She used to always love to go. She would even cry when we picked her up. Now I am pregnant again and she will not go. They want me to make her come. But I don't want her to feel abandoned. I also feel they might have said something to her about the baby coming that made her insecure.My mother-in-law has no children(she is stepmom to my husband) & she is always saying things like give her to me or let her live with us. She tries to tell me she will be spoiled & bad if I don't make her go. They also tend to try & keep her longer than I say she can stay by going through my husband.Last time she went she told me that she wanted me but they wouldn't bring her home. I am really confused at what to do. I don't want to start a family problem, but I also know this is stressing out my little one & I am worried if I do the wrong thing I could hurt the bond I have with my child. I am the mother of 4 girls & one on the way & I have never had a problem like this.
2006-10-23 11:00:37 · 37 answers · asked by yttik 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
My other girls are by a previous marriage.
2006-10-23 11:29:53 · update #1
No.
2006-10-23 11:08:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There appears to be two separate problems here.
In your email you say that your mother in law says things like let her live with us. I am just wondering whose need this is, your child or your mother in laws? What I pick up is, that your mother in law perhaps has a regret that she doesn't have children of her own and has so much love to give.
Your child certainly won't be bad or spoilt if she doesn't visit her.
Your child might be feeling frightened, not at the fact that she fears them but by trying to keep a child longer than arranged can feel very threatening. Children need secure boundaries, so of you make a time for her to return, that is the time she returns.
A little three year old loves everybody who is kind to them and the trick to to not push anything that they or you feel uncomfortable with. Allow short visits but you stay with your daughter so that she will gradually build back her confidence.
I'm sure that your mother in law loves your daughter and would not do anything intentionally to worry her.
A three year old can suddenly feel insecure for no real reason. All the talk of a new baby might make her feel worried especially if she has overheard an adult conversation.
Lots of love, cuddles and especially inclusion into everything you do regarding the new baby. Good luck.
2006-10-23 22:39:42 · answer #2 · answered by cosmic 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't force her to do anything. Play the whole situation down. Explain to your in-laws that she has a problem and there will be no regular visits until you have sorted it out. Their reaction doesn't matter, your daughter is the only one you need to be concerned over.
Don't mention the visits to your daughter for several days then begin to casually reintroduce the idea of a visit. Ask her in a very laid back way whether she fancies going to see them one day soon, if she says no just say ok and try again a week later.
You could also pretend to be shocked when you count up the number of days since you last visited and ask her if she wants to write them a letter asking how they are. You could do this together and she could put some drawings/paintings into the envelope. If they have any sense they will reply in a very lighthearted way and hopefully win her back.
I hope all goes well for you, please don't worry and don't attach too much importance to this.
Take care of yourself.
2006-10-23 11:16:48 · answer #3 · answered by carnival queen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Check into abuse....?
Sorry, that's probably very, very unlikely but it's a common reason for kids to not want to see particular people.
You could try playing a game with her, acting out what happens when she sees her grandparents using toys, puppets and/or dolls (Three-year-olds, no matter how smart they are, simply can't articulate as well as older people).
Or try communicating with her through pictures.
I think it's wrong that your mother-in-law's trying to make you hand over your daughter like she is. Does she ever see any of the other?
If not, then maybe having one other kid spend a day or two round hers at a time, as well as your youngest might make her feel less lonely(It sounds like she could potentially be jealous of you because she doesn't have a child and you do).
Sorry if any of this has been unhelpful/caused you stress.
All the best xoxoxo
2006-10-23 11:16:24 · answer #4 · answered by swelwynemma 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should make her go. Make it clear that she can go and stay whenever she wants to and that her Grandparents love her very much but don't force her to go. It sounds as if she is scared that if she doesn't like it that they won't bring her home (as you said). This is not good. If she is unhappy then they should acknowledge it, find out why she is unhappy and if they cannot make it better for her then they should bring her home.
If she knows she can come home at any time and is secure in that knowledge then she is more likely to stay with her Grandparents - if however she doesn't have that security then it will be frightening for her. Security in a childs world is of the utmost importance. Show your daughter that her feelings are important to you and that you, and her Grandparents, will listen if she doesn't feel things are right. However inconsequential it might seem to the Grandparents - it's important to her and so that is what you should go with.
Good luck .
2006-10-23 11:13:16 · answer #5 · answered by Nicola L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whatever she is telling you should be listened to and discussed with her. It may be that she is feeling insecure about the new baby not because anything has been put in her head necessarily, but because she knows what is coming. My mum and dad got around the problem with my younger brother coming along by telling me how I could help them with him and when he was born I used to call him my baby. It maybe something else you can work on with your daughter but don't feel like you should be doing anything for anyone else, it's all about baby, daughter and you. You don't need the additional stress of this. If you're still stuck why don't you ask the grandparents round to your place until you and your daughter feel more comfy with things?
2006-10-27 10:00:47 · answer #6 · answered by fuzzierfelt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there definately is something not quite right here ........ i am a mummy of two ......so i know that when there is a new one on the way there are procousions to be taken so the other siblings do not feel pushed out or frightened ... you need to sid down with the rest of the family and have a big talk with them dont be affraid of your inlaws as they are your children at the end of day so they need to back of ...... they need to understand that your little girl can not be forced into going when she does not want to she obviously has something on her little mind that is bothering her and the best person to help her come over that is mummy .........what i did with my little boy was involve him in everything from coming to midwife to scans and baby shopping , let her buy the new baby something special just from her like a teddy ...... if things dont seem to be helping there could be other reasons why she does not want to go it might just be coinsidence that all this is happening too ........ just be calm dont be angry with her if she is the youngest she might fear she wont get any more mummy time . be strong take control dont let anyone tell you what to do with your own children at the end of the day you know whats best !!!!!!!!
2006-10-23 11:32:21 · answer #7 · answered by DEE 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should make her go, BUT I do think you should look more into why she doesn't want to. Something is going on and it could be a number of different things.
I know it's hard to get a straight answer out of a 3-year-old, but try asking her why she doesn't want to go. Also, casually ask what she does with her grandparents while she visits. Basically, try to get answers without alarming her or stressing her out even more.
Do what you need to in order to get answers. After all, you can't fix the problem until you know what the problem is.
2006-10-23 11:40:23 · answer #8 · answered by mommyofmegaboo 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your 3 year old daughter is the only daughter to your current husband and only granddaughter to his parents. I suggest that you speak with your 3 year old first and speak to her not as a adult but try as a peer. Discuss a "similar" feeling you had and ask key questions afterwards. A lot of times kids will open up when provided with similar scenerios that otherwise be difficult for them to articulate the issue at hand . (Ex. I used to feel this way when... and because...)Then speak with your husband and inform him on how she feels when asked to visit her grandparents. Emphasize on how your daughter feels and not so much on his parents comments and or demands. Firmly express your concern and emotional well being of your daughter. Offer your inlaws the opportunity to visit her at your house. If this does not work take a stronger approach and speak to both grandparents and let them know that in your household, your husband and yourself establish the rules. (this works after ascertaining "status" with your partner. Remember - your inlaws may be wonderful, however, your immediately family takes priority. Intelligence and diplomacy are usually the keys to avoiding these types of issues and remember young children do not hold an ample vocabulary or knowledge to always answer straight forward questions that an adult sees as simple.
2006-10-23 11:33:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put your daughters wishes first so what if she is spoilt childhood only lasts a wee while. Tell your inlaws that for the time being they must come to see her at your house and stay with them so you can correct any remarks. Give your little one plenty of love and be guided by your own feelings after all you must have done something right with your others never having a problem.
2006-10-23 11:15:25 · answer #10 · answered by Freakyfran 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your child is your first priority so dont force her to go to her grandparetns houe bur reassure her that no matter waht u will always love her even when the new baby arrives, and get her to help choose some babygros or something like that, maybe somethings happened at her grandparents house that makes her not want to go, they are trying to overrule u and since ur mother in law has no kids how would she know what will make ur child spoilt and bad u r the childs mother and u know whats best for her if they want to see the child let it be onur terms and let them come to u and ask ur little girl if anything is worrying her about going to her grandparents because it sounds to me as tho something has seriously put her off going there
2006-10-23 11:24:49 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋