Ok here's the deal. I live in a different province than my 17 year old daughter. We are very close, and have been since she was very young. In the past year, she's mentioned coming to live with me. She gets my hopes up, then changes her mind. This has happened several times. Most recently, she came here with her mother, planning on moving here, I was sooooo happy. Then 2 weeks later they put a knife through my heart once again and said they were going back home because they didn't like it here in the city I live in. Well now once again, she called me last night saying for sure shes coming, she's tired of the small town life, and she realizes there's plenty more opportunities for her here, especially with college and a career just around the corner. I don't want to get my hopes up once again, only to be crushed again in the end. I don't know what to say to her without her getting the wrong notion. I love her more than life itself, but I can't keep being hurt like this. Any ideas?
2006-10-20 02:45:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Quote: THE WORRIER
When she was there with you, out of your immense love to her, did you do anything that would have antagonized her( or something which can be misinterpreted as not normal to a dad?)
Response:
I think I know what you're getting at, and if I'm correct on the assumption, I have only one thing to say.....you are sick.
I was the one always there for my daughter when her mother didn't have the patience or the kind and open ears to listen to a childs'/teens issues. I can't count the number of times she fell asleep crying in my arms because I was in fact the only one most of the time to listen and help solve any problems she had at school or with her friends etc... I was being a loving father, nothing more, hence why we are so close, and her wanting to live with me, rather than running further away.
Thanks for your concern anyway.
2006-10-20 03:56:55 · update #1
Well the problem may be that she will be far away from her mother.. and the change from a small town to a larger city far away is very scary.. it will take her some time to make the final move.. maybe she is afraid she is going to hurt her mothers feeling.. have her come for the weekend or just a week or two and see what she thinks of where you live.. don't say it is a permanent situation for right now.. give her a chance to see if she likes where you are living. and if she thinks that she will find friends. you have to remember that she will be leaving all of her friends behind when she does come to live with you and that is a big problem for kids now days.. Sorry about you being hurt but she is giving up a lot to want to come and live with you.. you said that you got along very good. so there is no problem there. sit down and talk to her and find out what she is reallly feeling... That is the only way you will ever find out if she is really going to make the final move to be with you..Alot is going on in her life right now she is unsure ..
be patient with her and don't let it hurt you so bad.. don't get to excited until she has been with you for a while.. because she still could change her mind and want to go back to her mother and friends.. just means she isn't ready for the change.
be there for her no matter what..
2006-10-20 03:06:42 · answer #1 · answered by Sandy F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Her behavior suits a teenager!!But I think more than she, its her mother who persuades her to go back from you!! As a girl, she will be more dependent on her mother and may not get the same consolation she gets from her mother. She loves you as a dad but fears you as a male with whom she may have limitations.My advice will be to continue a little more with your desperation till the time she is mature enough to take a decision of her own. At this age, her mind is wavering and its not that she doesn't love you.When she was there with you, out of your immense love to her, did you do anything that would have antagonized her( or something which can be misinterpreted as not normal to a dad?)
This can also lead to a situation like what you have explained. Anyway its good to know that she has given due importance to you also and loves you from her heart. A little selfish mother will be adding spice to all these? Is it so?
2006-10-20 03:32:07 · answer #2 · answered by THE WORRIER 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should just keep letting her know how much you love her and that whatever decision she makes is OK with you. I'm sure it's going to be hard on you because she may not choose to go live with you but you need to let her know that if she decides not to it's OK. My brother went through the same thing you are going through with his daughters. In his situation the girls were always getting talked out of going to live with him by their mother. If that's what is happening in your case you need to keep in mind the incredible guilt that is being placed on her, that's why it is so important for you to let her know that you will back her up no matter what she decides. Unfortunately you do stand a chance to get hurt again, I know that my brother had many let downs before one of the girls finally came to live him.
Good luck.
2006-10-20 03:21:09 · answer #3 · answered by words777 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would do some investigating on this. is she fighting with mum and using you as a weapon to get her way? what's going on in her life in the small town that is causing her to want to run away?
on the other hand, moving to a city from a much smaller environment can be scarey. particularly when the only person you know is a parent. it could be that while she truly wishes to live with you, she's not brave enough to make that final step.
IMO, you really need to sit down and have a long chat with your ex about this before talking to your daughter. mum is likely to see things that you aren't hearing about. if that's not possible, do you have a good relationship with anyone in that town? it sounds to me like there are much deeper issues than what it appears on the surface.
2006-10-20 02:55:11 · answer #4 · answered by Ana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should tell her how you feel, because it is possible that she doesn't know. Teenagers/young adults have the tendency to view their parents as sort of invincible, so she may not even realize that she is hurting you by changing her mind all the time. I would just be honest with her and let her know, but at the same time, don't try to guilt trip her.
I'm sure it'll work out fine. Good Luck!
2006-10-20 02:55:38 · answer #5 · answered by iloveeeyore 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'M A WISE PARENT, DON'T FEEL SO BAD........SHE'S 17, SHE'S ACTING COMPLETELY NORMAL, AND A NORMAL TEEN WILL RIP YOUR HEART OUT!! TRY AND UNDERSTAND THAT SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE WANTS, AND IN THE INTRUM YOU GET HURT!! BE BRAVE DAD, AND PATIENT! SHE MAY GO THROUGH WITH THE MOVE AND 2 WKS LATER WANT TO MOVE OUT!! DON'T LET HER MANIPULATE YOU, IF SHE'S BEING A BRAT, PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. WHEN YOU GET A MOMENT WITH HER EXPLAIN THAT HER DECISIONS, AND PROMISES AFFECT OTHERS, AND THAT YOU ARE HUMAN AND SHE HAS HURT YOU!! TRY TO REMEMBER THAT AGES 14-21, IT'S ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S JUST THE WAY GOD MADE EM"! DO YOU REMEMBER BEING 17?????????????
2006-10-20 02:58:26 · answer #6 · answered by mamaexfour 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In the first place you should not let her have so much control over you and your life. Tell her that is great if she wants to come and when or if she comes you and her can get her room ready together and then let her know that your are busy and you will talk later.
2006-10-20 03:32:30 · answer #7 · answered by tannamoad 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Teenager!!!...she probably wants to, but I will bet she doesn't want to leave her friends, and change is scary sometimes....she would be leaving "home".....don't freak out so much, just be glad you have a good relationship with her, cause' lots of parents don't have that. Especially assuming your divorced from her mother....time will tell...
2006-10-20 03:19:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋