Who is right who is wrong?

Question

OK, I have been married to my wife for nearly a year. Sadly my mother-in-law has always been overbearing and trying to control our lives. I’m going into the military, and I don't want my wife to stay with her parents while I am away. Why? Well she has three brothers. They are 29, 25, and 23 they are all alcoholics, 2 out of 3 don’t have jobs, and one of them is a chronic alcoholic who is always wanting to fight, and always brings strange people over. Instead I want my wife to go stay with her 32 year old cousin for the two weeks until she can move into her own place we have for her. Well, my mother-in-law got in an argument with me today. She said you are already taking her half way around the world (we will be about four hours away). I got very angry at her after she said that. Her mother has always said things like, "you can never love her as much as me". She makes me feel like I need to compete with her for my wife. I don't believe either one of us loves her more.

I think she doesn't understand just how much I love her, and the special bond we have. I understand that she has a special bond as well, but I would rather think we love her equally rather than make it a competition. We my wife and I first started dating after years of being friends her mother would get jealous of me.

Actually yes she wants to stay with her cousin she doesn't want to stay with her parents.

She doesnt want to stay with her parents. She was going to live with her cousin before we got married because of all the chaos in that house, but her mom put on a huge guilt trip on her about how her dad was going to die if she leaves.

Answer 1

time to cut the cord already!
this is an issue your wife needs to be vocal about ,not you
and if you know whats good for you, you will never speak a disrespectful word to MIL again or trust me,you'll pay.
and pay.
and pay.

Answer 2

Sounds like your wife has made her decision to stay with her cousin, if her mom can't accept that then i think they need to sit down as adults and discuss it. Your wife is not a child anymore she is a grown woman with a husband and your mother-in-law needs to respect that. I can see her maybe staying with them for a day or two since she is going to be moving away just to spend some quality time before she goes, but your right it does sound chaotic in that house. I mean who wants to be around a bunch of alcoholics all the time. Maybe she is the only daughter and the only sober one her mother can cling too. It's hard to let go of a child, especially one who is moving away. Try to see it from your mother-in-laws perspective. I know it's not easy because she gives you a hard time.. Just think it's only temporary and you'll be four hours away soon.

Answer 3

The most important question here is:
What does your wife want? Where does she want to stay? This is her life your talking about.
It's really none of your mother-in-laws business, unless your wife decides to stay with her and her brothers. Your wife is a big girl making her own decision of where she should be going.
This doesn`t have anything to do with who loves her the most. This is you and your wifes marriage, not your mother in laws. You and your wife should be making these decisions together and she'll have to accept what ever decision the two of you make. Sounds like a very controlling person and your going to have more of this in the future if she starts making decision that should be yours and your wifes.

Answer 4

Not a matter of right and wrong. Mom must let go. And you and your wife need to make your own decisions together. Mom's statement indicates how foolish she is. There is a difference in the love you both feel for her. Mom as a mother, and you as a husband. But neither is a matter of more or less. A mom's happiness is seeing her daughter happy. And NOT fighting over her daughter's affection.

Answer 5

Both you and your wife seem to have a healthy view of what her family is like,my hat is off to you both. I think you should just do what you and your wife have planed.If mama gets fussy just agree ( to keep the peace ) until you are both out of there.She says she loves her more say you might be right. If she says it will kill her father say the same thing or offer to let the man speak for himself - He may ask to go with you! Let mama have her fit, and quietly and happily start your new adventure together. Your wife must realize any loving parent would rather see her go on to her own life and that making her stay will only hurt her chance for happiness. - Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Neither of you are wrong if you look at both sides. I understand you not wanting her to stay with her family because of her alcoholic brothers...but have any of them ever hurt her physically? Either way you look at it, they are still her family and it is always safer to stay with family when you are alone..unless family is not a safe place.

Your mother in law is wrong in saying that she loves her more...speaking from a womans perspective...it's her daughter, will always be her baby....yes, she is over stepping her boundaries in trying to control your lives...but you know the old saying "Marry wife, marry her family"...unfortunately. Maybe this might be a way to try to make amends with your mother in law, by agreeing to have your wife stay with them while you are gone. Really, what does your wife want to do? It really is her choice don't you think?

Good luck joining the military, Bless you

Answer 7

Unfortunately, you have gotten yourself into quite a pickle here. You married into a family of major disfunction. You have 2 choices, continue your mariage , & not have contact with your toxic family members or seperate yourself from the entire family by way of divorce. If you didn't know, most women turn in to their mother's one day. I lived almost this exact situation & I loved my boyfriend so I tried to overlook his mother & family but it didn't work because he was trying to please us both. I realized this after 5 years & I decided I had enough! It was the best decision I've ever made in my life! I wish I had done it sooner because I feel like I lost so many years of my life working on this relationship. No more dramma for me! I didn't want my child around alcoholism & I hope you think about this because these people will be a part of your child's family & may influence them in the future. Also the bad behavior is something that they may copy later in life. Think about yourself & your (future) children while you make your decision. It you think this is bad, it is probably only the beginnig. Good luck to you & may God bless you. Prayer works!

Answer 8

You are talking about two different kinds of love. Mothers get their hearts broken every day by everything their children do. She may know that you bring unspeakable happiness to her daughter that she would never want to deny her but you are also taking her daughter away from her. Leave the decision up to your wife, it is her family, she has grown up with them and she can handle them. If it gets too bad she can always go to stay with her cousin.

Answer 9

first thing i would do is patch up things with your mother in-law because when mom is mad daughter is mad. Ask your wife what she wants to do i mean its wrong to ship your wife off to somewhere she dosn't want to be. if you really want the best thing to happen try to have your wife explain it to her mother. Because i think that her mom would better understand it from her. you may be even with her in the measure of love u both have for your wife but her mom gave birth to your wife and you have to remember that no matter what your mother in-law will never let go to what sounds like to be her only perfect child.

Answer 10

OK, first, you married your wife, not the inlaws.

Second, the both of you need to do what is OK for the two of you. Not what mom, brothers, aunts, uncles, etc. want.

If mom gets hurt, too bad! That is life.

My parents and my wifes parents are 100% against our marriage. 30 years and counting. But STILL both sides cannot stand the other side. We visit them OCCASIONALLY. Just to be blasted each time we go. But it does not matter. We did not marry them, we married each other.

Answer 11

I didn't hear what you wife wants.

I think it's a losing battle to get between your wife and the rest of her family. If you are concerned about your wife staying with her mother, tell this to your wife. If your wife agrees with you then let your wife argue with her mother. When it comes right down to it your wife is an adult and she can live where ever she wants regardless of what her mother says, even regardless of what you say.