I'm involved with someone who is in denial about their children's faults (lying,rudeness to me and my children, lazy, and manipulative). He always has an excuse or just a laid back attitude of 'oh well...kids will be kids....', or 'I KNOW my kids would not do that'. However this person is quick to judge and point out my kids fault. I KNOW my kids aren't perfect....They are good kids, but they do have faults and i see them and try to correct them. How do i make him see that he is only creating kids that going to grow to be for example pregnant at an early age, or fall into the wrong crowd. I care about these kids VERY much and don't want to see them end up like that.
2006-10-23 08:53:45 · 9 answers · asked by computergrl69 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
This is a VERY good time for you to wonder why he isn't with his kid's mom. Chances are, this won't work out with you either.......no matter how badly you want it to work out.
2006-10-23 09:01:56 · answer #1 · answered by Manny 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First things first... you can't MAKE him see anything. The first 6 months of my marriage were spent trying to make my DH see the mistakes he was making (not that I ever thought I was perfect - in fact, I wish he would have given me the input I was giving him!) Instead, my constant harassment of how late he put his kids to bed, the fact that he let his son (who is hyperglycemic) eat Froot Loops 3 times a day, never putting his kids into sports or activities... all things I know are not the best. I too love his kids. Unfortunately, all that happened was a ton of resentment. I even tried backing off, and emailing stories or articles that reflected some of the things I was noting. All that ensued were LOTS and LOTS of fights.
My final reaction is to start every conversation with "I've noticed that XXXX has been eating a lot of sugar lately. Do you want to talk about it?" And sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't.
If your SO's children are rude to the point of intimidation - deal with it yourself! If he doesn't like you disciplining his children, then tell him you'd like him to deal with it, or else you will. If he refuses to see it, then run... RUN FAST. It will NEVER ever get better.
If, when you are taking a look at it from a safe distance, you think you might be overreacting, or their behaviours are just a pain in the butt... then leave it be. Raise your children in the way you would be proud - and just LOVE his kids. Set the example, and hope for the best.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
2006-10-23 16:02:28 · answer #2 · answered by jax15girl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been divorced for 21 years. I was married for 10, then dated for 5 and realized that 80% of second marriages failed due to the children. I just think folks need to be aware of this statistic. You are really facing uphill issues on second marriages. There is a fantastic book called "Crazy Times". I don't know if you can still locate it. It is a novel, but my counselor , early after my divorce had me read it and it was eye opening. In a 2nd marriage , instead of the first allegiance being to the spouse, it is to the children of the first marriage,so the spouse appears to come 2nd. That's why I didn't remarry, my children had to come first. I am a recently retired elem. teacher. and know much about children and from my own experience. Divorce is much like hell for kids. They are doing a follow up study of the past 25 YEARS and have found that kids of divorce are greatly and seriously affected by it and I,myself, didn't realize how hard it is for them. I just hope this helps. You know what is best for you
2006-10-24 01:13:34 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kids learned from watching us. Make sure that you show them love no matter what happens. If you intend to marry this person, you'll be equally responsible for their growing up and becoming well balance emotionally , and healthy, productive human beings. If you show them you love them and care for them, they will see their own value as human beings. Don't forget that they have already experience abandonment and rejection in some way, they are looking at you to see if you're going to do the same.
Maybe some pre-marital therapy should also be consider, then you'll have a third party helping you mate and yourself communicate in a healthy and nurturing manner that produces results without the friction and criticism.
Good luck! I wish you and the kids the best!
2006-10-23 16:03:27 · answer #4 · answered by Lourdes S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's normally problems like these when 2 families blend. Firstly, you must understand that the dad would not want to be seen as siding with you and turning his back on his kids who are already not having a mother in that family. Fathers would try and be protective at least until they trust that your intentions are only good. Otherwise it's not an easy situation and you need to sit down as adults and discuss the way you prefer blending these families.
2006-10-23 15:59:44 · answer #5 · answered by Sofia 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ooooooh, that's a hard one. The most important thing is that you and your husband get on the same page and be on the same team. It is very important that you two agree about how to raise the kids and never let them see you fight or argue about issues concerning them. Don't sweat the small stuff but stand firm on the important stuff (respecting authority, doing chores, etc.).
I feel for you. Blended family homes are difficult to manage but if both of you put forth the effort it can be done with success.
2006-10-23 16:30:16 · answer #6 · answered by HazelEyes 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's more than one problem. His parenting is at fault, plus he is critical of your kids (and maybe your parenting style.) Plus he's not open to your comments.
If you try to blend these two families, you and your kids will always be in conflict with him and his kids. Plus, you will have to watch as lack of discipline lets his children make mistakes that could have a very bad affect on their lives.
If you want to keep seeing him, then go ahead but don't consider marrying him. But my belief is that you should look for a guy who has more respect for you and your views of raising kids and being a family.
2006-10-23 16:07:27 · answer #7 · answered by MailorderMaven 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't try to blend the family. It will pit you and your kids against him and his kids. And, it will only get worse. You'll be constantly stressed out. It's not worth it.
2006-10-23 22:57:49 · answer #8 · answered by Ceci 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he cared about you and your feelings, he would listen to your concerns. It's even worse that your concerns are about his children and he won't even listen or discuss them with you. I can't imagine being involved with someone like that, sorry.
2006-10-23 15:56:40 · answer #9 · answered by CelebrateMeHome 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋