tell me a joke?

Question

i'll start, this sandwich walks into a bar andsays, i'll have a pint please, the barman says, sorry i dont serve food

HURRAH

hopefully you can do better.

Answer 1

Two cannibals are eating dinner.

One cannibal says to the other cannibal,

You know, I hate my mother-in-law.

And the other cannibal say,

Well, then just eat your noodles.

Answer 2

A termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bartender here?"

What did the dentist say to his wife while she was making a cake?
"Can I put the filling in?"

Did you hear about the 6 planks standing in a circle?
They were having a board meeting.

Is it true that Anna Rack designed the first overcoat?

One day a famous painter was walking down the street when he saw a girl, a very beautiful girl.
He decided that he must paint her.
Her name was Liza and she agreed to his painting her.
When she went to his studio,she began complaining about this and that.
After a week, he finished the painting and called it the Moaner Liza.


Is the Colosseum in ruins?
No, it's in Rome.

2 men are in a plane about to crash. There is only one parachute.
Man A: "I'll go down first and send it back by air mail."

Answer 3

Head and Shoulders
A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says,

"God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Answer 4

Here's a lame one:

What do you call a very good lawyer?

A master debater!

NOW A FUNNY ONE

On a farm lived a family. A mother, father and their spoilt son. The son, before breakfast, decided to out into the barn to play. A little later, his mum called him in for breakfast. On the way in, the son kicks a cow, a chicken, and a pig.

The mother, seeing this, sets down a bowl of dry cereal at the boy's place. When the boy sits down, he looks at the food with distaste and demands, "Why are you giving me this food?"

The mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for you as a punishment. You kicked the pig, so no bacon. And you kicked the chicken so no eggs."

The boy's father strides in and adds, "Now I want you to think about what you did, young man and go to your room."

Angry, the boy strides out. On the way, he kicks the family cat.

The father turns to the mother and says, "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

Answer 5

Four men get stranded on a desrted island. They have no food so they starve. One of the men dies and the others are on the verge of dying from lack of food. One of the men suggests that so they don't die, they should eat the dead man. Reluctantly, the others agree but they start arguing. They argue over how they are going to split the food. One of the men says that they should eat one part of the man each then keep the rest for later. They can't decide which part of the man to eat so another one of the men says that they should use the football teams they support to decide which part of the man to eat. The first man who was scottish supported hearts so he decided to eat the heart. The other two men were english. One of them supported liverpool so he ate the liver. The third man said he would rathe starve because he didn't want to eat his part of the man. He supported ARSEnal!

ha ha ha

Answer 6

there was a big town named (''Gam ni shi panchat mua gam ni shi panchat'') in that town there was a big mansion, at the entrance of the mansion there was a big gate after u open the gate and go inside towards the mansion there is a big door to enter the mansion. after u open the door there is a big sitting room when u pass the sitting room there are 2 ways 1 way goes towards the kitchen and other goes towards the swimming pool , take the way towards the swimming pool and then b4 u reach the swimming pool there r another 2 ways to go 1 goes to swimming pool and other goes towards the gym , then take the turn towards the gym and walk 20 steps after u walk 20 steps there r another 2 ways to go 1 goes towards the gym and other goes towards the statue of the Christ. i m swearing that Christ that i don't know how to tell a joke........

Answer 7

Lesson for ungratefull guys!
A married couple in there sixties are visited by a fairy
who grants them both one wish. I want to travel round the
world with my husband said the wife.... two tickets magically
appear in her hand.
Husband says sorry love but my wish is to have a wife thirty
years youngerthan me....So the fairy waves her magic wand
and the husband becomes 92

Answer 8

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and dials the emergency services.

He gasps "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator says "Calm down, I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is silence, then a loud gunshot is heard.

"Ok, I've done that, now what?"

Answer 9

A lawyer finds a lamp on the beach and rubs it. Out pops a genie and grants him three wishes. The only catch is whatever he wishes for, every other lawyer will get double.

"I'd like a million pounds"
The genie grants his wish, but every other lawyer gets 2 million pounds.

"I'd like a brand new Ferrari"
The genie grants his wish, but every other lawyer gets two new Ferraris

The man thinks long and hard about his third wish.
After a few minutes he says, "I'd like to donate a kidney"

Answer 10

OK...a man gets pulled over for speeding and the officer speaks to him, during the conversation the officers asks the man what his job is, he replies "im an a*sehole stretcher" , the officer says "really how do you do that?" so the man says well i put my fingers in one by one and slowly work the a*sehole until its 6ft". the officer looks puzzled and says "what do you do with them then?" and the driver replies "we give them a hat and put them on the side of a road with a speed gun"

Answer 11

Man & wife go to bed one night. The man starts massaging the woman's leg. The woman rolls over and says "Not tonight honey, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow with my gynochologist and I want to be fresh." The man rolls over, hurt & frustrated. A few minutes later, he rolls over, taps the woman on the shoulder and says "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"