just discovered my 13 year old daughter smokes and drinks?

Question

iv grounded her stoped pocket money , when she was aloud back out she done it again im worried she will be having sex next what can i do am i a bad mum . i had her when i was 18 and iv told her how hard it was to be a single mum . iv tried getting her int activities after school and she just pushes them aside

Answer 1

This is every parents nightmare - when the child starts roaming the streets smoking and drinking - you are not a bad mother - I think nearly ALL children go through this stage - welcome to the terrible teens! The more you say 'no' the more they'll rebel and do it just to wind you up and exert their independence. All you can do is reassure yourself that it is a phase in their development. Don't tell them 'no', tell them that you're dissappointed, but that it's their choice. Do tell them the dangers of smoking and drinking - and that you'll not be paying for them to do this. If they must smoke and drink - fine - BUT not in your house, and they can pay for it themselves. Don't worry about them having sex - again, tell her your thoughts, educate her as to why it can be better to wait a while, educate her on the dangers of unprotected sex, teach her on the birds and the bees - and then let her make up her mind. Teenagers really will do as they please - all you can do is educate them and hope that they make the right decisions in the end. Also, remember that people learn from their mistakes - as painful as it may be to watch your child make mistakes - they will learn. Try and remember back to your teenage years - a well meant piece of advice no doubt went in one ear and out the other!

The only line I draw is with drugs - this is a downward spiral. If you ever find drugs - inform the police - hopefully this would scare them out of any future experimenting.

I hope this helps - and please don't doubt your mothering abilities just because you were young when you had your daughter - so what that you were young - I bet you still love her just the same as you would had you waited.

Answer 2

You obviously have the start of some potentially difficult situations. Making sure your daughter understands that you believe she's made bad choices is really important, but she's going to need someone to talk to, someone she knows will stick by her.

Remember that even if she does bad things, that doesn't make her a bad person and she's going to need to know that too. There are likely problems or issues in her world that need to be resolved and if you are the enemy, your not going to be the one she goes to. I think this is going to be a lot more difficult for you if she is pursuing a lifestyle that is different from yours.

I new many people in that age group who did lots of bad things when I was a kid. Granted that was in a different time, but none the less, many of them have grown up to be upstanding citizens. Some of them not so much, but if I look back at my high school class, as many of the strait kids did nothing with their lives.

She is going to do what she is going to do one way or another. In the end you can't stop her. So guide her, help her and love her. When she screws up, get mad at her, but support her. With a little luck, and the faith that you've done the best you can, everything will turn out fine.

Good luck.

Answer 3

She is 13 and still too young to be making decisions like this on her own. However, because she is 13, she feels she is grown up enough to make those decisions. So, the best thing you can do is be tough, but fair with her. Try sitting her down and explaining that this behavior is not acceptable. Then try and work out with her alternatives to that behavior and lay out a plan of action - one you can live with and follow through with. If you smoke or drink the first time - this will happen. If it happens again - this will happen. And then, if she does not respond to this, get really tough on her. Take away anything and everything that she considers important. Take her to and from school, find family and friends who can help you enforce your rules. Take away radio, TV, phone, ground her. Do what it takes to make her realize that she is too young to be doing these things. At least, that's what I did with my daughter. She is now 18 and has really done well for herself. Good luck.

Answer 4

I did this when i was young. i had my son when i was 18 too. you are not a bad mom. If were i i think i would start thinking outside the square though. words only get you so far in these circumstances. I thin i would have to start looking into getting her to see a counsellor. I would get her to volunteer helping people in my community. We have homeless hostels here and i think some real life would be great for her.

I don't know you or your daugther but when i think about me and why i did it i know the reasons. I had no ambition. I had no self esteem. I was acting out. And that is what i think she is doing. Don't muck with this. take her to a professional. I wish my parents did.

I will tell you something else, this past i have has nothing to do with my parents. My parents are awesome. I was just trying to find myself.


Good luck honey and have faith in yourself.

Answer 5

First off good for you for raising a child when you were one yourself. I know you have done the best you could and believe me, it's not because you had her young. I had my son when I was 26, he's 16 now, just came home drunk the other night. We only drink perhaps twice a year, I was married when I had him, divorced now that. I came from a loving home with 2 parents that had us in their 20's and they are now on a cruise celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary. I drank, experimented with drugs, my sister DID IT ALL, my brother is a horrible father. SO WHAT. We did what we wanted to do no matter how our parents raised us. Now, like I said, my son just came home drunk, on a school night no less : ) like that makes a difference. The best advise I got, from here, was talk to your child, talk, not yell. We always talk so that was easy. Get some one on one alone time. Discuss the dangers of their actions and punishment will not work. You are taking a negative situation and dealing with it by giving out another negative making that child angry on top of seeing them make mistakes. Sure, restriction such as curfews, instead of giving an allowance, put it in the bank for the child, and having a weekly time to discuss things with your child will help. Prayers also help too, if you believe. I have a special night set up with just my son. Once a week, sometimes elaborate, sometimes just sitting and watching his favorite show with him. It helps and if something better comes up on his plate, we reschedule. Sure, he still makes mistakes, but we're able to talk about them. He was offered drugs many, many times and came to me instead of doing them. Yep, he still took a few drinks though. We all make mistakes, even our kids and it hurts when we see them doing it. Be strong, but not mean. Treat with kind, gentle words. GOOD LUCK. You're a good mom for caring.

Answer 6

You r not a bad mum. being an only parent isn't easy at all but u see, u can endure. as for ur daughter, i think u should be as strict as possible at her. No outings, always at home,no bad movies and dont do all the things u used to do with her. she would realize her mistake and change.
You could also take a to a motherless babies home and let her see what happens to people who do those things. But make sure that u NEVER leave her alone as she would need u to grow.

Answer 7

Its peer group pressure. Hopefully she will outgrow this phase quickly. However I think you need to keep a more watchful eye on her,like picking her up after school and not letting her go out unsupervised. You might end up being the baddy but better that than a drug addicted ,pregnant daughter at 15. Good luck I don't envy you.

Answer 8

Well coming from a mom of 5, I know how your feeling.I Haven't personally had this happen to me yet, but I'm sure it will, since my kids are all getting older and I already have 3 teenage boys. But have you tried sitting down with her, and just talking... I mean , I don't now how it is where you live, but my kids aren't allowed out of the house or with friends unless I know where they are going and who they will be with. and I give them my cell so I can check up on them. Maybe you should see about getting her some counseling.... or just someone she can talk to if she won't talk to you.
good luck Hun

Answer 9

your not a bad mum a lot of people go through this.. my mum went through this with me and i grow out of it and when i turned 18 i did not wanna drink or smoke because it was not fun anymore hiding from older people now i am a mum of 2 and i hope my kids don't do what i did but if they do i will be there for them 100%

Answer 10

Tell her that if she continues she wont get her drivers licence when the time comes or goto prom or enything else. and then stick to it. do whatever you have to. Ground her for longer periods of time each time she does something wrong. But the key is to stick to it. dont ever waiver.