In june a friend of mine got married and i was a bridesmaid. Now my other friend is getting married but her fiancee is an asshole he has hit her tried to suffocate her and that was when she was pregnant the baby is now 10 months old this guy has serious problems. And i asked her why is she marrying him and she said she wants to get married she doesnt care who to. But she wants me to be a bridesmaid i cant stand to see her marry him. What should i do?
2006-10-23 19:39:53 · 19 answers · asked by cheekykim17 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
When i was younger my best friend from school asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I was unaware of just who she was marrying and so i accepted. My son was only 14 months old at the time i took him up to the wedding with me so that i could honour my agreement.
The wedding day came and they were arguing and bickering the whole time.
By the time the reception had finished the groom was so utterly drunk that he could barely walk, but somehow he mustered up the coordination to start a very aggresive punch up with a young boy who would have only been about 14, this boy was a neighbor. The groom had punched and kicked this guy into the ground and the wounds on this boy was so bad that he was bleeding from the head and the groom kept going and going.
This was the first time i had ever witnessed such an attack and i was so scared that the boy was going to die that i called the police secretly from my mobile. i then called an ambulance for the boy.
I was so scared of this guy that i even rang my mum and dad and begged them to buy plane tickets for myself and my son so we could get home.
I did not sleep that night. I was so upset.
The next day the groom was on the hunt for who called the police and ambulance. I was holding my son in my arms while i was packing. He cornered me i dont know how he figured it out but he started asking me if i did it. I said yes. i said that he almost killed that boy and i had to do it.
He then started shoving me around while i was holding my son.
My friend said nothing in my defence. in fact she was angry with me for ringing them too. I could not believe it!
I rang a cab and got to the airport and flew home now fully aware what she had entered into. I did not speak with her for a very long time. i think it was about two years until one day she rang me begging for my help. she said that he had bashed through doors on a rampage trying to bash her. he finally got to her in the bathroom and through her through the glass screen on the shower. he then picked her up by the throat and through her through the bathroom window.
She was planning her escape.
After this she was soon divorced.
What you are going through and about to go through is very diificult and i have one thing that i know for sure. You can not learn her lessons for her.
You can not put yourself out there to be known to disapprove of this guy. he has no idea how much you know about him and that is how you want to keep it.
As far as she is concerned i do not think it wise to be a bridesmaid in these cirrcumstances at all. tell her that you are there for her when she needs you to help her get out but until then stay clear.
Hopefully she will snap out of it when she realises that for what is meant to be a cheerful occasion, the people closest to her are unhappy for her and she will decide to strive for more.
But you can not make her love herself.
Good luck honey. I really do wish you all the best.
2006-10-23 22:32:06 · answer #1 · answered by alilovespete 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I would sit her down and let her know that you are against it and that you would be more than willing to take her out more or babysit while she goes out more and maybe finds a more suitable mate.
I would not however decline the bridemaid position, and heres why.... You obviously care very much about her or you would simply shake your head at her poor decision and let her find out on her own. You are making the extra effort to try and help her. She will NOT see this if you turn her down though and when she falls (and she will eventually.... he will hurt her in front of her child or will hurt her badly enough that she will have to be seen medically and he will go to jail, and she will probably see how low she has gotten but will remember your support) you can be there to help her pick up the pieces of her life and start again... she will need you more then than ever because she will suddenly be a single mom on her own.
What I am trying to say is this: After explaining your position on her engagement and upcoming marriage tell her this "Against my better judgement I will be your bridesmaid, but I want to make it clear that I am only there for YOU because you are very special to me." and let her lean on you later when she needs you most.
2006-10-23 20:20:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would sit her down for a serious heart to heart. I would explain to her that you really think she is making a bad decision. Tell her the reasons why and offer to support her in other ways, such as helping with the baby or going out with her to meet other guys, such as at clubs or bowling - whatever. But I would tell her that you can't possible stand up for her at a wedding that you are against. At least that is what I would do. I don't think I could stand up as a bride's maid in a wedding that I was against. But I would also let her know that you are there for her if she needs any help. I would also let her know that divorces are very expensive and can be very messy and wouldn't it be better to wait for the right guy instead of jumping in with the wrong guy and hurting not only herself but her little baby as well. Good luck, that sounds like a tough situation.
2006-10-23 19:52:15 · answer #3 · answered by Shadowtwinchaos 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was supposed to be the maid of honor in my cousin's wedding and her fiance at the time sounds alot like your friend's. I told her in no uncertain terms that I could not stand up for her if she was going into such a situation. I made sure that she understood exactly why I wouldn't be her MOH. Turns out I was right, she was in divorce proceedings 6 months after the wedding. You should tell her that you can't support her in this endeavor since her man is ABUSIVE; but you'll help run from him. Try printing out this question so she'll see how messed up her life is and how she is about to ruin it completely. Also, try making her see that her baby shouldn't live in that kind of situation.
2006-10-23 20:57:57 · answer #4 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take her out to dinner or coffee or something you both enjoy doing and tell her that you can't support her in her marriage to a low life. Let her know that you are doing it because she is your friend and you don't want to see her and her child(ren) on the front page of a newspaper some day as a serious crime victim and her future husband as the perpatrator. Then pay for her meal (or what ever) after you have told her why you don't want her to marry him and letting her respond. Sometimes being a true friend means hurting your friend's feelings by telling them they are making a bad decision and letting them know why.
2006-10-23 19:51:37 · answer #5 · answered by passion8 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would tell her that you care for her very much and do not want to see her with someone who abuses her like that, therefore you could not in good conscience be part of it, or support her union with him. Many times a woman is going to be angry with you for saying something like that, but hopefully she smartens up and also realizes that she may not care who she marries, but she has an innocent baby in that mess. It could take years or sadly he could kill her first before she gets the courage to leave. Too bad she doesn't see this aspect of it all, but know that women like this many times can get angry at you for bad mouthing the abuser, yet he earned the title of jerk, to put it nicely. I hope she doesn't go through with this. What a mess.
2006-10-23 19:54:16 · answer #6 · answered by brat789456 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that it may be time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your friend. You need to tell her that marrying someone just because you want to get married isnt a true reason for getting married. You need to tell her all the positive things about her and tell her that she needs to wait for a man that will care for her and her baby and treat them the way they deserve to be treated.
When i was going to get married to a guy that my friends and family didnt approve of and i ask a friend of mine to be a bride'smaid she said that she would do it for me but that i needed to ask myself why i really wanted to marry him after the way he had been treating me and that i really needed to sort things out in my head before i went ahead with anything.
All you can do is be there for your friend and support her. If she is a smart woman (which im sure she is) she will come to her senses and listen to reason
2006-10-23 20:27:44 · answer #7 · answered by dragonfly_princess_72 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Although it is really hard you need to let her that you can not support a marriage you do not believe in. It would be one thing if you just didn't care to much for him but you out right hate him (with just cause) and the bridesmaid is supposed to be happy and believe in what she is witnessing.
As hard as it was for me I had to tell my best friend that I could not standup at his wedding because I didn't believe in it. It was a very similar stituation but it was her that treated him like crap including the hitting. She even kicked him in "jewels" one night because he went to visit his son and she said it was to remind him of his mistake.
It's really hard to not "support" your friend but it's harder to stand in front of everyone and say how happy you are that these two are together.
I can tell you I went to hte wedding because I loved him with all my heart but I could not stand up in frount of God and all our friends and family and support the marriage.
For us the important part was talking through why I said I couldnot stand up at the wedding so he understood it wasn't that I wasn't his best friend or that I didn't love him it was just I couldn't support the marriage.
(on a side note keep hope the marriage only lasted for 6 months because she put him in the ER and he came to his sences.)
2006-10-23 19:50:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow this is a hard one... you need to make your feelings about him clear. but you should also be there for her and show her that you love her no matter what and you'll always be there for her. to be honest if you tell her that you don't want to be a bridesmaid you may just lose her as a friend forever. make sure she knows everything your doing and saying is out of love! but if she doesnt listen and you dont ant to lose her then just suck it up and support her decision and be there to catch her when she falls.
2006-10-23 19:50:36 · answer #9 · answered by ccdavis01 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a friend ~ have a long talk with her,
marriage is not a toy, but the way she is contemplating marriage is morally wrong.
One does not get married for the sake of getting married...
2006-10-23 23:32:52 · answer #10 · answered by Alan P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋