Training bra for an 8 year old?

Question

I get my daughter every other weekend for the school year, and 10 days on, 10 days off for the summer. (Just to let you know where I am in her life)
Well, this weekend she came home with a fricking training bra! I am concerned her mother is trying to push my daughter into growing up to fast. I should mention that my daughter is NOWHERE close to showing lumps..

My daughter had no idea what she was wearing. She was not talked to about the device until she got to my house.

Mind you all, her mother and I are barely on speaking terms, if we need to do discuss child rearing issues, we have to use Mediation. We have been through court numerous times, I am building a case against her as I type this. My daughter's school attendance is not up to par, her home life with her mother, I consider white trash, and no we were never married. Sorry if the truth hurts, but tha's just how it is..

Answer 1

Wow - Kittara's answer is right on the nose ... you should listen (she's very wise for her age).

It does have a lot to do with both status and self-confidence. YOU may not think she needs one, but the opposite may actually be the case.

A great book to get on the developing girl's body is "The Care and Keeping of Me" by American Girl. Perhaps you should get a copy so that YOU can understand what she'll be going through in the next few years. I'll bet you'd be surprised - you probably don't know everything you think you do. (Not meant as an insult.)

Also, no matter how well you and her mother get along, you should both be on the same page about who will coach your daughter through the changes she'll be going through. (Obviously, her mother has first-hand experience.) Tell her mother about the American Girl book so she can get a copy too. That way your daughter will be getting consistent information from the both of you. Also, let your daughter lead the conversations on this topic with you. As others have mentioned, she may feel very uncomfortable speaking with you about it right now, but it's good for her to know that she CAN talk to you. However, she WON'T talk to you if she feels forced or if she feels that you are judging her.

I know my husband is very protective of our daughter, as he should be and as is his right. I also know that he would not be the best person to coach our daughter through this crucial time in her life BECAUSE he is over-protective. Being over-protective actually pushes the person away. Remember to pick your battles - the important ones. (This isn't one of them!)

Good luck!

Answer 2

You are in her life...but not every day. Your comfort level with the bra is really not the issue here. Its her comfort. You can gently let her know that if she doesn't want to wear it, she doesn't have to, but its ok with you if she does. I didn't get a bra until it was wayyyy over due. Guess who wasn't comfortable with the idea?

Being 8 there are things going in in her little body and head that you have NO IDEA. She's growing up before your eyes. Don't make her feel bad about it.

If you feel so uncomfortable with the bra then ask your wife about it. Ask how she brought up the conversation, perhaps how she took her shopping. You will do 2 things, score with your wife for respecting her ability. and 2 know how the bra came to be in the first place, maybe you can take her shopping some time.

If you are freaked about the bra - what will happen when she gets her period?! yes - that too is just around the corner. Happy parenting.

Answer 3

Thank goodness you were there for her to talk to! You sound like an excellent Dad.

She probably got enough information from you to feel comfortable...but there are books about growing up and maturing at the library and you might want to make sure that she has a good one of those to help her if her mother is not preparing her for growing up...get something age appropriate of course....some of them go into more detail than necessary.

Girls do mature earlier now than they used to ...and some of them wear training bras at an earlier age if their classmates and friends are. You might consider asking her if any of her friends wear them....if not, it's too soon....but if so...well, I would leave it alone in that case....

It may not be worth the fight with her mother to protest it anyway. In a situation like that, there is probably already some strain that is hard on your daughter...you don't want to make that any worse.

I would let her know that she doesn't have to wear one when she spends time at your home if she doesn't care to...and that you feel she might be too young yet for one...but ask her what she thinks about it and go with her wishes....at eight she probably knows her own mind and can express her own wishes in this. I wouldn't try to push too hard one way or the other.

I always try to ask myself if something that I am upset about will really make any difference in the long run....and I think this probably won't unless you make a big deal of it with her mother...and then she could feel squeezed between trying to please the two of you...and that might be more damaging in the big picture.

Answer 4

For those of you that have already answered and those of you about to answer let me put this out there:

I am the step mother of this child. Now, I understand that you have a very small amount of information about this situation but if you could see the whole picture you would know that this was a very inappropriate thing for the mother to do. After finding the bra in the laundry I went to speak to my step daughter. She didn't even know what it was for. Her mother didn't explain to her what the purpose of the bra was. She didn't ask for it and didn't like it. She didn't want to take it home to her mothers. I explained to her that I didn't start wearing one until I was in the sixth grade. That doesn't mean that she won't need one by next year but at this time she does not need one. Her mother is anxious for her to grow up and that was her intent in her daughter wearing a bra. She didn't even teach her how to put it on herself. Her mother had to help her. Now I remember my training bras latching in the front.

My husband and I decided together that this was a very inappropriate time for her to be wearing such a garment and we do not approve of her having one in our house. She is still quite immature for her age. She lacks the knowledge to really do anything for herself and because we are granted so little time with her we have a difficult time instilling the things she needs to know at this age.

I think I would be a little more accepting of it had her mother at least explained to her why she was buying it for her to wear. She didn't and in my opinion she did not behave in the manner a mother should have. So for the one that said "she probably asked for it" NO, she didn't. She's not that kind of child.

Answer 5

As the mother of three daughters, I can only say that a training bra is appropriate for wear under T-shirts if there are nipple "buds" starting to show, which, depending on your daughter's build, may indeed be present at age 8. I question why your ex wouldn't have explained this to your daughter though.

Answer 6

This is along the lines of the discussion we were having in my Human Development class last week. As a class we feel that kids are being pushed to grow up way to fast by parents, society and advertisement! As we as humans develop we must hit all of our developmental stages, and if moving along to quickly may need to come back to a stage we skipped. To make myself clear, she is too young. Personally I would give it another year, some where in fourth grade. I started wearing them in fifth grade, however young girls are developing at a much younger age now then ever before.
As for the comment about 'dad' not talking to her about it, how insecure are you that made that this statement? Once again, who says dad cant talk about this stuff to his daughter?....... society, but as we can tell from how our society is right now....it is not always the right answer. I talked to my dad about that kind of stuff, and yes it felt a little weird at the time but because we have always been able to be very open about everything that has given us a very tight bond that will last forever.
One last thing, for those who made the comment about him saying "my daughter", I don't know this persons whole life story and neither do you, so you have no right to make that comment when you don't know the whole situation!
So dad if your okay talking to her about it, explain what it is and what it is used for, and ask how she is feeling about wearing it. If she doesn't want to wear it yet, then let her know that it okay that she doesn't have to wear it, then help her put it away for later in life when she does/needs want to wear it.

Answer 7

I'm of two minds about this.
I was, at 11, one of the last girls in my class to start wearing some kind of a bra, and I did get teased about it. I'm 33 now and can still tell you exactly where in the school and by which classmates I was teased. *I* didn't think I needed one yet at the time, and neither did my mother. But off we went and got me two training bras, just to shut the mean girls up.

But in my class, the two girls who already had their periods in grade six were considered early developers. About age 12-13 was considered to be a normal age that girls should be prepared by. Now there really are some girls getting their periods around age 8 and 9!!! So it's plausible that younger girls are starting to wear training bras for reasons other than fashion, and the not-yet-developing ones don't want to be the babies by comparison.

My own mental rule of thumb is, since nipples start to 'bud' shortly before breasts begin to grow a little, that seems like a reasonable stage to start a training bra - IF the girl wants to. (Some couldn't care less until they fully hit puberty and actually 'need' to wear one, at least for gym class.)

Whoa - an edit here, - just submitted my answer then saw Kittara's. There's some wisdom in her words!

Answer 8

I think she is too young for that, but I don't think its ever appropriate for a father to discuss such a thing with his daughter. Your choice to call it a "device" and your choice to describe her arrival at your house as "coming home" (rather than "got to my house" or "came for our visit").

Maybe you should just mention to your daughter's mother that you (and others who share your opinion) think 8 is too young. Your daughter may get sick of wearing it anyway. I do think, though, you should be careful not to voice negative opinions to your daughter; because she may be delighted to have the thing or else she may already feel awkward about it - either way, her father isn't the one she should be hearing about it from.

Your choices of words (the ones I mentioned above, and the "fricking" and the "lumps") says you are not the most tuned in person sensitivitiy-wise, so the mother of your child is the only one to discuss this with.

Answer 9

No one in their right mind should put an eight year old in a training bra. That is just plain ridiculous.
Kids need time to be kids. Childhood is a short enough period, and in a very few years, she will be into her teens and will have to begin coping with bras and periods and dating and all the hassles that go with them. Give her a chance to be a child while she still can. And for heaven's sake, try to talk some sense into her mother. Although if you are divorced/separated parents, it's unlikely that will happen. At least you can let her be a little girl while she's with you. At that age, she should be in her tomboy phase, and not at all interested in dressing up, curling her hair, using makeup (and yes, I have seen 8-year olds wearing makeup to school!) or any of that other stuff.
Good for you, Dad.

Answer 10

My daughter is 10. When she turned 8, most of the girls all went to Limited Too and got starter bras. It lasted all of about a month and then they tired of them. Now they're having to get them because they need them, but it really was a status thing back when she was 8.

I agree with the others that this is likely something that your daughter requested and her mom went along with because it is harmless and something she will eventually need to deal with anyway.

The whole body changing thing will happen in its own time. It's important that you make this fun for her and not add to her stress by insisting that she not wear one until she truly needs one. This really needs to be a comforting and exciting time for her. I can't stress this enough - don't blow it by being uptight. She will remember it for years.