Some more help with my 16 year old.?

Question

Ok, So Im trying to deal with my daughter and her 11th month old baby, which I love to death. Her boyfriend does not pay for anything and has every excuse under the sun as to why he does not have any money to buy diapers or formual or what ever, So I pay for things. My daughter has started working full time and is now paying for things for the baby. Which I am very proud of her. She has started studying to take her G.E.D. and has been excepted to a local tech school.

My problem now is. How do I stop her from giving him money, She pays for what ever the baby needs or what ever she needs and saves money but is still giving him money and it just drives me nutz. He works but she makes more then he does. She not helping him out with his bills cause he has none, just gas and smokes and stuff. Two. How do I get him to stop being at my house all the time. Hes not a bad guy I just dont like seeing him with his feet on my couch.

I dont want to get him arrested. I may not like him but getting him locked up wouldn't help him or my daughter or the baby. Tho I have threated him with calling the cops on him.

My main problem with him at my house is when I come in in the morning from working his is sleeping in my daughters room. Yes, I know they have a baby and have (are having) sex. but when i say dont stay they night I dont want him to stay the night. Both dont seem to want to listen.

My daughter is 16 and here I am not aloud to kick her out with out getting into trouble. I dont want to put her in foster care which is the only way to make her leave.

I know she has him stay the night mostly cause she is afraid if he leaves he will not come back. I cant talk to her about that. you know how teenagers are..

I think it is more that then wanting to do it to making me mad.

I have even tryed comprising with her. Saying if he is gone when i come in in the morning then I wont be mad.

Most of the time I get "whats the big deal mom. we have a baby together for christ sake"... Or your going to sleep anyway when you come in, you wont even know hes here'. Or my fav. "dont look in my room and you wont know he's here".

I do look in her room. cause Im her mom and wanting to check on her and the baby. and the more I see him the more I keep thinking that he got her pregnent. Yes, I know she was a will person in it. And he is not paying for anything.

I know she loves him and I dont poo poo that.

I just find this SO desrespectful. On both there parts. .

Answer 1

so I was looking for random questions, and I happened upon a question that piqued my attention... So I read it and thought I probably coulda' given a little advise... So I went to the page, and the first on the list is this. So I was all like "huh, didn't I just read this?" It's interesting how everything works... But anyways... And now I get to answer this to the best of my ability... So!

First I have to say you have done a fine job in getting your daughter on the right path. Starting to grow up, and take care of the things she needs to do is something that is hard for most parents... I know cause My parents raised me...

Second I have to agree with you, that it is in no way your job to take care of everything.

Anyways... On to the next subject!

Now, as for the boyfriend. There isn't much you can do in the way of that. I mean, there are things you can do. Like making his life miserable anytime he's around, but that's just you know... childish... (Do that one!) But you can make suggestions about him not being around the house so much. I mean, what does the guy do in the way of the kid? I don't know... Honestly, if you don't want him aroud as much, the best thing you can do is tell him... I mean, it won't be easy, for you the father/boyfriend, or for your daughter, but it's the only thing you can really do. Other than ignoring your problems completely... And you may end up doing a bit more babysitting too... but at the same time, he needs to learn to respect your space.

Maybe he does need a second job. Or even a better paying one. Because there is no excuse for him to be borrowing from you daughter. (Not saying anything you don't know though...) He really needs to step up, or step out, (That's my opinion) But your daughter may not handle that quite as well as you would... I don't know that though... just an assumption on my part.

Anyways.

But because he is the father, you kind of have to give him a little leaway too... at least some to grow into his role... (Even though there is the possibility that he may never grow into being who he really should be. You know? (Of course you do...)) So long as he's in the picture, that's just kinda' the risk you have to take... Anyways...

Finally, the really simple one. If you want him putting his feet on the couch, just tell him to keep his feet off of your couch... And if you see them on the couch, smack him on the back of the head. Or some othe type of negative re-enforcement. that generally works... (You know... the whole monkey in a cage, push the green get a banana, push the red, get a shock...) eventually the monkey learns...

So yeah... I hope that anything I've said has helped you out at least a little. Cause I know sometimes even a little bit can help...
Good luck in your endeavors and I'd love to hear how everything turned out.

Answer 2

Good for her! She made a mistake, but she's standing up to the responsibility of it. Makes us all proud of her!
As far as the boyfriend goes, he's a mooch and will continue to mooch as long as she lets him.
You should suggest that she start saving for the baby's collage education now. Yes, it's way, way early, but now days a lot of people start saving even before the baby is born. No one can say for sure what it's going to cost by the time the baby is old enough for it. It's astronomical now, what will it be in 18 years?
Ask the boyfriend what he's doing to ensure the baby's future. Is he saving money? Is he planning on marrying your daughter and supporting his family, or at least, help support his family? Is he buying anything for the child, like clothes or toys? And why isn't he putting forth an effort to help in these matters?
Make him feel as guilty for being a bum as you can. If it drives him away from your daughter, it's probably best for her and the baby anyway. All he's gonna do is drag her down and make her support them while he sits around on the couch.
As far as him sitting with his feet on my couch, I'd tell him if he didn't want his feet duct taped to his shoulder blades, he'd best keep them on the floor where they belong.
My husband nor my son in law, dare put their feet on my couch. The duct tape is always just two steps away.

Answer 3

I would do a couple of things. Maybe you've done some already, if so, you will have to get tougher about them.
(1) Does he pay child support through the family court and support collections? You, as the person supporting the child, must petition for it immediately.
(2) What does your daughter pay? I find it hard to believe that a 16 year-old could earn any money beyond what she needs to support herself and her baby. She should have a budget where she pays you room, board, a portion of utilities, some money into a clothing fund for herself and baby, and some amount of money into a savings account which is not to be touched. After that she should have $5-15 per week for spending money.

I am a 41 year old single mother and most weeks I don't get that for myself, I could certainly ill-afford to give money to anyone other than my children. She can't afford it either, you just need to make her see how.

See if your local department of social services can recommend a free financial advisor. There may be a pregnant-and-parenting teen program that has people who can help you two with this budgeting so it doesn't ruin your relationship.

Don't dwell on telling her not to give him money, just reduce the amount she has available to do it. If she wants to give him her entire allowance, I'm betting after a week or two of that she'll see what a raw deal it is and stop.

Be firm. Avoid being angry. If you find you're angry, get the book THE RELAXATION RESPONSE and learn how to do it. Unfortunately anger too often comes up in these situations and it's entirely counter-productive. Good luck. Email me if you need more support.

After reading your additional information, I would say (if you're in the US) call your department of social services, "Persons in Need of Supervision" department or the equivalent (in some states it's "Families in Need of Supervision") and talk with a caseworker. Tell them your story and ask what they can do for you. Obviously you are concerned that if you get too tough with her/them she will take the baby and leave, and that would be catastrophic for your grandchild. You want to try to stay calm and negotiate a workable solution for all 3 of you (I'm just imagining) for the sake of your grandchild. You need help and support to negotiate a workable solution for yourself and for the well being of all the children (even the big, fertile ones!). Good luck, you've got a tough road, but just might be able to do it. Buy that book, take good care of yourself. Email if you need someone to email with.

Answer 4

The problem with teens is that as parents we must pick our battles. She's obviously showing you that she is mature enough to have a child, keep the child, work full time to support her child and is also trying her best to get an education. Frankly I find that commendable on your daughter's behalf.

Whether or not you like her choices of guys, you making a fuss is keeping her from seeing the "real him". Meaning, the more a parent complains, the more you push your child into the arms of someone you do not like.

Let her come to her own conclusions about him and about her finances. She'll grow up, sooner or later, and all you can do is be there for her IF and WHEN she needs you. Not beforehand.

Answer 5

You know the old saying, "Love is blind".... Your daughter probably does not see anything wrong with her actions. I would suggest that YOU have a pep-talk with him, a heart to heart. Be sincere, yet stand your ground. Let him know.... Since he is the father of YOUR grandchild, there are a few things you need to discuss. Plan ahead, make it a special time for the two of you to connect and understand one another. Perhaps take him out for a pizza and your time with him will be uninterrupted. Good luck, and spill your guts. It's the only way for him to know how the whole circle of life should work.

Answer 6

let her make her own mistakes- she'll come to realize that he is using her, shes still young so thinks boys can do no harm--if she goes through this now. when she gets older hopefully she will have learned from her mistakes and not let it happen again. nothing you say to her will convince her to stop so you must let it be. good luck and if you raised her well enough she'll be okay and snap out of it--and about him being at the house- who pays the bills you or him?? if you dont want him there then tell him to get out, it's that simple!! so if he stays at your house with his feet on the couch then it's your own fault- "a man will only do what you allow him to" and make sure you let your daughter know that as well

Answer 7

Hi Cathy,
I just read your story and my advise would be to sit down and have a chat with your daughter as she seems to be heading in the right direction in life, from what you were saying, she is studying etc and making her own money.
I would sit down and have a chat with her and tell her that you are going to deliver an ultimatum to this guy as he is just not doing his bit so at least that way you are not exactly kicking him out you are simply giving him the chance to make something of hismself and start acting like a man. Tell your daughter that you love her and make it clear and by loving someone sometimes you need to call it tough love. I suggest that you discuss this with your daughter first and then sit down with both of them and deliver what you need to. As i said by letting this boy get away with what he is you are doing him more harm than good as you are teaching him that its ok to bluge instead of him making something of his life, as i said its called (tough love) my mum had to do it with my sister so i have seen it first hand but in the end its worth it, both me and my sisters love our mother to death and thank her everyday for everything she did.

Answer 8

Your sixteen year old has a one year old baby, lives in your house and gives the father money for smokes while you pay for her, the child and the home. Time to kick them out. You'll have another innocent child to take care of if you continue to provide this environment. She may have to consider giving the baby up. She's not prepared to provide as a mother.

Answer 9

Come right out and say it! Tell him to stop asking her for money! If he can't make ends meet, get a second job! Then he won't have time to be kickin his feet up on your couch! Does he think he's a pimp or what? You should set him straight right now, and don't worry about being nice about it!

Answer 10

The more you keep growling and complaining about the boyfriend the more she wants to do the opposite try to remember when you were 16 the novalty of this boy is you don't like him so she is rebelling, I know it will be hard and there in your house try not to complain for a month and see what happens.

good luck