Any ideas on displining a six year old?

Question

I have a six year old boy, Can be the sweetest thing when he wants to be but when he doesnt get his way will throw HUGE temper tantrums including biting his siblings (both girls), throwing toys/furniture, colouring walls and even swearing. He is a middle child. I have even tried giving him more attention only to have made things slightly worse. My methods of punishment that AREN'T working are time out, taking away privledges like friends or tv, even refusing him dessert. I know children will be children and act inappropriate at times but it seems as he gets older hes becoming more aggressive. Any ideas? My other option was taking him to a specialist but I only wish to use that as a last resort. Be aware there are some more behavioural issues I havent mentioned and wish not to disclose.

Answer 1

Takeing any child to specialist usually ends in them getting medicated as quickly as they are in school and the specialist can suck money out of you. Medications are over used and result in long term damage (the point of Retiline is to burn a person out, what gets burnt out and eventurally destroyed is actually essential in the future, so when someone is in their teens and Retiline has damaged them they lack some chemicals and senses in their body.... they can more easily commit suicide because they are lacking sensations to keep them from doing that and that normal people experience when haveing fun or rideing a rollar coaster).
... and now I'm starting to ramble.

You might want to check if he has lesser known problems you probably have never heard the word for (a ton of people have them but everyone benefits from Retiline but the child being misdiagnoised so that's the most common things to do and very wrong).

I wonder why your son KNOWS curseing. Curseing should be an extreme expression and not practiced around infants, small children, and children. Some people cannot control their curseing because it is SO POPULAR at this point. I am not saying " Oh Man,.. his parents are curseing machines and that's why he is curseing".. I am trying to make you think about where and when he was exposed to, learned, and started practiceing curseing.

I have a feeling alot of things feed into his behavior that you don't notice. Alot of times you can't tell from the inside but from the outside looking in you might notice things. (Feel like Video tapeing, then waiting a week or two until it's no longer fresh in your minds then pay close attention to triggers, influences, and what fans the fire? Probably too expensive, but just a thought).

It can help to have isolation Periods kinda like Time Out,.. but not with the child haveing nothing to do but stare and fester anger at everyone else. Like sit in isolation and do one of these projects without seeing the rest of the family, give him projects... it can be kinda hard because people think of like Paint and Messes but these days there are ways to paint and draw that do not effect anything but the paper and you can create folding and building activities. Express how much you like something he has accomplished. Have him work with things like Dominos where becomeing upset or haveing an accident ruins the project so that he gets that things are not always permenate and how easily some things fall to pieces. It's not going to be you go " See,.. I made a tower, I touched it,.. it falled,.. you have learned" rush like that, he is going to have to learn and experience some things for himself.

If your children are close in age he may have problems from that,.. and if they are both girls he might be interested in some Girl things or have the oposite position that the girl things out number the boy things,.. you never know.

I think another thing ALOT of parents don't do is sit and listen. Approaching and asking things can seem like your planning to scold him or in the process of scolding him so his mind will go blank and fear will kick in that he is going to be punished for no good reason. Actually talk to him, ask how his day has been,.. little things like that. I get the feeling there are times one of the girls does something he doesn't like and it is IGNORED... not corrected or punished or anything so he has to fight since that becomes his only option. He doesn't see the " She's a Girl" or "She's younger then me" thing that becomes programed into us over time... or maybe you have been giving favor " She's a girl", "She's Older/Younger then you".... etc.

Also,.. while your calming him down,.. you want him to get things out of his system... it's the counter to things. Have play times he can burn energy. Have him go nuts at a Play ground or in one of the special play places that are indoors. Found out what he wants to do and have him try to handle the adult items to show he isn't good enough yet and let him know that's normal for his age... and you can't even do what he wants to do because you haven't trained towards that like people have to.

You do have to get this,.. if you want him to be calm and docile some times... he has to wear himself out by doing alot to burn energy at other points of the day or maybe the day before.

Answer 2

I have 3 children and my suggestion to you would be this: if your child is throwing a temper tantrum WALK AWAY and don't react, because that is exactly what he wants you to do. Even if you have to walk outside, do it....don't acknowledge that he's even doing anything. When he's done with his "FIT", find a room in your house and put a chair against the wall and make him sit there for about 6 minutes(1 minute for each year of age), if he won't sit and stay there, then you need to hold him there, i know it sounds hard, but it's 6 minutes and it will work. He will soon find that he gets NO ATTENTION from you when he's throwing a tantrum and that when he does that he's forced to sit with you if need be doing nothing but looking at the wall.
Best of luck to you, i know middle kids can be tough sometimes, i went through the same thing.
one more small piece of advice...if he bites someone, bite him back, (on the tip of his finger should work, just hard enough for him to feel it and know that it hurts, that's how i broke ALL my kids from biting.)

Answer 3

Temper tantrums are caused by children who are not getting their needs met. If they are not throwing a tantrum because they are tired, hungry, or sick, they will throw a tantrum because it feels powerful, they get attention for it, they are testing limits, or they are simply feeling frustrated. Your son seems to be feeling very angry. Are there any new changes in his life (more, family issues, new school, stress)? If there are, give him lots of extra love and support. If you cannot get to the root of his anger, I suggest looking into a play therapist. Many parents do not like this idea because they feel it may stigmatize a child, but the child only sees it as play. It can be very helpful!

Your methods aren't working because they are punishments. Punishments cause anger, are shaming, and causes resentment. Punishments are a way for you to control your son but not a way for him to learn self-control. You need to discipline him. Punishment and discipline are very different.

Using natural and logical consequences work best when disciplining children. Taking away a privilege or not offering dessert when he throws a toy are not natural or logical consequences. Taking away a toy when he throws it is logical. When he throws a tantrum, walk away from him or put him in a quiet place away from others (his room, or another quiet room). Tell him “When you are ready to calm down, then you can come back.” This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he is ready to control himself. When he throws a toy, put it high up where he can see but not reach it. Tell him “When you are ready to use this gently then you can have it back.” If he colors the walls, make him clean it (he can use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser or something else that may take it off that works for you). When he bites his siblings, rush to the injured child and empathize. “Ouch! That must have hurt! Let’s get some ice to put on your bite.” Ignore your son. He will not like the feeing of being left out. Don’t give him attention when he swears. You can either say “I am offended by that word. I’ll speak with you when you are ready to speak nicely to me” or just ignore him. Let the discipline you use fit the crime committed.

Empathize with you son when he is calm or if you feel it is needed when he is angry. Say things like “You must be feeling so (mad, hurt, angry, frustrated, upset).” It will help him to use words to better express himself and he will notice that you understand him

Find ways to help him to feel powerful. Say things like “You can run super fast! You did that without any help! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on you painting! You put all the cars in order!” These phrases are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic (“Good job!, stickers, candy). They are great ways to show positive attention, great confidence builders, and great ways to help him feel powerful in a positive way!

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. Pick you battles! You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck to you!

Answer 4

You speak of punishments you've given but you don't mention how you are on the follow through of them.

When my sister's son was around that age he would pull the same kind of thing. She would threaten punishments but would seldom carry them out according to her threats. Such as, if she told him to clean up his toys and do it in 10 minutes time or he wasn't getting any ice cream later, then if he didn't do it she might still give him something sweet to eat later, just not ice cream. Also, she seldom made the punishment fit the offense.

When she asked me to help her with him I never made that mistake. If I told him I'd punish him a certain way if he didn't do something, then I would, but I would always explain beforehand what I would do and why, so he would know what he was getting into if he chose not to do as he was told. If he wouldn't pick up his toys the punishment was taking a favourite one of them away for a couple of days. He'd leave rocks in his pants that he would pick up when he was outside. We'd tell him that they could damage the washer and dryer if they were left in them, which would cost money to fix. I'd tell him that if he kept doing that I would take away some of his money each time, and I would. And so on. He started changing his behaviour for the better fairly quickly.

You need to be consistent and fair with your punishments each and every time and let him know why his behaviour is wrong so that he can learn from it.

Answer 5

punishment and discipline are 2 completely different things...we all know what punishment is...to discipline means to teach. find out if there is a parenting support network in your area. google has some good resources also.

it sounds as though there are underlying issues going on that may require behavior health counseling, and/or behavior modification techniques training. it takes the entire family to get on board, and support each other.

i used to teach parenting skills, and have raised 4 children alone. there is help out there for you, you're gonna have to be diligent in finding it what's right for your family. also check out dr. phil's website. food for thought: how ever long these behaviors have been happening, is about how long it might take to resolve and turn around. best of luck to you.

please, do not listen to most of the answers already listed here...extrememly poor and ignorant advice.

Answer 6

With biting at the age of 6 + behavioral issues that are so bad you don't want to associate them with your photo, I would get him to a behavioral specialist forthwith.

A child who is verbal should never be biting.

In a child who does not have developmental difficulties will typically respond well to ignoring some behaviors, but what you are describing is not typical 6-year-old behavior. He needs more help than you can give him.

Best wishes to you.

Answer 7

Sounds to me as if the "Privliges" are acutally "rights" in your home if you have to take them away. Privliges are things that are earned BEFORE they are given. In my home we had a behavior chart. at the end of every day we would check the board, see what my daughter had done that day, if everything came out to her behaving all day she got an hour of television/videos/games. If not, she didn't earn any of that time. On the weekend the same but on a larger scale, however no more than 6 hours of television time all weekend. There was also NO television in her bedroom. That isn't the appropriate place for televisions or computers for that matter.
Since his behavior seems to be escalating though you might discuss this with his doctor. There might be a medical problem that is being overlooked. But in order for the doctor to evaluate him properly you have to be totally honest with the doctor.

Answer 8

my daughter does the same thing, but she has been diagnosed with A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder). so if your son is like real hyper then u might want to get him checked out because pent up energy can make them act that way, she isn't on any meds but giving her plenty of excercise to work it off has helped because when she is all hyper she ends up throwing fits over little things. other than that if that isn't an issue then u need to find out exactly what he cherishes most and take that away for a day to start off with and let him know y u are doing it. and then if he does it again take it away for 2 days and so on.

Answer 9

Based on your last statement and the fact that you have tried conventional disciplining, I would advice this is the last resort and for you to seek out that specialist now.

You have an increasingly aggressive child who is old enough to have the ability to control his behavior and its not. His actions are appropriate for a 2yr old, not a 6yr old. You cannot just let him harm other children, and you aren't helping him by waiting for something worse to happen.

I know its hard to acknowledge that this is out of your control, but imagine how frightened your son must be knowing he cannot control his behavior. Please seek help now.

Answer 10

Give him more hugs...even when he is wrong...when this reward is understood by him as your form of love, then it should melt his heart to change...it will test you but you need patience....he is simply seeking attention...and love is the best way to show him, that you are aware that he is seeking such...worst thing is to seek a specialist because he would assume that you have lost all hope on him..this might reinforce his behaviour....Most important of all, PRAY for him and surely, God hears prayers from the heart that truly seeks him.. May God Bless you