to marry or not?

Question

Here is my situation, I am 21 and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. We both agreed very eary on to take things as they come and just do what feels right with out being pressured by both of out pushy and eager families

We had the marriage talk about a year back and decided we will eventually get married once everything was in order ie: car, good jobs. Anyways, I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure what I want anymore.

Other than for the sake of tradition and my grandma (she will kill me if I don't get married) isn't just closure on a piece of paper and a ring?

Don't get me wrong we're both happy, committed and faithfull in the relationship It's just there is so much involved like costs, planning and stress which I just don't see justified. I'm sitting on the fence here! I did tell him this and he said he still wants to get married but will support my decision if that's what I really want.

What's your opinion either way? pro's or con's?

It's the wedding that I don't want to deal with. But our families are italian and very traditional. If we didn't have a huge big wedding like evryone else our families will be furrious! Oh and we weren't planning on getting married for probably another 2-3 years anyway.

Answer 1

At 21 you are just starting out in the world and really the gist of your 20`s is about getting to know yourself in the world. People grow and change alot in their 20`s and how you see the world now will be different from how you view it 10 years from now - and 10 years from now is still young, so don`t feel you need to "get ahead" or figure out your life yet (it sound like your aware of that though).
I `m not saying to break up, I`m just saying I`d advise not getting married till your at least mid 20`s.(by then you may have concluded you dont even agree with marriage!) And its harder to change things once you are married and have kids. You may end up with this man, or you may not, but take your time before solidly commiting.
Enjoy your 20`s, don`t put unnessacary pressure and sacrifice upon yourself at 21.

Answer 2

I'd spend the next few years working on your family. It sounds to me like you're really only opposed to the wedding--and I know how that feels. Being prissy, trying to get all your friends from all over together, organizing a big event, being judged by how well you did it, mediating between relatives--any one of those can be enough to make some people want to run. And why should you have to do all those things if you don't want to, don't feel like it's you, or just can't afford it? Maybe you'd rather have a down payment on a house. Or have that time to write a novel. Or take an intimate vacation and ceremony with just your future husband.

The wedding should be about you. You should not have to pretend to be someone you're not. You should not have to act like you are an pure young thing being presented to your man, or a bratty child who needs this one day to make her life worth living. The desire for these things makes some people get married too soon, and seeing them as you do makes you ready to avoid at least one pitfall. There are lots of things you could do instead--have a casual outdoor ceremony--have a party for a bunch of your friends--have a tiny ceremony involving your religion but just your families--take a trip and just invite a few friends--secretly elope...

In the next few years, you might feel more comfortable about your choice and decide you really want a wedding. You might be able to strike a compromise with your families. You might decide you're opposed to marriage at all and do something else. You might meet someone else, and feel right about having a frilly wedding with him (it does sound like you're a little unsure about your choice--and who wouldn't be--you're only 21--you have plenty of time). Or you might tell everyone to leave you alone--after all, you should only compromise so much to please your family...

Answer 3

I dislike parents pushing their children to marry, it is so wrong. You must listen to your heart, which is telling you " don't do it ". You are so young, you need to experience life far more before making this sort of commitment, go on adventures, do silly things, be spontaneous, as once you marry and have have children these things will be far more difficult to achieve. I am also a little concerned that at the tender age of 21 that you've been committed to a guy for 4 years. You need to live a little first before you decide whether you truly, deeply want to marry your boyfriend - to be honest I think you already have doubts.
Incidentally marriages don't have to be huge, showy events, if your family love you unconditionally they will understand this. Remember that this is your life and not your families. I wish you all the happiness possible.

Answer 4

I'm not sure if you don't want to go with the ceremony or if you're in doubt about marrying your bf. It sounds like you're with a really good guy and if you're in love and see yourself with him for a longer period of time I would get married in your place...not necessarily at this point but in the next few years depending on whenever you're both ready. The whole ceremony and planning the wedding shouldn't be a reason not to get married. It's not the most fun part of the wedding but think of the end result. Good luck with everything

Answer 5

To marry.
You have a good foundation already witha good man, and a right kinda love. Think of how much you'd like that when its even more solid, coz that what will happene once you marry him. You will have some kind of respect from, and even more respect for the relationship.
Maybe im the wrong persont o ask, im getting married soon, and i have the coldest feet u can come across, but i know its just nerves!

Answer 6

Life is better together when you are married. It feels cozier. You have told each other, your families, and the whole world that you two are together. Weddings do not have to be stressful or expensive. Our daughter got married on a bridge in a flower conservatory with only immediate family present. Total cost for rental, minister, bridal gown, maid of honor gown, tux rentals, was approx $300. She wanted to "be married" she just didn't want to "get married." They have been married 8 yrs. Her mother & I were married on the beach at sunrise with our best friends, flowers, and a gallon jug of Ripple wine. Total cost approx $30. We have been married 40 yrs.

Answer 7

You do not sound as if you should even be thinking about marriage , at this time you are writing so hesitantly.. as to what you are ready for, I say wait till you really ready, and tell all family members, you're not ready yet. I mean thats ,for a life time commitment .or till what ever, but you got to be sure, before you jump in,, Or you may just drown,. in a month. and want out, it's expensive to get married .but ten times that ,to get divorced.

Answer 8

you could have a minimum wedding, in my country it's called the Registry Office.
that would save a lot of money and stress.
my advice is you don't marry the guy.
you're both too young and you haven't experienced the world, seeing that you have been with him since school.
wait five more years, and marry then if you are still together.

Answer 9

Are your doubts about being married or having a wedding?

Answer 10

i vote marriage
then you get a honeymoon