A question for military spouses?

Question

If your spouse is in the military, what do you do when they are NOT deployed, but they are working non-stop and you never see them?

My husband works nights and I work days. When he does work daycrew, he usually gets called in for a couple of hours at night. We can almost never have a meal together and it seems like sheer luck if we can sleep at the same time.

I just started working two days ago. I love having a job instead of sitting around the house cleaning all day. I am not going to quit because when my husband is deployed, I want to have something to do. Plus, I have a bachelor's degree and I am going to use it.

I feel so angry at his work and sometimes at him (even though I know he can't help it) because I just want to have a nice dinner with him.

So, what do you do? How do you keep your sanity?

Answer 1

I remember those days..When my husband was in the military we had kids and I had to work to make extra, since you know military doesnt pay much. :)

I remember when I would feel mad about not spending the time with him. Phone calls and love letters..that is how we coped with being apart. He was on base most of the time or TDY He worked at night. I worked during the day. He would leave me a letter before work..I would leave him one before I left for work.

Phone calls were fun..he would have his meal on base and call me while I was munching on some food. Then...when we did get together it was so much more...

Then maybe the once a month or so that we had a night together we made sure it was a dinner movie and other stuff ;)

Try the letters they do work and meal phone calls :)

Answer 2

Um, I can't really relate... my husband has been gone ever since he's been in!!! Anyhow, over the last few years, we just try really hard to make the time we get to spend together really special. That doesn't mean it's all candles and romance, but just togetherness, doing whatever it is you two enjoy doing as a couple... For us, just sitting on the sofa together reading is nice. Maybe you could have a dinner cooked for the two of you when you got home, (crockpot?!) or a night you don't work, have it ready when he gets home... Is there any way you can bring a meal to him while he is at work? I'm a Marine wife too, and like I said, it's just making the time you do get count... It is hard, being a Marine wife is "the toughest job in the Corps.", but you doing your own thing is a great way of keeping your sanity as well! Good luck!!!

Answer 3

My hubby is a Drill Sergeant in the Army. He works about 20 hours a day. It depends what stage of training they're at, but that's average. Everytime we get frustrated because we don't have time together, we just say "at least you're in the states". That's all it takes for the frustration to go away. He's already deployed 3 times, had 2 unaccompanied tours and spent more time in the field than we can count. We're just happy and thankful for the time we do have. At least I feel him crawl in bed at night and know his alarm goes off at o'dark thirty.

I volunteer at our daughters school. I'm active in the FRG. I have hobbies. I pretty much do all the things I always do. We learned a long time ago not to change our lives by deployments or duty stations or any of that. Whether he's here or not, we have a routine and what we consider a normal life. I still have girl's days out and have lunch with friends and stay in contact with my family.

I can understand your "anger". Sometimes, it's so hard. Don't ever show him your frustration though. It'll just add stress to what he already feels. We generally try to laugh about it and move on. You really can do it. We've been in 18 years so far and are stronger than ever. Just remember, there's always worse.

Good luck!!

Answer 4

Well if he's not deployed I'm sure he gets some down time once in a while, make the most of that time, no matter how limited. The life of a military spouse is NOT for the faint at heart, be prepared for much time apart, and cherish what little time you have together. We've been at in 11 years and have 9+ to go depending on promotions etc... Mine is currently a Drill Sergeant, he leaves before I wake and is often home after we are in bed, I'm just thankful he's NOT in Iraq again... keep busy, make a life for yourself and enjoy the time you do have together...

Answer 5

Well, you're doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy. Sitting around the house will make you go nuts.

It is not easy having such mixed up schedules, but you have to make the best of it. I recommend trying to schedule time for you two to have together (easier said than done). If you/him could, wake up a little early just to sit and have coffee or breakfast together. For my DH and I this gives us just a bit of time to feel "together", even if it's only an extra half an hour.

Also make the most of your weekends. Plan a "date" at least once a month. We don't have a bunch of money to blow, but sometimes it might just be ordering a pizza and watching a movie. We don't spend every waking second together because then he misses out on his own interests, as do I, but do find moments to make your own.

I feel for you...I really do. We're newly enlisted (1 year in), married (1.5 years) and pregnant, so I'm very thankful he hasn't deployed yet...although I know it's going to come really soon. Hang in there, you'll do great.

Answer 6

I was a military wife for almost 20 years. It is almost as tough on the spouses as it is the military person. When you marry a military person you become military. It is so rewarding and so very frustrating. You have the answer-you have a job. You need your own interests to occupy yourself. The only thing I can tell you from experience is enjoy the time you have together and try not to make a big deal out of the time you spend apart. The complaining will lead to resentment and bitterness. Make your together time special and something to look forward to. In the long run-it is the good quality time you will remember fondly. Bottom line---find your own life outside of his and make sure that the life you find doesn't take you away from his...

Answer 7

Although we haven't been in the military for quite some time -- I feel for you -- we did it for four years. It is a very difficult time, but it is actually not just military where that happens. That happens in civilian life too -- Anyway, your husband has it a little worse then a civilian, because you are right, he doesn't have a choice. My husband used to pick me up after I got done work -- because we had the opposite problems, he worked days and I worked nights -- or he would meet me for dinner because he was done work... Try surprising him with a picnic lunch/dinner. You said he works nights -- well, you don't work nights -- go on base and have dinner with him -- or have him meet you for lunch... Don't give up -- keep trying and things will work out in the end... Marriage is a job too... snuggle when you can....Good luck!

Answer 8

You Keep Your Sanity by Appreciating what time you do have/get together, The moments you are apart we tend to dwell on wishing they were with us, So once you do have him to yourself, Take advantage of that time even if it's 20min. LIFE is not Promise to us, One day you are here next gone, SO When you see him/talk with him, Try to SAY things that BUILD HIM UP, Make sure he knows that YOU LOVE HIM, And that is that, I do like the fact that you are staying busy focusing on what you want/need to do, THIS LIFE is the life of a Military Spouse, Now one day hopefully soon he will be done with spending his time towards the military. AND hopefully you will have him all to yourself. I say Hopefully because so much can occur while person's are apart, My Ex and I are no longer together, When he went into the Navy I thought to myself this is so Unfair out of 4 years being apart he not able to come home I only saw him maybe 2 times out of 4 years, BUT I stayed faithful but he did not in time due to all the CRAP that occurred while apart I soon learned that once he got out for good, I did not LOVE him anymore, So I moved on. So Be thankful that you have him as long as he/you are faithful to each other always express that LOVE, So that once he is done w/the Military the Two of you can Enjoy Each other. Take Care, Your Once A Spouse of a Military Spouse.

Answer 9

I can't really say anything, but you got alot of positive answers. Between deployment and no time when they are home, it's really hard. You just have to remember he suffers as much as you do. Just little "I love you" notes and calls. Have a romantic dinner or a night out when you do get time together.

Note: To the guy that wrote to cheat. That is never an answer and is the reason most military marriages fails. The answer is to appreciate each other and the time you have together.

Answer 10

Im a Military spouse for over 3 years now. It's hard when you don't see much of each other due to work, and training, But, when we have time, we do much as possible. It's very hard, but you learn to cope with it. I have already been through three deployments. My husband is gone again, in Iraq, I'm just trying to pass the time, as the days go on.=)

I know what your going through, it was the sameway with my husband when he was home. He came home late from work, then after dinner, straight to bed, and we hardly even saw each other much, but, we made sure when he had time on the weekends, to plan something family oreniented, to spend the most time together as possible.