questions about discipline?

Question

I have a just turned one year old and he listens very well to me when I tell him he can't touch something or have/play with an object. The problem I have is he will stop touching/trying to play with whatever, but he makes this awful growling noise and throws whatever he has close by on the floor or hits the floor with his hands to show he's upset. This is very irritating to me and I'm wondering if this behavior is something I should ignore or let him be in trouble again for one, getting into something he shouldn't and then throwing a little fit about it. I'm a stay at home mom and I have all the time in the world to devote to him. I've tried holding his arms and saying in afirm voice that what he did is not "not nice". This seems to make him cry a lot, and I end up trying to console him and I think that he looses site of what the whole problem was. Anyway, whatever I try, he just keeps on throwing theses little fits...any ideas on better options?

Answer 1

just ignore him..its normal behavior...I actually used to laugh at my son and eventually he would laugh to and I would tell him how silly he was and it took the edge of his tantrum

Answer 2

Ignoring him is a great idea except....what if you turn your back for one second (they can be very quick) and he picks up something that you absolutely cherish, passed down to you by your grandmother? Worse yet, what if he picks up something that is harmful to him such as a bottle of liquid cleanser that sprays all over him when it hits the floor? He has passed over the threshold and is no longer displaying assertive behavior, he has become aggressive. Children at this age do not have the ability to communicate like adults nor do they have the ability to sit on the "naughty" chair. I would give him a time out in his crib. This will immediately remove him from the situation and will remove him from you so that you can resist the urge to console him. If you are consistent he will quickly learn that his behavior won't be tolerated. I don't know what his verbal skills are but I would definitely start telling him - "it is naughty to throw things and if you throw things you go to your crib for x amount of minutes." One year olds are hard because their vocabulary's are so limited - they learn more by actions.

Answer 3

Let him cry and for goodness sake don't console him over it. You will only make it worse because he knows if you make him cry a lot he will get held and comforted more. Let him have his fits. But if he has one of these tantrums in public, whether you are in the grocery store, restaurant or dept. store take him and leave the cart and go to the car and tell him he can't go shopping unless he listens and behaves.
I think every mother goes through some of this faze and learn sometimes the hard way. I know exactly what you are going through. My son is now 18.

Good luck and we all know you are good mom.

Answer 4

When he throws the fits, don't give him any attention. If you console him after he get upset when you have disciplined him, he will continue to do this as in the end he gets a cuddle. He will only look at the end result. Also during the whole process he is getting your attention and to a one year old any attention is good even if that attention is negative. I think the best thing to do is to try to not give attention to his negative behaviour and really try to praise the good behaviour. This should make him want to behave well.

Answer 5

What you son is doing is perfectly appropriate for his age. He needs to learn there are boundaries - you will be doing best by being consistant in your instructions to him. He shouldn't be left wondering if something is okay.

Beating his hands or a toy on the floor is an acceptable expression of anger and frustration. He can't speak - he can't tell you how much he wants it - imagine how phenominally frustrated you get when you *can* talk to people and they still don't get it? It's maginified even more for your child.

I recommend saying something to the effect: "I understand you're upset that you can't have the toy/touch the hot stove/etc." and simply leave it at that. You let you child know that his emotions are okay, that they are understood by you, and that there's no other message coming across that you'll change the rule.

If he starts hitting other children/animals, or beating his head on the floor - then a different course of action needs to be taken. In this case, he should be physically restrained from destructive behavior. But the message should be the same "I understand you're upset" with the add-on "you aren't allowed to hurt yourself/others when you're upset."

This is not coddling your child; this is not kissing-his-***; this is not going to ruin your child. Quite the reverse, you child will have the opportunity to learn

-- his emotions are acceptable, even if unpleasant; you won't stop loving him or caring for him if he gets angry
-- his actions do not need to follow his emtions; being angry doesn't mean you need to hit others; being frustrated doesn't mean you need to pitch a fit
-- he can be emotional without needing to lash out because of it
-- he can trust you to care for his physical and emotional needs without retaliation.

One of the best guidelines I ever got about giving instructions was regarding workplace safety - and is perhaps even more applicable with children. Never put directions in the negative (e.g. "don't spill", "don't hit", "don't ....") What does the person hear? The verb that you don't want them to do? Then there is no reinforcement ofthe action you do want. In stead of "don't hit the cat" - say "be gentle with the cat". Draw attention to the desired behavior.

Avoid ambiguous terms, like "nice", "good", "bad". Sorry, but all 3 are without concrete meaning. What is good to me is not good to you. What I consider nice, you might consider pedantic and demeaning. What does it mean "be nice to the cat"? Try: Be gentle w/ the cat; pet the cat softly; leave the cat alone; let the cat go.
In stead of "bad" - try rude, inconsiderate, unacceptable, inappropriate, mean, etc. Unacceptable is a good choice, because it simply relates your family's rules, and is not dependant upon other families' rules. Using good/bad can often be translated into right/wrong. Two year olds aren't keen on situational ethics. Yes, there are some clear-cut right/wrong rules in our house; they are very few and very clear. E.g. running into traffic is wrong; hitting people is wrong.

With the right vs. wrong, be wary of saying "hitting people is wrong" if you plan to spank your kid. Your words won't be saying what your actions do.

If he shouldn't do something - just say "you aren't allowed to do that", "you shouldn't do that". Leave the "not nice" out of it. There's a rule, you follow it. When he's older, you can get into the deatils of why something is or isn't allowed.

Physical retaliation ("swotting", spanking, etc.) is unnecessary in most situations. I think the only reason I have used it was to emphasize that running out into a parking lot or street was completely unacceptable. In this case, an immediate emphasis was needed. I couldn't very well give him a time out in the middle of a parking area.

Comfort your child as much as possible. If he's upset, let him know that you care. He may not want you to hold him, and that might feel like rejection to you; but even if you just kneel next to him and speak to him kindly to let him know you care, it will matter a great deal to his emotional development into a caring, sympathetic man and father.

Consider you actions - would you want to see your son doing them to his own children? If the answer is not, you should avoid doing it to him, because you are the primary person he will learn from.

Answer 6

Try to look at this a different way - be excited that he knows his feelings, is in touch with them, and isn't so compliant, such a doormat, that he gives up without a whimper.

You can avoid a lot of it by distracting him, rather than telling him no. In this way, you can avoid the situation all together.

Your instinct to ignore may be right, but it would also be good to teach him what you want him to do rather than label what he's doing as 'not nice.' What meaning is he supposed to make of that? he obeyed you and feels sad and now you're telling him he's not nice!. Can you see the problem you're inadvertently creating?

I'd recommend, for those times you can't simply distract him, is to say - wow, it's hard to stop doing that when you're having fun. or wow, that makes you so angry.

don't label his feelings 'not nice.' that's what happens to men - they end up allowed to have zero emotional range.

if you were stopped from doing something you really wanted to do, and you stopped, do you think you should be punished for being disappointed? how did you learn how to handle disappointment? he is one. teach him how to handle disappointment, don't punish him for being disappointed.

The book - how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - is wonderful. It taught me how to guide my children to self-discipline while remaining in control of our home and their development.

Answer 7

definately don't console him after words. I know this is so hard. I have a 2 year old and we go thru similar situations and I have been guilty of doing the same thing as you. I'd say try to ignore his little fit, he's just showing that he's frustrated that he can't have what he wants and that's the only way he knows how. Sometimes us mothers have to learn to be strong when it comes to our crying little ones (me included! haha)

Answer 8

I recommend a brief time-out for that. Although telling him it's not nice is good too.

He needs to learn that behavior is unacceptable, although the punishment needn't be dire. He's a little person, and people can't act like that. He must learn to cope with disappointment.

And for pete's sake don't make up to him after a mild verbal reprimand like that! He'll keep doing it because he knows he can get this from you. Small children can be ingeniously devious and they will find every way in the world they can play you. Don't let them! It only gets worse from here!

Answer 9

Ignore it. He is displaying his frustration in an age appropriate manner. He is incapable of understanding yet 'why' he can't have something. If you were being told NO constantly, without understanding why, I'm sure you'd be a bit upset too.

Answer 10

You could try the time out chair in the corner or pop his hand or just ignore him and see .But which ever way you choose don't "baby" him after you discipline him it will only confuse him and make him think that it was ok

Answer 11

Each time you make him feel better after discipline, you send him a signal that it's ok to act the way you don't want him to.
Like Pavlov's dog, he'll act up to get the babying attention.