Teens don't like parents who 'nag'- they want to be independent. Fine, but when your 16 yr old still NEEDS help with remembering basic stuff (hygine, school work, getting ready for a trip, getting organized ect), what do you do ?!?
I dont want to be co-dependent, with another person's problems, and when he turns 18 , fine I will back off. But my kid is NOT on meds -I have only used behaviour management all theses years. Now he has reached a new milestone, now has a girlfriend, and thinks hes an adult.
He's really starting to 'power struggle' with me and resist more than ever. NO matter how 'nice' or 'neutral' or 'authoritative' or 'diplomatic' or 'agressive' or 'indirectly' or 'helpfully' or 'casualy' or, I approach it, he snaps at me.
I am simply, calmly (most of the time) trying apply the 'extra-hard-work' parenting I have been doing all these years...and he resists.
Until hes 18 I am responsible to see he baths, goes to school, has clothing, a coat, ect
2006-10-23 10:34:46 · 8 answers · asked by paradox is interesting 2 in Health ➔ Mental Health
and it is not as simple as 'backing off' ...if I do nothing, he dosn't do homework, go to school at all, looses his clothing and stinks.
Hes just not 'there yet' with having enough independent living skills...although it is getting a bit better.
I dont want to fight with him.
2006-10-23 10:38:59 · update #1
Umm.. I wouldn't worry about it, Teens are always like that but try being stricter, dont restrict him but although it sound unfair maybe try grounding him, make the punishments harder so he takes you more seriously, but also let him have input on things, give him more power and he'll listen to you more, and don't make him call you when he's out on dates, that'll just embarras him!
2006-10-23 10:38:58 · answer #1 · answered by Dillon 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I can give you my opinion. My parents tried to control everything I did and made schoolwork a torture. Until I was ready to do the work, nothing they tried worked. In the end nothing they tried on me did work. I did well in school because I wanted to do the work.
The other thing that I know is that there are consequences for my actions. When people try to protect me from them, then I learn nothing. I too am ADHD and have had to learn different methods to deal with my issues. Further, I have also found from being ADHD and having worked with many children that drugs are not always inappropriate nor are they a fix-all no matter what people want to believe. While I am not on ADHD drugs, I have seen cases where they are appropriate for the person in question and help quite a bit. A good family practioner and a good psychiatrist can help make that decision. My doctor really helped me by focusing the questions I needed to ask and based on my answers the course of action that worked for me.
I hope this helps.
2006-10-23 17:47:06 · answer #2 · answered by geohauss 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations! Sounds like a normal kid, ADHD or not. A teen trying to be an adult in a kid's body.
As a parent you are responsible but that would be homework and attending school.
Remember those reinforcements skills you learned years ago. Reinforce him for those items you have to control like school and homework. What did you use before that was successful? Does he get an allowance?
Don't get caught up in the power struggle. Leave his room a mess. Who cares if his room is a mess. Just make sure he has clean clothes unless you expect him to wash them. Well, you could tell him that you are not entering his room to get the dirty clothes so if they are not in the hamper in the bathroom or in the laundry room, you won't be doing them.
If he does not shower, I bet his girlfriend, teachers and other students will let him know about his body odor. If he does not wear a coat, he will be cold but I doubt he will do it more than once and doubt he will get sick from the cold.
You may want to try a contract with him. You will let him make decisions that don't affect his educational needs, his health (medical treatment), finances (beyond his allowance). But in return he has to (you name it). Remember start with a weekly contract.
I know with a child diagnosed pf ADHD who you have helped for years to want you to let go. But if he were the average teenager, I bet you would get the exact same reaction. Teens think they are adults and they sure struggle to become one. At this point in life most parents have imparted as much wisdom and morals as they can, and have to carefully sit back and watch, ready to catch and support if the child needs help.
Good luck!
2006-10-23 17:58:05 · answer #3 · answered by banananose_89117 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
These situation can be very confusing, aggravating and enervating...Youre best defense is to simply dominate the situation. Make him understand that you have the knowledge he thinks he has. Tell him the truth and you can never be wrong..Don't confuse the fact that he has the right to learn from his own mistakes. Life is chaotic and unfathomable, remember..If he really wants to grow, then let him grow..your son might be very independent on the inside..if he wants to become independent, show him how to pay mortgages on the house..Show him how to ballance a check book...financially educate him...teach him how to invest...If he wants to be an adult, then at least allow him to see the life of one...don't underestimate your son..B/c if he takes after you at all, he will definitely partake in hard work just like you are doing to diffuse your "dilemna." Kids are smarter now, therefore, formal or traditional measures of parenting are pretty much out-of-date and stale..assist his desire to become an individual of independence...If he is not ready for it, he will definitely comes to terms with the harshness of reality which was your goal all along....Be creative, Be different, Be unexpected!
2006-10-23 18:13:11 · answer #4 · answered by Adeist 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
We have 2 teens one with ADD the other with ADHD. We use atomoxetine for the one with ADD and Focalin for the one with ADHD. School work was a battle until we started meds. Now they are motivated and focused enough to work on stuff without problems (for the most part)..
unfortunately using behavioral conditioning is like doing the same with diahrrea. While it may work in the short term the outcome is poor.
Focus as you know is the biggest problem with our kids, even with meds. and the wanting us to butt out is the Normal part of parent a teen. We have to remember which is which.
Our son is terrible about passing along his schedule. This is a kid that is good at focusing on things he loves.. He can tell you line and verse to the musical but ask him about his math grade and he blows a gasket. We inform him if he wants to go to a good college for music he has to get good grades in subjects or face the prospect of the local university and staying with mom and dad while in college.
Google Love and Logic parenting . It helped us as well. Logical Consequent parenting. These guys know their stuff. We'll worth a $99 seminar if you can catch Jim Fay or Charles Fay in your area.
2006-10-23 17:50:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
OMG! I am goign thru the exact same thing with my 14 yr old with ADHD, no meds, try our hardest to use behavioral techniques and I am so tired of having to remind her of the same things, she thinks that she should be given more freedom, but at 14 when she can't even rememebr to look before crossing a street it's so frustrating, I don't have any advcie for you except to tell you you are not alone out there dealing with this, all the best!
2006-10-23 17:45:56 · answer #6 · answered by JoAnne H 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Check out:
"BEING IN CONTROL:Natural Techniques For Increasing Your Potential And Creativity For Success In School."
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9659025114/
"Being In Control : Natural Solutions For ADHD Dyslexia and Test Anxiety'.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9659025130/
2006-10-25 21:01:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i always thought you had children for life????? your ADHD teen more than likely is still immature for the age because of it ...but is still a teen .. i cant see being co dependent as being the right word for assisting a ADHD teen with a schedule to follow ... maybe teen does need MEDS see a Dr ..... ADHD teen is a teen and qualifies for wanting and having a girlfriend as any other "normal" teen ..... perhaps your flapping your jaws and nagging is the reason teen snaps at you all the time.. you are not listening...listen. maybe you are to suffocating and overprotective..... chill and if you think its all over and you quit your "JOB" as a parent at 18 its really not but up to you...sounds like you have alot of problems in yourself you are not dealing with and alot of resentment.
2006-10-23 18:25:12 · answer #8 · answered by squawwitoutamule 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋