Mother left us with no explanation...?

Question

My mother gave me and my sister up to my father when we were 3 and 6 months old. She went on to raise two more kids on her own. Although this was almost thirty years ago, she still has not explained herself. She never told us why. When we bring up things my father has said about it she just gets mad and says that is not the way it was. But again she will not talk about it. My question is doesnt she owe us an explanation or is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?

I forgot to tell you that my father has passed. My mom recently got mad at me and will not talk to me because I called her and my step mother my "moms". My step mother raised me since I was 6 months old and i feel my mom has no right to judge me and my feelings because she is the one who put me in the situation I was in. My mom recently told me I dont know what went on and I dont know her....
Well, if she would explain to us what did go on maybe I would have a different opinion...but she will not speak about it.

Answer 1

I feel for you. It's easy for me to say, but your mother is sure being very immature. A child does not ask to be born, did she forget that? if it was your father she was angry at, why take it out on you and your sister? These are just a couple questions I would ask her in a letter. Doesn't mean she will answer tho. Does she realize anyone can give birth to a child, but to be a "mother" takes quite a special person. Your stepmother is that person. She has been a blessing from God. I know it truly must be hurtful about your biological mother, but thank goodness you and your sister had a guardian angel to watch over you. Count your blessings, and live a good life-and if you have children, love them extra double.

Answer 2

Sometimes situation such as this can be approached in a letter. Since your mother won't hear you out completely or give an explanation then maybe expressing your thoughts and feelings in a letter will help her to understand your need to understand what happened long ago. If she is so convinced that your father's story isn't the way it happened then she should clarify what did happen in her own words. Explain to her that it's not easy, emotionally, to grow up knowing your mother left you behind. But now you are an adult and can handle the truth. Since your step mother has raised you along with your father since you were a baby then you have every right to acknowledge her as a mother. After all it takes more than a title to be a mother or father. If she doesn't like it then it is her problem to deal with not yours. It seems to me that your mother can't come to terms with her past for whatever reasons unknown.She has no right to be angry with you or your sister for a situation that was brought on between your father and her. If she wants you to know it wasn't her fault then she needs to speak up and start telling her side. Saying "that's not the way it was" and getting upset with you then leaving it as that, is not very convincing. Good Luck.

Answer 3

That generation belives completely differently than we do about what should be kept private and what should be discussed. We are very open about everything and want answers. Maybe she has an explanation, but you need to consider that maybe she doesn't. Maybe she feels guilty because she knows what she did was wrong but she doesn't know how to apologize and offer "no explanation" and there is no way she can make up for all those lost years.

I think you and your sister should sit down with her and explain the reasons why you want to know this information. Tell her that she is part of who you are and you want to understand what happened. Maybe it's too painful for her to talk about. Maybe something happened so devastating she felt leaving was the only choice. I'm not trying to give her an out here. I personally feel she should tell you SOMETHING. Just try to think about how this must make her feel to be faced with the shame of just walking away from her family (which by all appearances it is). It's not going to be easy for any of you involved.

If you feel you HAVE to have resolution on this to go on by all means talk to her and let her know how important it is to you. But if you have the power to just forgive her and let it go that is what you really should do.

God bless you & your family. I pray He will give you peace in this most difficult situation.

Answer 4

hi, i to was left by my mother, i was adopted though, i had a lot of issues with how could a mother give up her kid? just didn't make any sense to me. and then when i became a mother of three my self and my husband left me and my babies with no car no money and no where to live i asked my family for help because i didn't want my kids to do with out and at the time i had nothing to offer them. i felt that they deserved better and i knew that they would be taken care of. no one knows what we would do if in their place so it is hard to say what or why that that happened. but one thing is for sure, you only get one real mom and that is not to say that the other lady didn't take care of you and she does deserve respect, but i am sure that your mom has her reasons for what she did and i guarantee it was in your best interest. maybe she is just embarrassed and don't want to admit she was having it hard back then or maybe she just don't want to see you be upset or mad at someone close to you. if you could find it in your heart to forgive her and maybe begin a new relationship with her. your gonna be a mom soon and when that day comes you will see things so differently and you will find out that you do need her and I'm sure she needs you. good luck

Answer 5

Will her explanation at this stage help you by any means ? If so she owe you explanation. Otherwise it is just leading to further mental agony/punishment.
So if the explanations doesn't serve any purposes why to create a unusual environment ?
[e-mail]

Answer 6

this is deep.
I cannot even help you but I do believe if you corner her about it, like get her in a room with yourself and you sib when she is older and dont let her out, she will eventually break down and talk.

You know the book " the color of water" by Andrew McBride. It's a biography of what his mother finally told him about himself ( he is part Jewish and part black). His mom never told him about her Jewish past ( she was practically abandoned by her family for going with a black man) and raised 12 kids on her own. In the book he says, she told me , more out of a favor to me than for anything else, so sometimes it takes awhile for people to face their past.
The difference is Jame's dad died, so he never got anything until he was in his 30's, you have your dad, and it sounds like you can get a pretty good story out of him. So you may just have to wait for her.

but be warned, the journey McBride took to learn about himself led him to tears, just be careful. Otherwise,


HAVE FUN, enjoy what you DO know about yourself.

Answer 7

she does owe you a explanation ....i would set a time limit[ and give it to her] and tell her that she needs to open up to you and your sister...if she cares at all she will talk to you and expain. yu and your sister deserve this from her...if she does not open up to both of you, tell her that you and her sister do not want to visit with her until she will sit down with you. [i understand this is hard for one to do this.. yet it is clear she is the person that needs to talk, i hope this works for you............

Answer 8

Don't judge her. I am sure she judges herself enough for all of you.

Answer 9

huh..????! sorry..!! bouncing out of my mind ...ur Ques..!