Why does my Father dislike me so much?

Question

My Dad has 2 other kids- I'm the oldest, and they're all with different women. My parents don't get on. This became pretty clear when I was younger, so I dealt with it, and moved on. I'm a lot older now, I'm doing things I thought he'd be proud of, and yet he never says anything good about me. I thought I was beyond the stage where it mattered- but recently I decided to make more of an effort, but . . He says really horrid things about me sometimes, refers to me as a child, tells people he thinks I dress like a prostitute ( I Don't he's just really conservative), and none of his friends knows who I am, they just know that I am my mother's daugher, n my mother is power mad b***h. It angers me because I know I'm better than he makes out- but I want him to acknowledge it . His idea of a compliment, was I am 'domesticated' whilst my younger sister is not. I really want to confront him about all this- but I kno frm experience he will only try and tell me it in my head. Any Advice?

Answer 1

I doubt you will like to hear this, but it's best for you to learn to accept him, or get away from him. There are just too many reasons why he may behave towards you as he does; his own relationship with his parents as he grew up, issues of control, his own feelings of inadequacy, etc. If he reponds that it's "all in your head" the likelyhood of his changing the way he relates to you is in the range of slim to none. You can change yourself, but you can't change someone else. Especially someone who has no motivation to change what they refuse to see as a problem area.
The person you must answer to is in the mirror. If you can see the positives, that is the important thing. It may be nescesary to put some space between you and your father. If you can't get that space near him, then you should consider options that remove that nearness. Move away, so that you will see less of him.
If this seems to be a harsh solution, it is better than your continued exposure to the belittling of positives in your behavior. Do you agree with his assessment of you? Hope not. Will you let his opinion override your own opinion about yourself? Will you live your life? or just the extension of his he selects for you?
The dangers to you are many. I doubt that he does this because he doesn't love you, he probably loves you immensly. The end result can still be the same. Will you revolt from him and do things that you know are wrong, that hurt you, just because he fails to relate to the positives you display in a positive way? That's a very real danger.
Accept the fact that although he more than likely loves you, he has an inability to express that in a way that provides you with a sense of fulfillment. You may never recirve anything more than a "backhand compliment" from him. If that is too stressful while seeing so much of him, the best alternative is to see less of him, until you reach a point where his reactions don't create such pain in you. In the meantime don't do things just to seek his approval, do things for your own approval that may, or may not, meet with his approval. If it's any consolation, many families have similar dynamics. It doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean that there are many "uncaring" parents, but it puts you with many who share your feelings. Just keep striving ahead instead of "showing him" how his lack of positive reinforcement can lead to negative actions. Best of luck.

Answer 2

I had a similar experience with my Dad.

Whatever you say to him he will not acknowledge because it will mean he was responsible; he was a "bad" father and he can't accept that. The real reason is probably because of his upbringing, he didn't know how to handle an independent female child so ignoring her was the easiest for him; or belittleing her. He will find something wrong with whatever you do.

My advice to you is to go about your business and do things for yourself that make you happy, not for you father's approval. Let that concept go. For yourself, let the anger go. It only eats at you, and it doesn't hurt him a bit. Learn to fill in that love you missed by loving yourself.

Then, finally, this will be the hardest part, forgive him for his ignorance. I know you feel like you missed so much as a kid, but it's just not worth the bitterness to hold on to it forever. It makes you a small person. My mother is 77 years old and STILL harbors that resentment of her father and hes' been dead for 50 years! Do you want to carry that with you all of your life?

When you get older, your father will need you. At that time, be there for him. Accept any small amount of approval or affection he can offer. And when your days are final, you'll never have to regret a thing.

Trust me, it will bring you alot of peace and might even bring you closer together to your Dad. That's what happened to me. He listens now and tells me he loves me. I'm glad I didnt' alliniate my relationship with him and my heart is healed.

God love you both.

Answer 3

They say in life we will never be able to make everyone happy. I dont know what makes your dad this way towards you and I know what its like when you try so hard to please him, like myself and my dad, nothing I did was good enough for him. Well, I stopped trying and just lived my life to the best I could. He may never take the time to notice your efforts and for this I am sorry, I wish I could take him by the scruff of his neck and show him what he is missing. You may try a last effort and be honest with your feelings, maybe a card or a letter stating how he has made you feel all those years and that its not in your head because why has it hurt for so long. You will not be able to change him or his ways, he will have to realize it himself and decide that on his own. But at least you will be able to get it off your chest in your last effort to talk with him. Hope this helped a little at least.

Answer 4

Wow, sometimes it better to love from a distance. I've had to do that with my mom. I love her, but I can't deal with her behavior. So, I don't live near her anymore, I limit the amount of time we talk, in hopes she won't say or do anything totally absurd and offensive. So far its worked pretty good. Sometimes for your own well being you have to just let them be and try really hard no to think about them. I have reached a point where I'm going to live my life the way I want to, and I just don't care if others like it or approve. Someone can only treat you as badly, as you allow them too. When he says hurtful things or does hurtful things, just walk off. Go spend some time with people that like you for who you are. Yes it is your dad, and you love him, but there is no need to put yourself thru emotional hell if you don't have to.

Answer 5

I know what you are going thru cause i went thru it with my own father. I am the oldest and have 2 younger brothers but one is with another woman. One day i just got so furious with my dad and i just decided to write him a note stating all the stuff he never did for me but could do for other peoples kids, and how he never complimented me on anything or showed that he even cared. I left the note on his truck and later that night we talked about it and now, he has changed his ways, maybe you should try that.

Answer 6

First off ignore nameless, he's just a jerk with too much time on his hands, check out his other answers..clearly he has no life. Secondly I know how it feels, my father never wanted a daughter and he makes it quite clear. He probably is taking his anger towards your mother out on you and that isnt fair. You need to sit him down and point out that youre not responsible for her actions and that he needs to stop treating you like crap because of his feelings for her, be ready with examples for when he tries to tell you that its all in your head. The more the better. Also tell him how you dress and how you live your life is your business, not his and not his friends. Point out everything you've accomplished despite having a father who is obviously more childish than you could ever be, and ask him why its so hard for him to acknowledge that you're not the failure that he makes you out to be. If this doesnt work then stop waiting for his approval, because obviously he's a man with issues and you dont need his problems to drag you down. Trust me I know, I stop letting my fathers feelings towards me bring me down, and I'm better off for it. Good luck hun

Answer 7

If I were your dad, i might want to be better hectic about your boyfriends age. i understand that's legal and all, yet that a lot of an age distinction at your age seems slightly ordinary. on occasion dads are racist, and there is not any longer plenty that you may want to do about it. My dad threatened to disown me and any destiny grandkids if I ever had a severe courting with absolutely everyone of a particular race. My husband has stated that he might want to favor our son be gay than marry right into a race with a thoroughly diverse custom than ours. And that if our daughter had blended babies, he did not imagine he would have some thing to do with them. Psht... i do not understand how I managed to discover someone virtually precisely like my dad. with slightly of success your dad isn't THAT lifeless set hostile to Jews. If he's, you've were given to go back to a call on though. in case you imagine about it, that's extremely HIS situation and by no skill yours... notwithstanding in case you elect a strong courting with him, probable you need to cater to his concepts. that's ridiculous... notwithstanding that's basically the way some each and every man or woman is regrettably.

Answer 8

Maybe one of the reasons he says "horrid things" is b/c you remind him of your mother. If he dislikes her so much and you look and or act like she did or would he's bound to take it out on you. My advice is try to talk openly with him and tell him how you feel. Or ask him to go to counseling with you. If you don't think that will work just don't think about it to much you can be happy despite his mental and verbal abuse. Just find some real friends that you can count on and they will help you get through.

Answer 9

My advice to you would be to stop seeking your fathers approval! I know it is difficult and frustrating, but you seem to be a good person. You have to be happy with yourself, and understand that some people are just negative and unhappy! If you continue to try to get him to change, you will drive yourself crazy in the meantime. Live your life, be happy, focus on what your legacy to your children will be, and work really hard at being the best you can be! If he never sees it, that needs to be ok with you! Not easy, but ok. The truth is that he is probably very unhappy with himself. It is always easier to focus on someone else's life than it is to concentrate on changing our own. Good luck to you!

Answer 10

Sadly, yes, I do have advice. Based on what you've written, I assume you are an adult. So as much as it may hurt you, for your own sanity and mental health, I suggest you no longer seek Daddy's approval. Make your own way in life and be the very best that you can be.