Both my wife and myself live with my 20 year old step daughter! She quit college away from home to move back with the promise she would go back to school this summer! Now she says she doesn't know what she wants to do! She work's part time for a minimum wage paying job and the rest of the time she is partying with a bad crowd who drinks and smokes pot! All minors! Sometimes she does not even come home! Whenever anyone tries to talk to her, she starts shouting and starts having a tantrum, saying we treat her like a child! I am getting her a much better paying job and now she tell's me she can't pass a drug test! I am so angry at her! I snapped at her this weekend and now she is going to stay with her father this week! She acts like a little brat! She is getting out of control! She has no respect for her mother and I am just about ready to lay my cards down with her! Give her an altermadem! Don't get me wrong, she is a good kid and I love her very much! It just hurts me !
2006-10-23 17:01:56 · 18 answers · asked by ron 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
oh boy...sounds like you're in for it.
My suggestion is that you and the rest of the family confront her on her behavior and start making her accountable for her actions. She throws temper tantrum because it works.
As far as you treating her like a child...she still is and her actions are proving it. She needs to start having adult responsibilities.
Paying rent, car insurance, clothing, food, etc etc.
The ultimatum sounds fine as long as the whole family gets on board. There cant be anyone who will cave to her temper tantrums. I suggest you all get together to come up with a game plan and a united front. Once she realizes she cant use all of you against each other...she may straighten out. Other than that..you've got a long road ahead of you
2006-10-23 17:09:19 · answer #1 · answered by Steph 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's a "good kid" but you tossed her out...uh huh Well considering the fact that she had to be TAUGHT to be the way she is either your wife or her ex husband is at fault. Someone messed up in the parenting department. When she returned home from school elsewhere was there any discussion about rent? If not that is part of where the problem lies. She should be paying rent as well as part of the household bills and grocery bill. Then she wouldn't have money to spend on partying and drugs and would be learning more about responsiblity. Don't blame her for doing exactly what she has been allowed to do. A child doesn't come into this world as a responsible adult, they have to be TAUGHT how to be a responsible adult...someone didn't teach her very well.
2006-10-23 18:37:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
TOUGH LOVE!! You have to demand respect and if she can't or won't give it to you... Out she goes. I know it's harsh, but if she is going to change for the better it will be when you give her the boot. If she has no intention of changing she will go down the tubes and possible come around later. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but there is not sense of making your life miserable and letting her walk all over you. I told my dad once that I was gong to run away and he said don't let the door hit you in the a**. Let me tell you that put me in my place. She will party a while and I'm sure make terrible choices, but sometimes you have to fall in the ditch before you can get out. BUT.... You and your wife have to be together on any situation you make.. Once it's made there is no going back because you will undermine your authority. You can't boot her and then one of you sneak her money behind the others back it will create conflict between you and your wife and it's not worth it. Also, you need to be cerious about this when/if you boot her... change your locks. It's your house.. It's your life... You raised her the best you could I'm sure and not she is an adult and will make her own decisions if you like it or not.
2006-10-23 20:03:03 · answer #3 · answered by k_powell76 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a step parent your challenges are multiplied. However, you are treating her like a child. She needs a dose of reality and consequences for her actions. Give her 3 choices: 1. She can join the military - they can most certainly have a good chance at straightening things out. 2. She can move out and live however she pleases. 3. She can go to a rehab clinic. If she refuses to make a choice - she must move out. She is taking advantage of you and forcing her choices to affect your life and household and that is not right. She is an adult - immature or not and a heavy dose of reality is what she needs. If there are no seen consequences to her actions - she'll do whatever she pleases - that is called a spolied brat - one that will walk all over you like a doormat - it's time for you to get tough - step parent or not. Even if she moves back with dad - at this point - how would that hurt the situation? Let him have a dose of it - some adult has to step into her world and show some tough love - she doesn't feel loved because no one is tough enough to prove it here. The opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference. Your actions are showing indifference to her and not communicating love.
2006-10-23 17:14:17 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yeah... you are not alone! I am 20 now, but I put my parents through the same thing a few years ago. I used to be the exact same way as what you just described! The difference is, I was under 18, so my parents had (some) control over what I did... It is hard to control a 20 year old, however she does live under YOUR roof, so that is definitely your high card right there... What is the father doing to discipline her? The problem with me was my mom would lay down the law, and I would go and visit my father when I didn't like it and he wouldn't enforce anything she said (which ended up hurting me in the end). If the father is cooperative, then team up with him and lay down some rules that will be enforced no matter where she is at. You HAVE to make boundaries. You and her mother need to sit her down and tell her that you love her and care about her very much, and you have tried to do everything you can to help her pull herself out of her rut... and now you need to lay some rules down: i.e. the next time she goes out and does not come home, she will find all of her things moved out on the front driveway, and that she needs to find herself a place of her own. And when she pulls that whole "You're treating me like a child" deal, her mother needs to tell her "You are acting like one." It is hard being the step-parent because she isn't YOUR daughter... depending on your relationship with her father, it is hard for you to take control. But her mother is still her mother and you need to encourage her to be firm yet loving with her daughter. She (your wife) needs to be consistent with her. If she lays down a rule, she needs to stick by it. My mom always used to make a rule, and after all of my pitiful begging, she would finally cave in.... big mistake!!! I never took her seriously after that.... So, anyways I hope some of my experience can help you.
Needless to say, the only thing that changed my heart was an encounter with God. After a series of arrests, drugs, and several other BAD choices, I made the decision to give my life over to the Lord one day after a very bad consequence happened to me because of the choices I was making... I realized that this was not the lifestyle I wanted to live and the only one who could change me was God. That was when I was about 18. I am 20 now, and have not had a drop of alcohol, no drugs, and have been abstinent for the last 2 and a half years, and in April I will be getting married to the most wonderful man in the world. I said all that to say this: it took God and God alone to change my hard heart, and I don't know if you are a religious man, but maybe you should take this situation to the Big man upstairs... He can do the impossible, and change the impossible - I am living proof, someone was praying for me...
But anyways, end result is - you and her mother cannot wipe her butt forever... She needs to know that she either lives by house rules or she gets the boot!!!
2006-10-23 17:06:59 · answer #5 · answered by DanielleJane 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
She is 20 my age at this point you have the right to say shape up or ship out. If I was doing that my parents would most likly try to help saying that your old enough to act like an adult if you are going to come home drunk or high you need to rethink where you are going in life and we are willing to help but if you dont want it you can leave and come back when you are ready.
2006-10-23 17:18:33 · answer #6 · answered by serenity_may 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You aren't her parent, even though you feel like it. Her parents need to lay down the law, with your support. Is her mother ready to do this?
She is an adult now, so she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Let her know she can't stay in the house if she won't follow your rules. Try to get her dad to do the same.
She will learn by her own experience if she is not willing to learn from anybody else's.
2006-10-23 17:18:50 · answer #7 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to make her get out on here own. She is 20 years old, she is legally resonsible for her self. It is time for her to grow up and know what it is like to live with the choices that she makes. They all have to crawl before they can walk. It is hard on parents but you are doing her no good by enableing her. Tough Love is hard on the parents but if you don't do it now she will never grow up.
2006-10-23 17:17:39 · answer #8 · answered by slanteyedkat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Ron,
Let's name your step daughter Kim for short. Kim might be in for a difficult spot right now. She finds life tough at this stage. So much to so, so little time. She can't find space do anyhting. Life is'nt going the way she wants. She wants to escape. She finds life is out of her hands, out of her reach. So she thinks. The only thing she wants to do is to break out of all those miseries. For that, she needs help. Talking to a psycologist might help. But making her going to one might be tough because she might think that your making her more insecure. She wants to shudder from your shelter but secretly desires for it. Maybe if you act as she seems to want you to, she will understand. Like if she throws a tantrum, say fine and let her have it her way. I she comes early in the morning (after god noes what,) ask what she wants for breakfast. Give her space. Within time, everything will be alright. Have no time left.....sorry....could help more
2006-10-23 17:12:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well some of us cal it tough love. Lay down the rules.... Shes 20, she thinks she knows all, well then let her discover that she doesnt know it all. Cant abide by the rules, dont have a place to stay. She will probably rebel, but will learn so many life lessons from it, that you coul have never taght her. 20 is old enough to be out on her own!
2006-10-23 17:08:18 · answer #10 · answered by bangbanks72 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋