Oh that I could fly
Away from this body corrupt,
Free as this bird in flight
Singing songs of delight.
Then would I soar away
Upon feathered wings.
Sailing on warm winds
Never looking back.
But I am not a bird
That freedom is not mine
This is my body
This is my life.
I cannot complain
Love is mine.
Still I shall soar with this bird
Soar with wings that are words.
Flying away for a time,
Enojoying his travels and peace
Then return to the life that is mine.
2006-10-23 13:54:33 · 14 answers · asked by Debra M. Wishing Peace To All 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Ok if more people write and ask for no more poems than those who say they like them I will stop sending them.
2006-10-23 13:57:01 · update #1
Yeah please stop with the poems...It is not like they are bad, in fact they are good...Its just that it gets annoying after awhile
2006-10-23 13:58:03 · answer #1 · answered by a person 5 · 2⤊ 3⤋
Just a few things. One: enjambment is your friend. The short phrases stopping at the end of the line with the hit and miss rhyme is making it choppy. Killing your flow off, ya know? Two: Cliche. How many birds = spiritual freedom images do we have these days? I'm guessing this is why it's in "religion & spiritualiaty". Personalize it with concrete images to work the extended metaphor into something new rather than declarative statements culled from Hallmark. Three: "Then would I soar away?" It's free verse. You don't have to work weird grammar to make it metrical. And please, for the love of the Bard, do not use archaic grammar to make it sound more "poetic". It makes you sound like you're trying too hard.
I liked the phrase "body corrupt".
2006-10-23 14:06:07 · answer #2 · answered by Muffie 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Thank you for the lovely poems Debra.
Please keep sending them; they are a treasure well worth reading and keeping.
Far better than a lot of the trash we see in this forum.
God bless you.
2006-10-23 14:02:27 · answer #3 · answered by sworddove 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I like it, but it would probably be better to put them in literature instead of here.
2006-10-23 14:44:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the poem.
And you can tell those who don't like poems that they don't have to read them if they're tired of them.
2006-10-23 14:01:04 · answer #5 · answered by Gray 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
It was nice and that's coming from a poet myself
2006-10-23 14:01:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
It is lovely Debra.
Very uplifting.
(You be quiet, Donut, or I'll submit the one I wrote about my cats!)
2006-10-23 13:58:04 · answer #7 · answered by Chickyn in a Handbasket 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋
you have a wonderful gift--thank you for sharing that with us--I think everybody feels like that sometimes
2006-10-23 13:59:15 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
I love it. I very rarely say that. I think it is excellent.
2006-10-23 13:56:59 · answer #9 · answered by the Boss 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
I like it! It should be put to music, though.
2006-10-23 13:57:09 · answer #10 · answered by Iamnotarobot (former believer) 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋