any good jokes?

Question

dose anybody have any good jokes tell me them please were having a joke of in school its lame we have to do it

Answer 1

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.

The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "No, not at all."

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

Answer 2

A little girl asks a man to go get some Texas water on foot from and get her pictures from the library. He's goes on foot for 4000 miles because he nearly gets run over, had a fight with a police officer and old teacher, went for three days without food or water, got a full bucket of Texas water, put the pictures in his mouth be cause the bucket was so big and walked all the way back to Canada and...
the little girl said "I'm sorry, my friend got it all done. You can go home.". With those words and what he did just for her, he threw the bucket on her head and stuck the pictures down her damp dress, and creating stains in her dress. She got so mad she yelled "How dare you! I absolutely hate you!". But she didn't notice for just a couple seconds that it was her father all along. Imagine that.

Answer 3

A guy walks into a bar, with 3 ducks right behind him. After a while, he tells the bartender he has to go to the john, and to watch his "talking ducks". While he's gone, the bartender looks down at the first duck, and asks "What's your name?". "Huey", the duck replies. "How are you, Huey?". "I'm fine. I've been in and out of puddles all day". He then asks the second duck his name, and the duck replies "Dewey". When asked about his day, he replies "I've had a wonderful day. I've been in and out of puddles all day". The bartender looks at the third duck and asks "Is your name Louie?", to which the duck replies "No, it's Puddles, and I've had a lousy day!!!"

Answer 4

Here's one for all you Bush lovers out there.
Several years from now President Bush passes on, as we all will some day. When he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "there is no way you can go to heaven, you'll have to go hell." President Bush got to hell and Satan meets him at the door. "Follow me, you can have your choice of 3 rooms, made just for ex-presidents to spend eternity in." In the first room was Lyndon B. Johnson, waist deep in human sh-t. "No way, I don't wanna do that for eternity," Bush says. They go to the next room and there is Richard Nixon, knee deep in cowsh-t. Bush says, "Well, that's a little better, but that's still not for me." So they go to third room and there lies Bill Clinton, totally naked, with Monica Zelinski giving him a blo_job. "Hey, now this one's for me. I could do that for eternity." Satan looks into the room and says, "Okay Monica, your're out of here."

Answer 5

Okay, here goes. This man goes to see his elderly father in the hospital. The older man says he has to call his visit short because he has to take his 'Hot Cocoa and his Viagra' for the night. Shocked the man walks up to the nurse and asks "Is it true, that you give him Viagra?", the nurse looks at him and replies-"The hot cocoa helps him to sleep at night and the Viagra keeps him from falling out of bed". :)

Answer 6

haha good well i acquired a intercourse comic story for you desire you adore it :) on listening to that her grandad had simply died kate went and visited her nan to remedy her whilst she requested how he died her nan replyed via sayin that he had had a middle assault whilst makin love two her kate stated that it used to be foolish that two historic folks in which havin intercourse because it used to be askin for problem her nan replyed via sayin that they used to do it to the gradual velocity of the church bells because it used to be simply the proper velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on via sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive at present'' :) xxx

Answer 7

Without playing games, don’t be available 100% of the time or let your life be an open book. A man that comes on too strong or doesn’t have outside interests will scare a woman away just as much as it would if the circumstances were reversed. Read here http://AttractAnyWoman.emuy.info/?1E9d

Women don’t want to feel as though they are completely responsible for your happiness and that is what it feels like when the other person has no outside interests. Men who are overeager or jump when the woman says jump are the ones who are more likely to end up in the friend zone. This doesn’t mean that you should play the game of not calling for a few days; it means that you should set healthy boundaries until you both naturally find a spot for the other in your lives.

Answer 8

UR GONNA DIE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.



TONIGHTS THE NIGHT
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"




GETTING INTO HEAVEN
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her *** in it."



2000 POUNDS OF DYNAMITE
A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" Polly then replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"



WHY CONDONS COME IN BOXES OF 3 6 AND 12

.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies,

"Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."



He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.

One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."



He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and

TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,



"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March AND and so on"





WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN A man was sitting on a beach and he had no arms and no legs.
Three women walking past felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The bloke said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked away.
Then the second! woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The bloke said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked away.
Then the third woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been ******?"
The bloke said "Nooo", with glee in his eyes.
So she said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"


hope i helped kay

Answer 9

I tell ya, I don't get no respect at all. Why the other day I went to the proctologist..............he stuck his finger in my mouth!

Answer 10

Yes, I have a ton of innapropriate ones. Gimme a minute. Okay, here they are:

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”



Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These d**n girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'



A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."



Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a d**n teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a d**n train going around the d**n tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a d**n bike leaning up against the d**n garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a d**n dog, but I can’t find the son of a B*****!”



The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."



A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up, I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her friend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later, the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"


Did you hear the one about Johnny Humperfaster? I'll tell you...

First of all, Johnny's daddy's the principal of his school. One day at an afterschool detention, Johnny told the teacher to take her shirt off. She replied No. So, he said I'm gonna tell my Daddy!
He also asked her to take off her skirt and her pantyhose and she again of course said no and Johnny replied I'm gonna tell my Daddy. Next thing you know it, she's on the desk being humped by Jason. Dad walks in and screams "Jason Humperfaster!" He said "But Daddy, I can't possibly hump her any faster."

I got some of these from this joke section. I give all credit to the people who made them up, and take absolutely no credit for the ones I didn't make.