Those who say mothers should stay home for the first few years of a baby's life?

Question

How are you supposed to pay your mortgage and household bills, food etc?

I'm expecting my first baby in December. My partner is a barman on a low wage. He is desperately trying to find a better paid job but with no success right now.

There is no way we will be able to cover all our necessary bills on his wage because it is too low. I'm not talking about luxuries. Just food, roof over our head, clothing heating etc.

I'll have to go back to work when my baby is about 3-4 months old because I have no choice. I hate the idea and would love to stay home with him but otherwise we will not be able to pau our mortgage and lose our home and I don't want my child to be brought up in a homeless shelter!

Incidentally, before you say "you should have planned this before you had the baby" - I was told I couldn't have kids so we were not "planning" a baby, we were "planning" a childless life! I earned more than my partner in the job I was doing at the time.

I'm in the UK and we can get child tax credit from the government which covers about 75% os childcare expenses.

Also as my BF is a barman he often works nights and evenings, so if I can get a job in the day we can share the childcare between ourselves, there should always be one of us at home.

Bumbleigh - my mum also stayed home with us to and it was not a good idea. Firstly we never had any money as my dad wasn't earning much and she wasn't contributing anything. Secondly she was very over protective and neurotic like you said your mother was, and we found it really hard to detach outselves from mum and home when it came time to start school.

I don't see childcare as a bad thing but I hear so many people going on about how you should stay home it makes me feel like I'll be a bad mother if I don't. I just don't have the option.

Debbie T - If I stayed at home we'd lose our house because even with tax credit, my partner's wage would not cover the mortgage. Would living in a homeless shelter (the council won't rehouse mortgage repossessions as they say its "intentionally homeless" be better for my child than a playschool?

Plus I haven't bought new cloythes or had a holiday for years! We live on the breadline basically. Our income is about £200 a week and out of that £112 goes on the mortgage.

Whoisit -

Yes we have thought about finding a cheaper place to live but the only way we could do that would be to get a housing association/council house and the housing associations and councils round here have 5 year waiting lists for a property. There is no family member we could move in with - the only one who has the room is my mum and she doesn't want us to move in with her so either we keep paying our mortagage or we live in a B&B.

Answer 1

People would argue that in a PERFECT world, people would stay home with their kids the first few years. Obviously, if you don't have the means, I don't think its your fault and that doesn't apply to you.

My mom stayed home with me, and I think it did more harm than good (shes quite overprotective and neurotic), and I have plenty of friends whos moms worked and they do fine.

Children whos moms are in the work force also tend to have less sexist ideas - thats certainly a plus! (According to the results of a sociological study).

I wouldnt worry about it - do what is best for your family, which happens to be providing for it - don't worry about what other people consider right or wrong.

Answer 2

A lot of mums have to go back to work, the great injustice is that there is very little state support for mums to stay at home in the UK, and most workplaces are not even slightly geared up for childcare - if more of our multinational companies put some of those profits into creches then there would be less stress at work for working mums and dads.

However you can still give your baby love support and security when you go back to work, if you have consistent childcare in place, preferably with a family member or a childminder you know and like - I'm not a fan of private Nurseries as the quality of care varies greatly.

I think the most important thing you can do for yourself and your baby is try not to get caught up in the whole guilt trip thing that working mothers go through, at the end of the day you have to do what is best for your family.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, and I hope the birth goes well, keep us posted!

Answer 3

I think people are just way too judgemental, especially when it comes to how they all think you should bring up your kids!

You'll find once it is born every man and dog will be freely handing out advice you never wanted or asked for because they all think that being a first time mum you'll need their advice. I found best thing was to keep stum and then just ignore it if you don't agree with them!

People also forget that what may be right for them and worked for them will not necessarily be right for other people or work for them. People only judge because they see people doing things they would not do, this does not always make what they would do the right thing to do!

My friend had an abortion which is not something I would even ever begin to contemplate under any circumstances because I just do not agree with it, but she had one and she got upset about it and cried a fair bit, and I hugged her and she was like why are you hugging me and trying to cheer me up when you don't agree with what I did? And I just said because you did the only thing you could do, you did what you thought was best at the time and that is all anyone can ask of anyone so don't be so hard on yourself.

Besides some children thrive at nursery etc, they learn to socialise and share and they learn basic educational skills that they perhaps would not get if they stayed at home with their mum!

Good luck.x

Answer 4

I ran a playgroup for several years and I know from experience that small kids are better off if their mum stays home. I'm a single mum and stayed home and on benefits when my two were really small. It was really hard financially and I went without loads, even decent food at times, but I wouldn't change that if I had the chance to do it again. Because I stayed home, I haven't really recovered financially but I still wouldn't do it any differently. I think it's easier these days for families on a low income - if your husband is poorly paid, you should be able to claim working families tax credits that should help. In order to survive on such a budget you need to let go of some of your expectations. New clothes are not necessary (second-hand and charity shops are fine for clothes, also with small kids you often get networks of friends who pass on bags of clothes to one another). Another non-necessity are holidays - I'm 48 and have only had one holiday since I was 16. I don't feel hard-done by in any way as I now have two wonderful grown-up daughters. The 25 year old did really well at school (11 GCSEs, A'levels and a university degree) and the 16 year old has passed 12 GCSE's this summer and is now doing 4 A'Levels. I'm really proud of my girls and I take pride in the fact that although I didn't have much materially, they never went without. I managed to send them on school holidays and trips (the youngest went to America on a school trip last year) and always made sure that they did not miss out on any opportunities. Both my kids think I did things the best way and respect me for it.

Answer 5

Have you given up the job that you were doing? If so, what a shame - you could have got a good maternity pay and the best of both worlds!! I had a full time well paid job when I had my first child and was horrified at the thought of having to go back to work and leave my child with someone else. Childcare is certainly not cheap - but I was lucky enough to find a family member who did not work and so was able to go part time and have a job. Not everyone is as fortunate and so I fully understand where you are coming from.
If you could struggle for the first three years - I would say it was worth it as you get goverment vouchers to send them to playschool when they are three.

Best of luck!

Answer 6

Hey you - CONGRATULATIONS!! I was in exactly the same position. I earn considerably more than my then boyfriend (now husband - not that anything is different!). I went back to work after the first couple of months at home and my partner looked after our daughter. I managed to secure a working from home position after a while - but have kept working full time ever since. It is possible to book in holidays and long weekends and flexi-time hours and manage to have a close bond with your child.
I would rather keep paying the mortgage and afford good food on the table and some luxuries rather than have no security and be worried about money all the time. I love my daughter more than anything in the world - but I also have to work.
Good luck - I'm sure it'll work out well for you.

Answer 7

my daughter is 6 months old and we have just managed to get by, and thats what its all about when being a parent, if your husband is on a low income you get child tax credits, working tax vredits and other benefits to top up your income to help you live.
I had my baby to stay at home with her, not for one minute did i think oh ill have a baby to go back to work, and no im not dissing mums who would do work.
at the end of the day if you want to stay at home then you can. and there are always other lil ways of earning money if you are skint, like your partner doing overtime or even doing a carboot sales de clutters your house and you get a few extra quid in your back pocket.

And can i just say my daughter was never planned so financially myself and hubby werent doing too well but i was told at 18 id never have kids and then i had 5 miscarraiges and told myself id never be a mum and didnt use anything to protect myself and along came my daughter and you know what? I WOULDNT turn ack time or change her for the world ut it doesnt mean i was being stupid at them time of conceiving

Answer 8

sorry to hear about your situation but congrats on the pregnancy. I have two children and have stayed at home with them. My youngest is 1 and I will stay with her till she goes to pre-school aged 3. Its been hard and some time have not had money for food. but my children are happy.
If you need to work that is fine. I am thinking of getting a part time job soon anyway. (just Saturdays). You must be hating the idea of leaving your baby to work. I have had friends crying on my shoulder when they have left their baby for the first time. But their children have grown up happy and none of them have suffered.
Just make sure you give your child plenty of attention when you get back from work regardless of how tired you are because your child will appreciate it. make weekends family time and do things together whenever you can. Go out for walks. and enjoy your baby.
Just because you have to work to keep your house does not make you a bad parent. What you do and how you are when you are with your child is what does.
Try not to let the child see bad times, always have a smile. Spend as much quality time with them as possible and make everything fun. Praise all the good things.
I am sure you will make a great mother. The fact you are concerned about your child's future says so. Just be there when you can and enjoy your child.
Hope my essay has helped. If you need someone to chat to feel free to e mail me.

Answer 9

Basic Training of the Puppy - Read here https://tr.im/am6Cw

The new puppy is certainly one of the most adorable and cuddly creatures that has ever been created. It is the most natural thing in the world to shower it with love and affection. However, at the same time it is important to realize that if you want to have a well trained adult dog, you need to begin the training process right away. The dog, like its related ancestor, the wolf, is a pack animal. One of the features of a pack is that it has a single dominant leader. Your new puppy is going to want that leader to be you, but if you do not assume that role from the very beginning, the puppy’s instincts will push him to become the leader.

The most important thing to remember about training the puppy during its first six months of life is that it must see you as the leader of the family pack. The essential thing is gaining the trust and the respect of the puppy from the beginning. You will not do this by allowing the puppy to do whatever it wants to do whenever it wants to do it. On the other hand, a certain amount of patience is required. Most people err in their early training by going to extremes one way or the other. Although you need to begin the basic training process at once, you can not expect your dog to do too much at first. Basic obedience training is fine and should include simple commands like sit, stay, and come. Remember that trying to teach the dog advanced obedience techniques when it is a puppy is much like trying to teach a five year old child algebra.

It is also important to restrain from cruel or abusive treatment of the puppy. You can not beat obedience into your dog, and it certainly is not going to engender feeling of respect and trust. House breaking is an area where this usually becomes a problem because of the anger that is triggered when the puppy fails and creates a mess inside the home. Although this issue must be addressed without anger, it most be addressed. If you allow the puppy to eliminate inside the house, it will continue to do so as an adult dog. The same thing is true of other destructive or dangerous behavior such as chewing and biting. Do not expect the puppy to grow out of it. You are going to need to train the puppy out of it, but you should do so firmly but with a sense of play and fun using positive reinforcement and lots of love and praise for good behavior.

Answer 10

I stayed at home when my first child was born. Just when I was thinking about going back to work I found out I was pregnant again. My eldest was only 3 months old at the time. I ended up staying at home, and having another one so I had 3 babies in 3 yrs. Childcare would have been more than I earned so I stayed home. My husband was in a crip paying job but we managed,sometimes by the seat of our pants. We done without all kinds of things and learnt to be frugal and not waste anything at all. My kids didn't have all kinds of designer gear unless they had birthday money and bought it for themselves. They went without but only on the luxury side of things. Things got better as the years went on and it was hard at times. I made my husband get sterilised as I got pregnant no matter what we used and that was one thing I didn't have to worry about anymore. Have you enquired about tax credits?

Answer 11

I was very lucky to be able to stay at home the first year with my daughter.My hubby has a great job, yet with two kids on the way it could help if I worked part time. SOOOO, this time around, I'm going to work for a bit of my pregnancy and then after the baby's born I'm back to being a stay at home mom. Sometimes LIFE happens, people gotta go what they gotta do. and overall what works for some people may not work for others. You can work parttime and be a mom as well. the reason my hubby wants me at home is mainly because one childcare expenses, pretty much anything id make would pay for it and in the end we wouldnt be getting anymore ahead than we already are. try working parttime, arrange it around your hubbys schedule. thats what we're doing and it actually has worked out wonderfully.!
And congrats for getting pregnant!!!!