my only daughter has suddenly given me 3 months notice of her forthcoming wedding in Australia to a man I have met once only. She hopes I will contribute to costs and give her away. I love her dearly but don't know how I can afford to pay towards wedding and fares/expenses to Australia as well, plus loss of income while away as I have little savings. It seems unfair that I have had no say in any arrangements and little time to prepare or save up. The ex seems reluctant to contribute either saying I should use my credit card! Should I pay and not attend or is my presence there the most important thing? Should I take out a loan and stuff the consequences? The date was fixed to co-incide with her mother's pre-arranged trip out there but I feel my circumstances were not taken into consideration. Am I being selfish? Will I regret not going for the rest of my life?
2006-10-21 00:08:18 · 29 answers · asked by currymistress 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
No you shouldnt pay - you are being used as a money machine and your feelings havent even been considered - its just been taken for granted that you will cough up. Its one day for heavens sake - why spend years paying it off. If your daughter etc cant afford it then they'll have to plump for a smaller wedding wont they - it wont kill them. Marrage is about love and commitment - not who has the poshest do !!!!!! Call your daughter and explain you have NOT got the funds - tell her that either you can be there to share the day or you can give her a small amount of money and miss the wedding. A daughter who truly loves you will want you there and say so. If she says she wants the money then you'll know its all about money grabbing. I wish you luck xx
2006-10-21 00:16:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your daughter and her fiancé are mid 20s or older and have therefore been working for a few years then current thinking is that they should pay for the wedding but the parents should contribute in some way if they can afford to.
Have you asked her what contribution she hopes you will make? Perhaps she's thinking in terms of a few quid behind the bar, or the cost of the flowers, or the cake - that's all. But you should speak to her and explain the situation. I'm sure the last thing she would want is for you to be paying off loan instalments for years to come. Your daughter has perhaps got caught up in the excitement of everything and not paused to give thought to your circumstances.
What is important is that you are there to give her away. For both your sakes. Flights to Australia aren't cheap but if you do a bit of surfing, perhaps even ask a question on here! you might be able to get a good deal. Good luck, and enjoy the wedding!
2006-10-21 00:20:17 · answer #2 · answered by pompeii 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with most people here that you should go but do not borrow money from Credit card company. They are sharks.
and explain to your daughter you love her so much that you are digging out the bottom of the drawer to help her, and because of the short notice and the additional expenses on air ticket, you can only afford that much.
You don't want to upset her, you still have to keep the relationship after she got married. But she should know that she shouldn't push you into this situation too.
There are two scenario, she will get more contributions from you if you stay in Britian because you have saved your ticket, but you are not at her wedding. Or she will get less contribution from you but you support her at her wedding on the day.
For you, the second option obviously is better. Although for her I'm not sure which one she prefers.
also, I think you have the right to be at your daughter's wedding after all these year's education and upbringing.
good luck
2006-10-21 21:53:58 · answer #3 · answered by Ruth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter has not thought this through from your side. Obviously a girl needs her mother there and that was a first thought, but having her father give her away is also as important - she needs both of you there.
All the trappings of a fancy wedding are wonderful, but what really matters are the people that are there and the spirit in which the wedding takes place. Money cannot buy that.
Talk calmly to your daughter and explain the financial situation. Make sure you tell her how much you love her and that you will of course be there to give her away, but that you cannot afford to contribute to costs as well as be there. Be gentle and loving as she may have been caught up with the fantasies a big wedding can create. When she thinks it through properly she will surely realise that having both her parents there at her wedding, fulfilling their traditional roles, is the best gift she could ask for.
Good luck.
2006-10-21 00:30:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nobody's got a gun to your head to force you to have a wedding. If you can't afford a wedding, then you either put off the marriage until you can afford what you want, or you get married at the courthouse now and accept that that's your one and only wedding. There's no way in hell that your fiance allows you guys to "live comfortably" if you live with his parents and are throwing a wedding that you can't even afford. If all you can afford is cake and coffee, then that's what you serve. If someone complains about it then you shrug and say, "Well, sorry you feel that way, but this is what we can afford. If you feel that we should host a meal, I'd be more than happy to accept a check from you and then plan whatever kind of meal you'd like me to serve. Or if you want to pay for groceries and help me cook, we can host a little lunch at the house. But if we have to pay for it ourselves, then cake and coffee is what we can do." Be an adult and either work for what you want or accept that you can't always get what you want. Inviting people to your wedding and then telling them to pay their own way is absolutely disgusting of you. No cutesy poem, verse, or saying is going to hide the fact that you're greedy and rude. Set an example for your innocent child and do the right thing ... a pay-your-own-way is the absolute pinnacle of tackiness, rudeness, and entitlement, and by doing this you're only dragging this poor child deeper and deeper into this train wreck.
2016-05-22 07:19:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is your daughter who is selfish. She has given you no consideration whatsoever. There are economy flights which you can find through the Internet. You ought to go but you also ought to contact your daughter and tell her you cannot contribute towards costs because of short notice. Can't they come over here some time after their wedding in Australia and then (if you can afford it) you could arrange a Church blessing and small party for them?
2006-10-21 02:25:49 · answer #6 · answered by Sandee 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, the two of them sound a little immature in that they didn't consider your circumstances before arranging this "hasty" wedding. I think that you probably should go, but make it clear that since the cost of the air fare is prohibitive, you will only be able to give them a "modest" gift and will not be able to pay for the wedding either. This way, you can attend the wedding, give your daughter away, but not bankrupt yourself in the process. Plus, you'll create a lot of nice memories and will make your daughter happy..Good Luck!
2006-10-21 00:14:44 · answer #7 · answered by cheyennetomahawk 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is your only daughter and you love her dearly. You should show that love by attending the wedding. That will be the greatest gift you can give her. Life is short and we always regret for things we don't do for our children. Whether you know the guy or not, or you did not have a say in the arrangements is irrelevant. Except her decision and show your love by attending the wedding and being beside her.
Good luck.
2006-10-21 00:19:13 · answer #8 · answered by Artguer 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two things occur to me.
The first is that you are being taken for granted. The second is that if you do not go, you will probably always regret it.
So I think you should take a small loan (make it small!!!) & tell your daughter that you can only contribute a little money to the wedding. If she loves you, she wil understand that you have taken a loan to be on the other side of the world for her special day...& that should be enough for her.
Good luck.
2006-10-21 00:13:53 · answer #9 · answered by Well, said Alberto 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should absolutely attend even if you ahve to charge some of the cost of the trip. Yes, you would regret not attending.
No, you are not responsible for helping the couple pay for their wedding, especially if you are unable to. Adults pay for their own weddings. The couple should have created their budget based on what THEY intended to spend themselves, not what they anticipated their parents would be contributing. They should not have assumed you were helping to pay, if you did not volutnteer to pay for anything.
Maybe in one or two years when budget allows you can give them a nice anniversary present rather than giving a gift at this time, or contributing to the wedding. That's IF this hasty wedding sticks together. (Don't tell them now that you'll be gifting them in the future, just do it.)
2006-10-21 06:07:47 · answer #10 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋