My husband and I have had some trying times lately. We have fought about money, his kids, my kids, property, etc. It doesn't really matter what it was about. It's just that it has been really bad, and we both love each other and want to be happy. We want to work things out, but neither of us knows how to "wipe the slate clean" and start over. My question is, is there a way to forgive, forget and start over when you have both hurt each other so badly? I want to go to a counselor, but he doesn't "believe in" counseling. That is not an option. Is there a book that someone has used that was helpful, or maybe just something that you tried that worked. Thank you in advance for any help that you might be able to give me.
2006-10-20 01:34:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
I would suggest that you go to counseling anyway. You can get a perspective on your issues and have a safe 3rd party to vent to. Yes, you can forgive, forget and move on but it's going to take both of you to do it. You have to have clear boundaries with your finances, children etc. and how you deal with them. You can't keep bringing up old arguments or have different rules for your kids and his kids. You need rules that work for everyone. Best of luck. Most of all pray for each other and your children - every day.
2006-10-20 01:41:19 · answer #1 · answered by Hebrews 11 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You cannot 'start over' but you can move forward from here. Get some Christians Counseling.
My advise is for you. Read "The Power of a Praying Woman"
2006-10-20 01:59:11 · answer #2 · answered by Miss Vicki 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you can. Assuming you both are wanting to do this, here's how:
Start at the beginning. Date your husband, and tell him to date you. Make him win you again, and you must entice him again, just like at the beginning. And yes, this means no sex, just dating.
Change your style and tone of speaking about your husband. Speak only good of him and to him. If you have a complaint, are angry at him, be quiet. Take it to God alone.
When he tells you of a problem, listen. Mirror what he says to you, in other words, if he says "I had a bad day, the boss was a jerk and now I come home and the house is a mess..." and so on and so on ... then you say it back to him in a different way, like "I can see you had a bad day. You sound frustrated. Is neatness important? Then we'll work on that later. How can I help you to relax after such a bad day?"
Now, you may not feel like saying it ... do it anyway. Whatever you feel, speak only in love. Try to always keep it in the back of your mind, before you speak, that your feelings will pass, but your marriage is forever. No matter his reaction, you always, always, speak positively and lovingly to him. He will change his ways to suit yours, that's the way God made him hon lol. Men will always allow the woman to decide the emotional state of the home (but don't tell them I said that wink wink).
Try watching or reading some of Joyce Meyers tapes on marriage. She's funny and has loads of Christian-based advice for women, but she's sort of out there in left field about her theology lol. I don't watch her to learn about theology, I just watch to get the good advice on how to act.
2006-10-20 02:05:08 · answer #3 · answered by arewethereyet 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three books to read The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Husband, and the Power of a Praying Parent all written by Stormie Omartian. If he doesn't want to go, go to a Christian counselor without him until he changes his mind. My husband and I were separated when I got hold of the praying wife and as I learned to love my husband through prayer ( through the cussing ,and the fussing), God changed me. Just because you are a Christian couple doesn't mean you won't have troubles. But remember to respect him as God wants you to. What God has put together let no man separate. Just be patient
2006-10-20 02:00:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, with time, focus & intention you can change most anything. Take some time away together and see if you can reconnect, have fun and if so, you have something worth working for and you'll know that all the other stuff is the problem. With children of any age, present a unified front and have strong boundaries. Get counseling or training to improve your parenting skills.
2006-10-20 01:55:59 · answer #5 · answered by Zen Seeker 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love brings you together.
Commitment KEEPS you together.
Only you and your husband can decide that, no matter what, you're going to make it work. You have a lot going on, it's going to take total commitment from both of you. I've been married 20 years and we still have days where we have to make it work. The question is do you WANT to make it work? Find some common ground and start there. Best wishes to you!
2006-10-20 01:39:25 · answer #6 · answered by Char 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most young Christian belivers have sex. If they are an intense full on Christian they can wait. I am a Christian i had sex before marriage. My friends are Christian's and they had sex without being marriade. Growing up these days if your in 6th grade and having sex they see it as not being a surprise.
2016-03-18 22:08:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation sounds much like mine many years ago, which ended in divorce, and in my opinion there are no winners in divorce, only losers. From many years of experience and many years of Christian ministry and study of the Word of God I believe there is only one thing you need to concentrate on, and it is the hardest thing to do but it is forgiveness. Unless both of you learn how to fully forgive you have no hope of anything positive coming out of this. In the Lord's Prayer we pray - Forgive us our sins as we forgive others their sins. You have no idea how powerful a principle of life that is. It will transform your life and your christian relationship. Go before God in prayer and learn with His grace to forgive so that there is no one on the face of this earth whom you haven't fully forgiven. When you do that God forgives you of your trangressions against Him and the release of that guilt in your life can make you a new person. I could go on and on, but only you can do it.
2006-10-20 01:46:50 · answer #8 · answered by oldguy63 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you don't want to go to counseling, then open your Bible to 1 Corinthians chapter 13 (the love chapter) and pray alot.
2006-10-20 01:43:24 · answer #9 · answered by tracy211968 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you’re both Christians, imho you could try the following:
1) Start each one individually with restoring his/her relationship with God. Pray and ask God to reveal to you what has gone wrong between you and Him. Which part of His Word YOU (each one for HIMSELF) failed to value/trust/walk/obey (e.g. there are some specific instructions in Eph. 5:22-33, Col 3:18-19, 1 Peter 3:5-7 and elsewhere)?
2) Ask God to bring you to TRUE REPENTANCE for your mistakes. Remember that it is God’s goodness that leads you to repentance (Romans 2:4). Don’t go further unless you feel it deep in your heart. I’m talking about TRUE REPENTANCE. True repentance has some identifiable characteristics:
a) You feel deep sorrow for the damage you’ve done and the hurt you’ve caused to your spouse, the danger you’ve put in your kids as well as the rest of your family environment. Sorry, no shortcuts for self-righteousness here
b) You feel that you have NO RIGHT to be forgiven. You cannot demand forgiveness. It can only be poured voluntarily from the side that was hurt. Just remember that God forgives us only when we admit that we do not deserve His forgiveness.
3) Get together and let each one admit with a humble spirit his/her faults to the other (based on steps 1&2) and let the other know what a blind, selfish and arrogant spouge you’ve been lately. Say/mean/prove/convince one another how sorry you are about this (at some point you may find yourselves both taking full responsibility for the same point of irritation. That will be a good sign). Don’t forget to renounce your (pseudo-) right to be forgiven, but however ask for each other’s grace and forgiveness (this is the one and only claim we have in front of our Lord anyway).
4) Forgive one another. Forgive unconditionally. Always remember that forgiveness is NOT an option for a Christian. It is a obligation. [Col 3:13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye /
Eph 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you] The scriptures declare it up-front by recording the words of our LORD Jesus Christ saying that you shouldn’t bother asking God to forgive your sins if you do not forgive those who fault you [Mathew 6:14-15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.].
Now, just like true repentance, true forgiveness has also some identifiable characteristics. It is not a general, literary concept. It is a decision. It is a threefold promise that we make, namely:
a. Regarding the person we forgave) That we are not to bring up to the person whom we have forgiven the thing we forgave. We are to treat him as though it did not happen. We are not to constantly harass him or her with reminders of the evil things they did in the past. Some marriages stumble greatly at this point because the partners not only get hysterical, they get historical! They go back over the past, ready to trot it out and rehash it once more. That shows that it has never truly been forgiven in the first place. God does not do that. How terrible it would be if he did---if we had constantly to face reminders from him of the awful things of our past.
b. Regarding everyone else) we do not tell anybody else about the matter that is forgiven. We do not gossip about it to others. It is not that we actually erase it from memory-we may think of it from time to time-but we are not to dwell on it. We are not to allow it to take over again, to awaken feelings of resentment and unfairness and play it all over again. We can do that because we ourselves have been forgiven. Let us remember how graciously God has set aside our own failures.
c. Regarding ourselves) you do not remind yourself of what has been forgiven! Even in your private thoughts you never allow the offense to come up and to color your attitude toward the one you have forgiven. If it does come up, you must put it away and remind yourself that you too need to be forgiven. You do not want people mulling over your sins and dredging them up all the time. No, forgiveness means to put it aside even to yourself because that is what Christ has done for us.
5) Once reconciled, set your priories anew. Put God first in your lives. Start (or restart) spending personal and family time in prayer and studying the word, get involved in the activities of the body of Christ that God has set you in to operate (i.e. the church you attend), ask for the empowerment of the Holly Spirit. In other words, continue fulfilling the will of God in your lives and let His name be glorified.
PS.
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. (Mathew 18:21-22)
you also might find the following useful
http://www.raystedman.org/ephesians/index.html#Relationships
2006-10-20 04:05:56 · answer #10 · answered by Dimitris-Greece 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋