Family grudge and the right thing to do?

Question

My guy just asked for me to introduce him to my parents. I already met his and we are dating seriously.

My family doesn't know anything about him yet. The problem is that I hate my parents and my inmediate family (long story), and I haven't spoke to them in two years. I really hate them and don't wish to speak to them ever again. I left home 10 years ago and live far away from them.

He knows that I don't like my family, but this seems to mean a lot to him. We're dating seriously and taking steps towards marriage and I want to do the right thing. I know that he is the one and I wanna do right by him. I guess that me not telling them about him is hurting his feelings.

Should I sacrifice my grudge and talk to them? I love my boyfriend with all my heart and I want to marry him. I don't want to spoil my happiness with my noisy, dramatic, rude, attention getter relatives. I know that if they go to my wedding they are going to ruin it and get attention to themselves

HELP!!!!!!

Thank you for all your thoughtful answers!

Just to add some details, he is not pressuring me into doing it, but I know that my family not knowing about him is making him feel bad, because he is serious about me, so he may see that me not reprocicating could mean that I'm not serous about our relationship.

Perhaps, his mother had asked him questions about meeting MY parents since we are dating seriously. They could read that as me not being serious! They are a very traditional, respected, upper-class family.... and my relatives are cruel, spiteful, selfabsorved people... aghhhh

Answer 1

Its too bad that you feel this could be a deal-breaker.

If he's really this great guy you describe, he will understand and not push when you explain that you are estranged from your relatives, you have absolutely nothing to do with them and for all intents and purposes you have disowned your family.
Along with this explanation (and we don't need to know all the sordid details) you may want to synopsize for him the reason(s) you no longer contact your family. Tell him it is equivalent to you being orphaned - NO FAMILY means no family. End of story.

In other words, when you say this, it should mean that you HAVE no family, and he should learn to accept that.

If he cannot and continues to pester you about the matter, give him their address and tell him to have a fabulous time visiting these strangers you're genetically connected to, but want nothing to do with. If someone is that manipulating and controlling as to not accept your point of view on something you hold so strong a view of, then maybe it IS a deal-breaker...and rightfully so.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I mostly agree with you about not wanting anything more to do with your relatives and leave it at that, but to show respect to your fiance and so as not to hurt his feelings, you could make it very simple. Call your parents, simply let them know you are dating someone seriously and will probably get married, then hang up the phone. You told them and that is all that needed done. You don't have to stay on the phone and "fake" gab with them. Just hang up. You don't even need to call your other relatives. Your parents I'm sure will do it. Then go back to living your normal life. Best of luck.

Answer 3

write to your family and tell them that you are seriously dating a wonderful guy and taking steps towards marriage. That puts the next move in their court. Wait and see if they want to meet him. And if they do...arrange a short dinner meeting on neutral territory. And depending on how that goes...if you don't ask them to help pay for the wedding and have it far away from their home...they don't need to be there. And remember the old "divide and conquer", don't surround you and your guy with all of them at the same time.

Answer 4

No-you should not introduce him to your family. If you, as an adult, have chosen for whatever reason not to be involved with your family, there is no reason to introduce him.

You are only doing it because he wants you to. He should respect that you do not have a relationship with your family and should leave it alone. He should love you to enough to understand. He may not like it, but he should accept it and love you regardless.

You know your family better than he does and he should trust in your decision being that it is best for the both of you now and in the long run.

Good luck.

Answer 5

This is a toughie.
Why don't you send them a letter telling them your intentions. If your boyfriend r-e-a-l-l-y pushes this, call them on the phone and let him talk with them.

If being in contact with your family is causing you this much stress, it is unfair for your boyfriend to ask you to do this just because he needs to feel accepted by them. Assure him it isn't because you are embarrassed by him or that you don't love him. If you have been away from your family this long and are happy, let sleeping dogs lie.
When & if you are ready, you'll make peace.
And I would not include them in my wedding plans, either.

Answer 6

At this point, these people are strangers to you. It shouldn't hurt his feelings that you're not discussing your relationship with strangers. You might as well take him down to the bus station, walk up to someone waiting for a bus, and introduce your boyfriend.

You should let him know that his insistence in wanting you to speak with these people is hurting you. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to shut them out of your life. I think it's fairly inconsiderate of him to insist on bringing them back into your life, considering that it must be opening up a bunch of old wounds that were close to healing.

I'm certain that he wouldn't want to cause you pain...If you can communicate clearly that re-connecting with your family would be painful, I'm sure he'd back down on his request.

Answer 7

This may be a way to open the lines of communication again. What about sending a card to them and asking them to call you to talk? That way you're leaving the next step up to them. If they want to speak to you, they call, if not, you don't have to speak to them. No matter what, explain to your boyfriend and let him be in on your plans to make the first move.

Answer 8

Oh Honey, I feel for you!!

If you have told your bf about how you don't like your family, he should be more understanding.

Maybe he feels that the 10 years could of changed everyone. BUT you know what? We all do change and grow, but YOU CAN't EVER GO HOME .
It's not the home you left and it's not the same one there.

Is it possible for you to go ahead and make the trip, but not invite any of them to your wedding?

Geez.......hard to help you, wish I could!
Your honey should understand your feelings.

Answer 9

I would explain that you have cut all ties with your family. and that while you respect ,love and cherish him your family would be the in laws from hell. You have not had contact with them in 10 years and would appreciate everyone leaving it that way. If you were an Orphan it would be easier, but at least you were honest, and told them you have an estranged family, that quite possibly could ruin your new life

Answer 10

If you family has done something like molest you, allow someone to molest you, neglected and abused you, allowed someone to hurt you, etc...if you family are evil and dangerous, then stick to your guns and have no contact with them.

Let you bf know that you don't talk to your family because of (state your reason). Let him know that speaking to them is not an option. Tell him that it has absolutely nothing to do with him but the fairytale family does not exist for you. Tell him that they will not be invited to your wedding and they will have nothing to do with your children. You must convey to him the severity of the situation. Tell him that this is your reality and to love and accept you mean that he must accept this about you.