My daughter was 8 years old when I re-married. Her Step-Father has been wonderful to her. He always treated her well and bought her anything she asked for and paid for her college education. Her Bioligical Father was never around and paid for nothing. When she told us that she was getting married recently I assumed that she would want her Step-Father to give her away at the Wedding. However, she surprised the both of us when she told us that she had recently been in contact with her Bioligical Father and that they were working on reparing their relationship. Therefore, she asked her Bioligical Father to give her away at her Wedding. I told her that I was as shocked and hurt as her Step-Father was. I told her that if she was excluding her Step-Father that we would not pay a cent on the Wedding. She said fine then you two are not invited and we have not seen or heard from her for 6 months now. We have tried calling and sending letter's we both miss our Daughter and love her very much.
2006-10-24 00:34:19 · 12 answers · asked by Jane Smith 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
give your daughter a chance to find out what he bio dad is like to see if she even really wants a relationship with him, this is all new to her and of course she wants to get to know him, you gave her an ultimatium and it looks like she took it just to spite you. Why could not the 3 of you attended her wedding and not made HER day even more stressful? This day was not about you but about herand you made it about you. I am sure she loves you and her step dad but she needs time right now to figure out what it is she wants..who knows what her bio dad is saying to her...just keep reassuring her in anyway that you can that you are sorry for the decision that you made and that you love her and are still there for her
2006-10-24 00:41:20 · answer #1 · answered by Dark Goddess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every person needs there father in there life. Your husband now tryed to fill the part but It isn't the same, she loves and is thankful for what he's done for her but he couldn't fill that void in her life only her real father can do that. You and your new husband should be thankful that you had her for the time you did. Find out where she is and send her some flowers with a note saying your sorry and add that check. If you can live without your daughter in your life keep you money.
2006-10-24 01:01:50 · answer #2 · answered by money maker 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground, mom! Don't cave in to her selfishness. She'll come around and realize that while she may have made a mistake not letting her step-dad give her away, it was a big mistake to cut you two out of her life like she has.
You made the ground rules when you threatened not to pay part of the wedding cost unless your terms were met, step-dad giving her away, and now, you have to stand your ground.
She'll see the error of her ways when the real dad falls off of the pedestal she's put him on and contact you again.
Until then, send the usual cards, birthday, holiday, and just thinking of you, but try not to make a pest of it.
2006-10-24 00:45:44 · answer #3 · answered by Lucianna 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all....Even if your daughter wanted a relationship with biological father doesn't mean she forgot all the wonderful things her Step-Father has done...She knows who loves her and took care of her through the years...Maybe she did want to repair the relationship with her father...That did not mean she wanted to end the relationship she has with her Step-father...Sure you were surprised by her decision to let her father give her away at her wedding..But so what?....You should have accepted the fact...even tho you were shocked and hurt about it and stood by your daughter..It think you should do whatever you can to repair this relationship with your daughter..Forget about the fact she wants to repair the relationship with her biological Father...It doesn't matter....If he was never around then..most likely he won't be around now for long...
2006-10-24 01:08:11 · answer #4 · answered by Sunshine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How old is your daughter now? did she show any sign of anger or bitterness recently i mean before she decided to marry.If she has to take an effort and find her biological father she must had some kind of problem at home.Think about it she has not contacted you since it must be something serious not for you but for her. You never know something you or your husband must have said or done.I think once you find that out you will be able to resolve it.
2006-10-24 01:08:30 · answer #5 · answered by Specky 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both cut your noses off to spite your face----You threatened not to pay----and she followed thru with NO INVITE----is it working for either one of you?
Your daughter had every right to mend the breach between herself and her father----You however should've just been happy for your daughter----so her bio-father walks her down the aisle---so what---You and your now husband---missed the chance to enjoy the happiness your daughter had on HER DAY----
You will probably never be able to repair what YOU DID-----and YOU are the ONE that did this-----YOU were being selfish when you made your threats of not paying a cent----You see now what selfishness and self centeredness has on a family now broken---
2006-10-24 00:57:42 · answer #6 · answered by aunt_beeaa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off apologize, apologize again and again and again you will never live this down. You were completely in the wrong. It was HER big day, to live as SHE chose. and in her fantasy I'm sure you were both there supporting her however your pig headedness prevented it.
I'm sure you were hurt, but why? think about it.... pause and reflect, it was for your own selfish reasons. She didn't mean to hurt you, as any daughter she wanted to be supported in her decision. and you let her down.
Aplogize Apologize and Beg her to forgive you for messing up her wedding. It's the only way you can speed up the process to get her back.
Good luck
2006-10-24 00:45:57 · answer #7 · answered by JenniferJeanne84fromCanada 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I can only imagine what you feel. I don't know how old she is, but maybe, that has something to do with it. I can understand her need to identify in this world. By that, I mean her desire to connect with her bio doner. (If her step-father (dad) did all the legwork throughout her childhood, and was in every sense of the word, her dad, then he deserves to be called her father, not the guy who donated the sperm) Hopefully she over time will come to realize this. Maybe the doner has turned out to finally be a decent guy, and she likes him... maybe she is spreading her wings, and not exactly liking who she sees herself as under the identity of who you guys raised her to be, and is looking for more, something different to identify with... whatever it may be, I am sure it hurts, period. Just let her know that you are there for her. Maybe cutting of the funding for the wedding wasn't the thing to do, I really don't know. But one thing is for sure, she likely will use that to remain angry... "look at what they did, how mean they were to lil ol me." Keeping that to facillitate the anger. Only way I can think of to overcome that is to talk if she will listen. Do not yell, or fight, stay as far from that as possible. You have loved her all these years, continue to do so, and let her know. Write her, send her a card. She will do what she wants (obviously) but if she ever needs a friend, or a mom, by continuing to let her know you love her, and miss her as a friend, someday, she will need mom and dad, and come back. Maybe she needs to mature some, it sounds like it. College education doesn't equate to a well grounded mature adult. Plenty of times, it can result in an over educated person wih a grandios view of themselves..."look at me, I have my degree, I'm smarter than everyone in the room." way of thinking, yet they can very easily miss out on what is truly important in life. ie, family. I know it hurts, you love your daughter. I think she will return to you, but it may be some time. Let her know you love her like always. Discuss other ways you could have handled it. maybe the wedding thing wasn't the best way to go on either side in terms of the decisions made. Your the mom, as parents kids hurt us every once in awhile, sometimes really badly. This is one of those times. You can get through this. Meanwhile you sound like you have a great husband. Count your blessings, you have them in your life. We all do, sometimes they are hard to focus on though. I know that as well as anyone, especially these days. I wish you the best. Be strong, the two of you sound like a great team.
2006-10-24 00:58:29 · answer #8 · answered by maybcyaround 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one.My sister sort of had this same problem,when she got married it was the biological dad that was giving her problems .She wanted our step father our biological father and grandfather to walk her down the isle,to please everyone.However he wouldn't hear of it so he disowned her and never spoke to her the rest of his life .He passed away never knowing his grandkids or his daughter.I am sure he felt gilty all his life but never fessed up to it.My mother disowned me.(Yes I came from a very disfunctional family).She never spoke to me for years because she didn' like who I was marrying.(another story).All I can tell you is she will come around,my mother did.Don't worry about trying to stop crying.I cried all the time too,If you have supportive family and friends talk to them too.It will pass and she will come around.My mother finally started talking to me when I had my first child,I'm thinking she will not want her kids not to know a granparent.It will take time but it will get better.
2006-10-24 00:53:21 · answer #9 · answered by salgal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get in touch with someone other than her biological father, who knows her well. Let him/her talk to her. Dont loose heart - time is the best healer. Good luck
2006-10-24 00:40:49 · answer #10 · answered by Rajeev 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋