Can your recommend a better name than "Stepdad" that my son can call me?

Question

I recently got married and my wife has a son. I refer to him as my son, but I'm not comfortable with him calling me by my first name. I also recognize that he has a dad in his life. I beleive that the term dad should be reserved for the father he's known for most his life. So, is there another name that he can call me? Not sure I like "Pop". What do stepfathers have their children call them?

Thanks so much for many of the comments. Didn't know what information you would need/want. He's 16 and his dad is still very much in his life - and I'm grateful for that. He lives about 3 miles away and he spends equal time with us and his father. Still, I feel a sense of obligation to his well being, and its hard to talk to your son about difficult subjects when you're trying to be his friend.

I should also ask that I did ask him what he thought, and he said, before I could clarify, that he really couldn't call me dad. I told him that the Dad label should be reserved for the father he's known most his life.

And, for the doofus who went all CAPS on me, the issue is about my concern with having some social distance. Now maybe that isn't the right way to think about it. I come from a culture where you would never call someone who was a father figure by their first name. Now, if you think the name issue isn't important, then I'm willing to hear that message too.

Answer 1

My son is thirteen, He calls my husband by his first name. There really isnt much by way of names that he can call you. I think him calling you by your first name is the best thing,

"Hey Stepdad" is almost like you guys have no love for each other, its cold.
"Mr. (last name)" is just as bad.
anything that is another name for "dad" such as "pop" or "father" is not appropriate if he has a dad in his life.

If you love the kid, you will let him call you whatever is easiest for him to handle. And maybe age is a factor. I wonder what does he call you now anyway, and whatever that is, maybe you should just let it continue because it is a comfort zone for him. Your a grown man, I think you can get over a little discomfort more so than a child can get over a life changing experience.

Answer 2

Since you recently got married, how about letting the child decide what he wants to call you. Whether you are comfortable with him calling you by your name or not shouldn't be the issue at this tender stage...he probably needs more time to formulate his own heartfelt endearment.

The title of "Step-Dad" will always be yours and to push anything else may be a grave mistake. It is also a distinction that will most likely remain in use because it is the norm.

You don't mention how old he is (which could be a deciding factor) but given he can make the distinction, perhaps you should pose this question directly to him. In time, with love and patience it could morph into him calling his father Dad and you Pa or PaPa. If he wants to call you Pop, then you might allow it for the simple fact that it is more personal and that is what you want to encourage in the first place...correct?

Then how much he likes you or your involvement is another factor to consider. He may never call you anything but your name. You can't force love and respect, you can only nurture it.

Depending on the child's father, maybe you can suggest that they discuss it and come up with a solution. That may reassure both of them that you have an understanding of your place in the extended family unit.

If all else fails...make up a funny nickname "Quasi-dad" could get a chuckle in knowing circles.

Answer 3

I must commend you for being so sensitive to your new son and the changes all of you are going through. I have not been in shoes like yours but I know if you sat down with him and talked it over. It would be so cool and mean so much to him that you and he were making a pact. He probably has some ideas of his own. If he doesn't how about Papa....it's endearing and as long as you both feel comfortable it's your personal choice.....best wishes on your marriage and your new son. God bless you all with a long happy life together. Mama Jazzy Geri

Answer 4

My children address their biological father "papa". When we speak of him I refer to him as "your father". We refer and call to my husband as "dad". Amidst conversation with my children and self, we have managed to differenciate between the two. This subject for us fortunately was not an issue. Though I may not know of other terms you son can acknowledge by... try a thesaurus, or even look up on the internet. Good Luck:)

Answer 5

That's a tough question. Most people I know with step-parents call them by name or in a fathers case; POP (which I never understood). Have you asked your wife's son what HE would prefer to call you? I would probably call my step-mom (if I had one) by her name. What are YOU comfortable with? I see nothing wrong with DAD but I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone to feel as though you were stepping on their toes. Good luck in whatever you choose.

Answer 6

This would probably depend on how old the child is. If he is young enough he is going to call you whatever he feels like calling you. If he is older then ask him. (This probably would also depend on the type of relationship you have with his true father and the type of guy his father is). I mean is he a low life and you are going to be supporting most of this childs needs. You can be a sperm donor and not be a daddy. So, in sum, younger probably doesn't matter they create their own name, older talk to the child and ask his mother.

Answer 7

I have 4 kids 3 are mine,so in short I have 3 step children.it really depends on the role that the Dad plays,and the Age of the kid.If they are old enough,kinda let them call you what they like,maybe suggest you like pa,or whatever suits you.i think in time,if you are a good dad,the label comes off as step dad,and you to are a Dad.I dont like the first name thing I think its a bit of disrespect f the kid lives with you,your doing most of the daddy work..think it over maybe talk to your wife about or the kid,and find something you guys like until one day he just says Hi Dad..

Answer 8

Personally, I call my own stepfather by his actual name and that seems to work for us. For now, just stick to your actual name because this is likely to be less intimidating to your stepson, particularlly in the initial stages of your family relationship. Its likely that as time passes, you will develop a stronger relationship with your stepson and maybe by this point he will call you by a nickname or even just plain old "dad". Whatever the case, be patient with him- this is going to be a big adjustment for him and the best thing you can do at this point in time is be patient. Good Luck :)

Answer 9

Well in my country some stepdads let them call them uncle "and your first name "So if your name was john he would call you uncle john.We even do this with non relatives like friends but used as a mark of respect but not because they are family.Dont like that what about a nickname:example"Happy"a nice term to be called .Happy can I have a glass of water please.Or choose another you like .

Answer 10

I think maybe he could call you by your first name, maybe like new friends calling each other. After his more comfortable then he should decide how to address you, besides, it is not really good for him to get confused over name-calling. As long as the respect and feeling is there , names aren't as important as nuclear missiles.