Are we doing anything wrong? My husband's parents have been involved in our children's' lives since day 1.

Question

We have 3 kids; the oldest 1 is not doing too well in school. It isn't b/c he doesn't understand the work. He's too distracted, telling on the other kids, messy handwriting etc. he’s a well behaved kid, very respectable towards adults. I've put together a system to go over the work his work a week prior and week after. I will begin sitting in his class 2-3 times during the week to find out what he's doing, etc. My other two girls were recognized for their acemedics this week. The grandparents told the girls they would take them out to celebrate. Grandparents called earlier wanting to know what time they can pick the kids up, all 3. I shared with them that I prefer that the girls go, and our son stay here to study, work on his handwriting. They said we are punishing him, and abusing him b/c of keeping him away from people that love him. Share your thoughts, and do you think my husband and I are going by this the wrong way?

So the grandparents decided not to put any of the kids up b/c we will not allow our son to tag along. His teacher his sent home several notes and email about him being able to do the work but refuse to apply himself, due to being so focused on other things

There's nothing wrong with him as far as learning. His problem is he's so busy involved telling on the other kids and his class, rushing through his work etc. Again, by allow him to take part in certain activities send the wrong message, and why should the girls suffer? I believe they should be awarded. Every child should be awarded when a job well done. It's an just incentive!

After all..when it all boils done to it, I'm his mother, I'm responsible for his actions, and his school work reflective on me as the parent as well as my husband

Answer 1

I think you are being very responsible and it's a shame the grandparents don't see that. What kind of message does that send your son when the grandparents cancel the whole thing all together? "Oh everyone will wait on me to get my act together, I won't miss out on anything special." I would purposely plan something that your son shouldn't be allowed to participate in because of his attitude about school. He needs to see that there are consequences for his actions and if he chooses to be lazy, he WILL miss out on special activities. Good luck, you are doing the right thing!

Answer 2

Did you have the child fully evaluated by a school psychologist: He could have a high IQ, he could have a learning disorder. I agree with James that he shouldn't be loaded up with drugs if he does. Is he able to perform better with you in a very quiet room without any distractions or interruptions?

He can't be feeling too good being compared with his siblings: his sisters sail through school, yet he is having problems.

Don't punish the boy. Why such stress on academics? If the real reason is that the grandparents just want to see all the children why give a reason that is divisive? There must be a lot of stress for all of you (including the boy) and he needs a time of fun and affirmation that he is OK too. Give him a big hug and tell him so.

OK. So he is observant. Have him write a daily journal entry (doesn't matter how short or long) every evening about what happened in his life that day.

I think you are doing the right thing -- the best you can. We had 3 sons, all gifted; all with different problems. The oldest child had Asperger's Syndrome -- he diagnosed the problem himself as a young man after finishing graduate school. We all saw doctors, a psychologist, and a social worker -- yet this diagnosis slipped right past all of us. I think in those days, little was known of that disorder. Knowing the problem could have helped us a lot.

Answer 3

You seem overly concerned about his handwriting, which is in the grand scheme of things, even in the grand scheme of school, rather unimportant. The big problem is that he is not paying attention in class and making him sit at home and study, which he clearly finds boring, will never help. You need to find out why he is not paying attention in class and solve the problem. It could, in fact be that the classes are not challenging enough for him. Also, don't rush to ADD as the answer. Try everything besides medicating first.

Edit:
Your added information makes it seem all the more likely that there is an underlying problem that needs to be addressed and which extra studying at home will never fix. You say, "His problem is he's so busy involved telling on the other kids and his class, rushing through his work etc." Well, ask yourself, why would he do such a thing? Is it because he cannot understand the work? Or is it because he is not being intellectually stimulated? Or even is it that he has a learning disorder? You need to find out what the problem is and fix it and almost certainly more studying will not fix it.

Answer 4

My oldest son is the same way, and he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. He is very smart and knows how to do the work, but has an extremely hard time focusing and concentrating also has very messy handwriting, etc.. All the teachers are able to work with him and understand him due to his diagnoses. He is also very well behaved. If your son is having these problems, its likely something he can not help it. Maybe take him to the pediatrician and ask them. You dont want to be forcing him to do things he really cant help it. My husband was the same way when he was a child and his parents just told him he was lazy and would punish him for not doing well, etc and he ended up with a low self esteem and resented his parents not helping him more. Im not saying you do that, Im jsut saying if he does have problems he may grow up resenting how he was expected to do better just because his sisters did even if he wasnt able to. Just an idea of why he could have slight problems. Not that its necessarily Aspergers, but could be something along those lines.

Answer 5

I'm now not certain how ancient your son is however boys do not do the tuition factor good besides. They are very immature for many years. Does dad have well handwriting? Probably now not. Most men not ever have well handwriting of their entire existence. Not whatever to base existence on. It does take train and it'll not ever be best and particularly why does it topic? To repair the tattling factor is sorta sensible. My oldest boy is nine and we had a equivalent quandary. We made a tattle field. Every time he desired to inform on any one he needed to write it ALL down on a work of paper then placed it within the field. Then we might open the field on the finish of the day and skim the entire little proceedings in it and speak approximately them. It's robust that no person wishes to put in writing up to they wish to speak. Then the quandary mostly has already resovled itself and pushed aside. There are those we nonetheless become speaking approximately and resolving as a organization. Maybe his trainer could make a field like this to get rid of the disruptions and he's going to be running on his writing potential too. All children will tattle at a few factor of their existence. Maybe he feels the youngsters are his quandary to repair. Let him understand the instructor is a massive individual and will manage all stuff like father and mother. Telling handiest works if it is a truly quandary and deliver him examples of what the ones are. Girls simply naturaly do bigger in tuition purpose they mature quicker. After two years of academics telling me the entire disorders my son was once I did ultimately with draw him and now I train him at dwelling. He's studying at a bigger grade stage then he was once in a tuition too. Try unique stuff til whatever works. It could also be the tuition, now not the little one. Be very wary nonetheless considering the fact that faculties particularly like to medicate children these days as an alternative of "dealing" with them. There are many choices to select from.

Answer 6

You said that he understands the work, but is too distracted. Well he is a BOY!! Most boys are playful and would rather do anthing else but study. I dont know what it is about them. My brother was the naugtiest, most destructive kid in our block, my mother would be tearing her hair out and forever be apologising to the neighbours, then suddenly around middle school he calmed down, became extremely quiet and well behaved and went on to study music and engineering and is doing very well for himself. Give your son a chance, let him play, and provide incentives for him to study at fixed timings daily. Making him stay home doing extra work while his sisters are out having fun is a sure way to give him a mind block. But at the same time, I can see that it is extremely important to you that all your children do well in school. Education means a lot to you. But, your son's well being is too. Let him develop at his own pace. He is sure to pick up, he may be a late bloomer for all you know and might even surpass his sisters. If all else fails, can you have friendly competitions at home? Let him see that it would be a shame for his little sisters to beat him at studies and win all the prizes? Maybe you can enroll him for music classes once a week, never know what that door could open...
And the handwritting? He cant grow on to adulthood with messy writing. It has to clear up sometime and anyway that is the least of your botherations. Focus on something else, like how to coax him to finish his homework so he can next join his sisters for an outing.

Answer 7

I can not even begin to tell you how many times a teacher has told me my child can do the work but does not apply his self.After being put back in kindengarden then being passed with poor grades year after year my son is in 4th grade and 10 years old.This is his first year in special education and he is working at first and second grade level.He was and still is well mannered in school.Its not that he could not focus on his work its just that he had no idea what he was doing and his mind would drift else where.Theres 2 types of teachers in this world and that is the type that will fail a child because the child refused to do the work although he/she how to and then the type that has been a failure to the child.Those types of teachers will not take the time out to say hey look your child is struggling and Im gonna have these services put in place to help your child.Its easier to say well mom he/she wont apply theirselfs in school.If my child was given extra help in the beginnig he would not be in special education right now.Instead he was wrote off as a lazy child who wont apply his self.As far as Grandparents taking him out yes I think you are wrong.Yes he does need help and practice but will it hurt if you do it before or after he gets back with his grandparents? Its so wrong to take the girls and not the boy because he is struggling in school.The grandparents seen it as being wrong and they are in right for not taking none.Too bad all 3 cant go because you want him to do handwriting at that moment when they are suppose to go out.Reconsider it please.But your rules are your rules and you should be respected on them but same goes for grandparents.If they think its not fair to take 2 but not the third then respect them on that.And I think they are 100% right.

Answer 8

Those are your kids,and you and your husband need to let the grandprants know that- when you punish one of your kids and they don't understand then they should stay out of it-because they see only what they want to see-if you and your husband change your mind and let him go this time,he will always do the same thing because he know that grandprants will step in and try to change your minds-when you put your foot down let it stay down-we are spoilers and then we go home,you still have the same problems once they leave-when he see's that he can't do the things his sisters are doing,then he will stop doing the things that he is doing-If the girls did good in school than let them get rewarded -the girls get a reward for what they did -what is your son being rewarded for -grandma & grandpa know better-they did not let their kids do those things, so why should you let your son do them.-I should know I raised 6 kids -I was a single parent for 25 yrs-5 girls & 1 son. I now have 16 grandkids & 2 greatgrandkids-when you & your husband say NO let it be that and let no body change what you all say-not even the grandprants-once you let him go he will always look to them to talk you all out of a situation he is in with you & your husband.

Answer 9

I agree with you and it's to bad that his grandparents can't understand what your trying to do. Maybe try talking to them and explain that his behavior doesn't justify a reward. Then also explain to your son that because of the stuff that has been going on that he can't go. If they don't understand then there's really nothing that you can do unfortunately. Alot of times grandparents get it into there heads that they have the right to spoil and don't want to discipline. They think it's there right because they raised their kids. But they also have to understand and try to remember what it was like raising their kids. It's not easy that's for sure!! Good luck!

Answer 10

He needs a happy balance in his life.Why don't you try making a chart for him. Like on Mondays he works for an hour, plays, eats dinner, works for an hour, plays one more hour, then sleeps for a solid eight. Just make sure he feels structure in his schedule and make sure that he has a balance in his schedule so he does not feel pressured or overwhelmed. The schedule will help to organize him and make sure that he stays on top of tasks at home and school. Don't sit in on classes anymore he probably only thinks about you watching him while you are there. Like I said, a structured schedule with a happy balance of play work eat and sleep is all he needs. Hope I helped.