How do I get her to be honest?

Question

We had a ridiculously great realtionship for a few months, but lately things have been a little rocky. She has become withdrawn but we have talked about it. She said she is scared she is going to hurt me because she has hurt people in her past relationships. I want to believe her for obvious reasons, but she also said she went to counseling for this stuff a while back but didn't stick w/ it. Now, I'm not naive. I understand this could very well be a situation where she wants someone else but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. If that's what she wants, I'd have a lot easier time letting her go if she'd just be up front. Any suggestions for getting to the bottom of this, getting her to say YES w/out accusing her of lying?

Answer 1

Instead of you being reassured that the relationship is solid, I think that she needs and wants the reassuring that the relationship can last. She wants that security and attention from you that everything will be alright. She's insecure and very sensitive and she will hurt someone and push someone away first before he will get a chance to hurt her. Has she been burned before? She'd rather be the one that hurts others, so that she won't get burned afterwards. Especially when things are going beautifully in the first few months, she's probably afraid that she may be tooo attached to you, and that you will burn her one day. So she's kinda limiting and barracading her feelings for you. Shes getting defensive cuz she thinks that things that go so well will eventually go bad. Reassure her that you will always be there for her, and that you two can work it out. Also add that your feelings are on the line too. Let me know if you need any more help! GL! ..

Answer 2

It seems as though she is going through a pattern of hers and it needs to stop if she is not willing to do what it takes to keep your relationship together. She needs to stick with the counseling if she really cares. That is a sacraface that is worth taking to save a realtionship that means something.If she does not take that step right now,today then there is no point in waisting both of your time. YOu dont want to ride out the relationship because that could be a long scary roller coaster ride which could end up derailed.

Answer 3

I have been in this situation because I'm a girl and I've broke up with someone for someone else only because the relationship was going bad. Nothing against the guy it's just that we weren't attracting anymore. I said that i didnt want to hurt him either but I never told him that there was someone else. Tell her that it's okay if she wants to be with someone just to tell you who it is and why? Then maybe she'll make up her mind and tell you. There is a possible chance that there is no one else but this really sounds like there is someone else. I am very sorry but maybe she just can't handle a relationship and doesnt know how to tell you. Just have a long talk with her that's how you get a girl's attention.

Answer 4

Ask her straight up. You can't make her be honest though...each person has to choose to be honest on their own. What you CAN do is protect yourself. Ask yourself if she is being fair to YOU! If not, maybe you should take a break from her. Tell her you are going to give her space to figure out what she wants. Chances are...when you pull away, she will quickly want to get her head straight so she doesn't lose you. As long as you let her hold this over you...she will take advantage of you. If you show that you are strong and do not need this....she will probably come back running. If not..maybe you are better off without her.

Answer 5

Wow, that's really rough. I'm sorry. I guess I would just talk about how she hurt people in the past and how did she hurt them in what way. Then see if maybe that has any relation or if it was the same thing over and over. Understand? I hope everything works out. Good luck.

Answer 6

um i know u dont want to hear this, but this girl is a whack job. Probally has a very dramatic, volatile personality which is exciting! But the longer u stay with her, the more youll see how weak a person she is. Shes insecure and will become very clingy. I know ur probally not thinking of marriage, but read what this guy has to say about american women. It will totally open ur eyes.

Answer 7

it sorta sounds like she is using her feelings as a cop out. tell her exactly what you said on here. you'll be hurting less if she comes clean to you now rather than later. don't ask her about cheating, just ask if she doesn't want to be with you.
if she says she does want you, tell her you two need to be able to communicate more so you don't have to feel like this. tell her you will support her if she wants to go back to counciling.
if things remain bad, don't let her take advantage of you. give it a good try, and if it doesn't work, leave. you don't deserve that crap.

Answer 8

So she's unhealthy, insecure, withdrawn, has quit therapy, can't deal with real feelings, and is unable to be honest.
And you want to.. what? Change her? Good luck. You're better off finding a healthy, secure, open, feeling, honest woman than trying to do your armchair psychiatry on this one. Unless you're a licensed therpaist, you can't fix her, so don't you think that your love will save/transform her.

Answer 9

She wants someone else and more than likley she wont tell you. She is probably acting withdrawn and funny so you will break up with her. I used to be that way so I know.

Answer 10

Let her have some space. That is the only thing you can do. Trying to force her to decide quickly will only run her off. It is is meant to be it will be so just be calm and patient and let her figure it out.