught him some strategies for dealing with his perfectionism. It was hard for me to do because he's a great kid with good grades, lots of friends etc. I also wondered what I had done wrong. But you know what, nipping it in the bud was the best decision I could have made. 6 months in counselling once a week and he is a new kid. He still works hard but is not so hard on himself. It really boiled down to the fact that his perfectionism was a form of insecurity and anxiety. It's no ones fault but perfectionist kids need help early or it will get bigger. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

well, sometimes children are like this if they see it from someone they look up to, ie. parents, grandparents, or teachers. Make sure that you are not the one teaching him this. Or it could be the opposite. You might not be consistent in your child bearing techniques, and he might be trying to be different than you. Also, if that's not the case, you could show him that imperfection is a beautiful thing. Let the house go messy for a couple days. Tell him personally that it doesn't bother you. Let him have a messy room for a few days, and say it's ok to not be perfect.

Answer 5

My 5 year old is the same way. He gets really upset if things aren't exactly the way he thinks they should be. We figured out he had OCD. It took us a while to get use to it, and he is getting a little better, It is hard for them to understand "things arn;t perfect", but if you are having a hard time with it, take him to his Dr. They can prescribe him something for it.

Answer 6

I've seen a number of kids like that in martial arts training. Many of them come to realize that perfection is unattainable, just something to strive for. If martial arts interest him, consider it.

Answer 7

Have you had him checked for obsessive compulsive disorder? It may be that he just can't help it. My oldest sister has it and she literally cannot stop doing something until it is perfect in her eyes and if she can't do it it angers her really bad. I'm pretty sure there are counselors for it if needed, but there isn't really much that can be done.

Answer 8

There is nothing wrong with aiming high. But, perhaps you can teach him estimates, or approximates as an example?

PS Ignore all the people who WILL answer you saying he is obsessive compulsive and needs to see a psychiatrist.