My biological father's family wants to come back into my life.Should I let them? Is this disloyal to Dad?

Question

I am 27 years old. I came about as the result of an affair my Mom had when my parents were having a rough time (they divorced 2 years later).

My dad has always known, yet he accepted me anyway w/o hesitation.

We have completely different personalities and physical features, so I've known all my life, but I was told at age 13.

My biological father's family, specifically his mother and brother, were in the picture when I was a child, but we stopped speaking around the time I found out.

I have no one I can talk to about this. My mother's family is non-existent (plus we're on bad terms now), and my father's family is so different, I can't relate to them, even though we get along well.

I have a very strong sense of loyalty to my dad, and I feel that connecting with my "hidden family" is a betrayal. Yet, I have a feeling that I'll learn more about who I am and finally find people like me if I do talk to them.

Can I connect to them without betraying my Dad? Should I?

Edit:

To all who answered this question, thank you very much.

The thing is, it's not my biological father reaching out to me, it's his brother and mother.

My memories of bio-dad are few....and each time, our relationship felt awkward and forced.

His family really extended themselves when I was a child, and they are reaching out to me again.

My hidden family is much more cerebral, educated, cultured, and worldly.....far different than my real family.

In this family, my bio-father is a mechanical engineer, my grandmother is a retired nurse, and my uncle is a free-spirited world traveler (he visits Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand on a regular basis, for pleasure, not work).

It really explains a lot, as my real family is nice, but completely unsophisticated, and stresses aggression over intelligence.

I've decided to connect with my alternate family. I'm not exactly sure how I feel toward them, but we'll see in a few weeks.

Once again, thank you all
(I'll mark best answer soon)

Answer 1

You are 27 and can decide for yourself if you want them in your life or not.

Answer 2

I have a daughter whom I adopted out (through circumstance at the time) and we found each other when she was 31.
Even though we connected and get on very well her adopted Mum is still her REAL Mum as she was the one who raised her and took care of her. I love her to bits but I am not her Mum as such and the main reason she wanted to meet me was much the same as you. She needed to know her genetics and what makes her what she is. She is a much happier person now having discovered her genetic heritage.
Your Dad is still your Dad but your Father helped to make you what you are and I think you will understand yourself better when you discover what those things are. I'm sure if you had a talk with your Dad and explained this he will understand. Tell him that he IS your Dad and no one can change that. Good Luck

Answer 3

As long as you know who has been there since day one or around when you were going through things then talk to your father. Understand that he is your father and will not ever replace your dad. It is good for you to get to know the other side of your family. I am sure that there are questions that you would like answered that your dad can't answer. If you explain to your dad that your father has wondered back into your life; he should understand.

Answer 4

Hard thing to go through. I have been there myself. I met my real dad a few years ago, I am 35, it was great at first. I did feel that connection with him and I love him but, I couldnt handle him. He used drugs and has a lot of problems. I felt bad about my step dad, we havent had a real close relationship but, he still feels alot like a dad to me. I didnt talk about it in front of him and so, I didnt feel like I was hurting his feelings that way. We have never talked about it. I have a daughter that will go through the same thing, also. I think you should do what you feel you need to do. You dont have to broadcast it in front of your other father. If you feel you need to know them, then go ahead. I am sure as long as you are happy and they treat you well he will be ok with it. Good luck!

Answer 5

Ur biological dad and u will never have a father daugther relationship but give him an opportunity to show u that he is truely sorry, all he wants u to know is that he cares for u, and that u are a part of him, dont give him ur back. ur father the onen who raise u will always love u no matter what, just explain to him what u and tell him how u feel about ur biological dad, tell him he will always be ur dad no matter what. tell him ur love for him will never change.

Answer 6

well, wanting to know more about yourself through meeting more of your family is a valid side effect of letting them back in; if you do, try to keep it as friends, on a somewhat superficial level, it's hard to play the balancing game, just be natural. your current family might feel betrayed or not understand, but it is your right to deal with things the way you think is best. just reassure them, be diplomatic, and see how it goes. weigh how much you really want to know these other people---is it worth it?

Answer 7

Keep your dad in the loop...and meet your Bio-dad. You can learn alot about yourself by approaching this with the purpose of getting past issues involved. Share with your dad and ask for his support...your bio-dad is person you should know. Your love for him will be different than what you have with your dad. Good luck

Answer 8

The man was basically a sperm donor and has nothing to do with who you are today.
Your answer is in your question: "I have a very strong sense of loyalty to my dad, and I feel that connecting with my "hidden family" is a betrayal."

Answer 9

ok i think you should because my life was somthing like yours i knew my real father was but he only wanted to be my realfther when he need something . so i feel like even though hes so different from me i know i am not a mean person so i went to see all my real family on his side and my step dad was apart of it . if either of them really loves you then they would apart of it together for you . thats something you want to learn about your true past and this is how you truely feel then i say go for and tell who to join you to see where it is you come from .

Answer 10

there is no such thing as betraying your dad, your father is your father and trust me if you know him and you do not connect with him you will regret it after he is gone. I had that problem, I had just met my real father and kept putting off going to see him and he passed away. it makes it really hard and you feel guilty. your dad will always be dad, and your father can be father, they are diffent and you are not betraying one by knowing and caring for the other

Answer 11

Talk honestly with your Dad about this.

Let him know this in no way takes away from the love and respect you have for him.

He sounds like a good guy......he'll understand.