Am I being selfish for thinking my hubby should not support his sister so much?

Question

My sister -in -law is a single mom with two kids from different fathers.She decided that she did not want them to support the kids.She is at university now and her mom is taking care of her kids while my hubby financially supports them.She has always been fortunate enough to get help from both her mom and her brother,my hubby, while she does her own thing.
I have nothing against going back to school but my husband and I are working damned hard to make ends meet for our family let alone his sister's but I have said nothing to him about it.Should I keep it to myself

At the moment my hubby is reurbishing an apartment for his mom to kease out for extra income.He also sends money for his sister's rent,utility bills,food,books,uniforms for any emergencies.
P.S This is the second time trying at uni.The first time she got pregnant with her second child 3 months into college.Her mom and dad paid over £4000 for her course but that just went down the drain

When my sister wanted to go to college she got herself a job,paid a rent and had to help out with the babysitting but with my husband's sis it's much different.My sis has no kids but she had to get the funding for herself because my husband send that he was not financially capable of helping her

Answer 1

You ought to be honest with your husband, it is not good for the marriage carrying round this resentment

Answer 2

Yes I think you should discuss this with your husband, if it were the other way round and it was your sister/brother you were both supporting how would you feel. Now you know the answer. Family does come first I do honestly believe that, but I don't know if I would be able to go as far as supporting my sisters and their kids while they get educated, some single parents get an education and work part time to make ends meet, and the first person giving her financial support should be one or both of the dads, has she heard of the benefit system, they help single people trying to find their way back to work. Good luck with this one, its obviously driving you mad, it would me 2, would like to know how it all goes.

Answer 3

It sounds like your sister in-law takes advantage to your husbands help as well as her parents. I think it's great she's going to school but at the same time I think she should take some responsibilities besides just going to school. I'd defiantly talk to your hubby and tell him your feelings. I've known some people who go to school, hold down a job and have their own place. I mean it would be one thing if she was going to school, paying her own bills and a family member volunteered to help with the kids but sounds like all she's doing is going to school and letting others worry about the rest.

Answer 4

No, don't keep it to yourself. Let the numbers speak for you. Get a month budget for you household. List all the expenses you have and see what you will have left after all of your obligations are met. Don't forget to include savings. If you are not able to save at least 15% of you income, you two should not be giving so much money away. He is taking care of his sis now, but who is going to take care of you two because you didn't save.

Let your husband know that you think that it is great that he wants to help his family. Talk with your husband about setting parameters and boundaries for his "help". Determine a set amount of money that you will give and a set amount of time that you will give it for. Let your husband know that he he pays for thing for her, she will never become self-sufficient. She will always rely on him and he will have to take care of his sis for the rest of her life. Let him know that he is not really helping her become independent when he pays for everything. Let him know that his sister needs a job to help support herself. You want to be supportive but you don't want to be an enabler for her to remain irresponsible.

Answer 5

Tricky, I can see how awkward this is for you.
How about saying this to him e.g. 'I don't want a row but this niggles and it will continue to niggle unless I can get this off my chest. I think it's great you are so supportive of your sister, but sometimes I feel we are struggling to make ends meet, let alone help out (say her name)'s family. Do you think we have the balance right?'
The idea is to concentrate on negotiation and discussion.
There are a lot of issues here. For instance, do you feel she is getting support where you are not? Are you worried that this support is indefinate? How do you feel about her refusing to accept support of two people who have a moral duty to support their offspring, but is happy to accept financial support of someone who has a family of his own to support? Aren't these children entitled to see their fathers (unless there is a history of abuse towards her or them)?
I would be interested to know if she is the youngest in her family.
I am with you on this, I would be in conflict if I were in your situation.

I have just read your addition. It seems to me that her family have got into a habit of rescuing her, instead of letting her learn from her mistakes. How about bringing this up and negotiating some boundaries here, such as negotiating a fixed amount that can be spared from the family budget. Point out this girl is never going to learn how to manage her finances if she knows someone will cough up the money, and you have your own children's college funds to think of. It's called tough love.

Answer 6

This answer depends: If you and your husband keep your finance separately apart from paying for your house and bills etc, then once all these are paid, once he does his share for your house, it's up to him what to do with the rest of his money. But if your and his money are together, that means he is paying his sister with your money too. Then of course you'll start thinking ' how about my sister?' Or how about changing my car? how about renewing our furniture? '... As for sister, she is spoilt and does not know how to take responsibility, does she? Look, her mum is there to look after kids and her brother is there to pay the uni fees again and again... well let's hope she is not pregnant again.

Answer 7

i can imagine the confusion in your head right now...keeping your marriage out of problem and also worried over the the bug.well,i would say you should overlook and swallow this or else it would cause a big fight in your home.i once had a similar case that my hubby abandoned a project he was handling for me,,just to take on the financial responsibility of his cousin's marriage and it took him eight months to recover.it was so painful and when i tried to talk about it,it led us into a big fight.i regretted bringing up the issue because i was misconstrued as being selfish.

Answer 8

I think it is good cause if she uses the money for a good cause. If she is squandering it, it is not worth it to help. I do not know the circumstances, but you have every right to be selfish in my mind. It is her fault that she did it with two seperate men. Now, other people are supporting her. Is she greatful? Will she ever be able to stand on her own two feet? I say offer support for as long as you can, and then tell her she is on her own. It's good to help, but not good if she is sapping your family as a result!

Answer 9

There comes a point where enough is enough.His family is important to him though,so give him some time.When the sister gets out of school,cut the pipeline.Sounds like she is very irresponsible.Allowing the fathers to avoid their obligations is also unacceptable.Buy her a giant box of condoms with instructions and wait and see.

Answer 10

No, I think you have every right to say something, and to be concerned. After all it is affecting your life and your family. Sounds like the sister-in-law should accept more responsibility for her own actions and children. Just be careful how you approach this and be nice but firm. Gerald

Answer 11

Your sister in law is doing nothing but using her family to pay her way,its disgusting behaviour and yes you should tell your hubby that it has to stop.Or you should approach her and tell her it cannot go on,how long is this to continue for until or if she graduates a year into her profession or do you not know.