Any funny jokes?

Question

I really want to laugh!I also want to laugh at the people who says look in the mirror because around the other side of the computer I am a beautiful,smart girl.You dont even know me.Do a joke u would think I never heard of and you thought was funny!~Chyna D

Answer 1

2 guys are waiting in an alley for hitler. they have guns, bombs, and knives. they r ready to kill him. he is supposed to b there at 12:45, 1:00 doesnt show up, 1:15 doesnt show up. these guys that r supposed to kill him, 1 turns to the other and says "i 'ope 'e iz alrite"

Answer 2

THEY ARE LONG BUT SOOOOO SOOOOO WORTH IT!! PLEASE READ SOO FUNNY!

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"


Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.


One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."''OOhh'' said the little girl.The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

Answer 3

kinda stupid but kinda funny and really corny.

Q: Why was the tomato blushing?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing

Q: What do you get when you cross a brook with a creek?
A: Wet FEet

Q: What happens when you throw a green rock in the red sea?
A: It gets wet

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station on the other side.

Answer 4

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Answer 5

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 6

Many,many.......
BLONDE'S ROAD RAGE!
A blonde is out driving when she bumps into a truck.He motions her over,and draws a circle out of chalk around her.He tells her to stand inside of it,and goes to slash out her tires.The blonde giggles.Angry,he smashes the glass out of the windows.The blonde laughs even harder.InFuRiAtEd,the guy keys her car.The blond doubled over laughing.He asks her what is so funny,she replies "When you weren't looking,I stepped out of the circle THREE times!
~~~THINGS TO SAY TO A SALESMAN~~
If a salesman calls,say:
*Do you believe in antelopes?
*What happens if you put a frog in a blender-later tell them they are wrong.
*In the background,say "Oh no Phil,I told you that knife was too sharp!


See my other answers to a similar question for more!

Answer 7

what do you call a dog with no hind legs and a tin can on his nuts SPARKY

Answer 8

a man walks into a bar.....he says "ouch!"

Answer 9

hear about the roman soldier?/ [answer] he was gladiator!!.