Am I dragging out a futile relationship?

Question

We've been together for nearly 3 years but living seperately. She's divorced with a 10 year old daughter who is rather spoilt and jealous of me getting between her and her mother. She's made problems for her step mum too so I'm not alone. My partner however seems to act as if the child needs special attention because of the break up. She now keeps us seperate as we don't get on and this means that as long as her ex or a babysitter can't look after the daughter I don't get to see my partner. On top of this she doesn't want any more kids - I'm not bothered but at least lets have some fun now - and her current image of us settleing down is when the daughter reaches 18. In the first 2 years I tried very hard to get on with her daughter but like her dad, she's a bit manipulative. Her mum is a bit soft on her I think because she feels guilty divorcing. So, should I wait another 8 years sneaking around behind her daughters back or should I quit while I still have my own teeth and hair? Thanks

Answer 1

First of all a child of divorce does need a lot of time caring and attention. However I would by no means wait around for her child to reach adulthood before being acknowledged as a partner. It seems as if her dad saw no problem remarrying. Tell your partner to either be open about your relationship or it will be time to move on. 3 years is long enough for the child to come to terms with the fact that mommy and daddy are no longer going to be together. I feel sorry for your partner it seems that in trying to please her child she will end up a lonely old woman. Find someone who is willing to work on a open and honest relationship with someone else and chalk this one up to experience.

Answer 2

Goodness me...........I don't have experience of being a step parent but whilst I can understand her Mum having guilt feelings about divorcing it seems to me that after 2 years if things haven't improved the probably never will. The thought that came to mind is..........do you want to be a family or are you content to sneak around for another 8 years? Rather think that by asking the question you know the answer. Personally, I think your partner needs to include you in, even if only at friend level, but I somehow feel that's been tried and discounted. The daughter (albeit 8 years old) needs to understand that she can not decide who her mother choses as friends, but her mother must set the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and deal with unacceptable behaviour.. It is unreasonable to expect you to wait 8 years for the relationship you want..........with no guarentee of success. If you partner is already feeding the daughter's tantrums rather than addressing the difficulties how will that change in 8 years time when the daughter is a feisty, hormonal teenager whose view of you will have been validated by her Mum's capitulation to what are.........at 8 .........basically temper tantrums and a need to know her Mum loves her and won't leave her. The child is feeling insecure, but, unwittingly the mother is playing into the child's hands. Who is in control there? Methinks it's not the Mum, so Mum needs to address that issue otherwise you are on a hiding to nowhere.

Answer 3

Oh sorry mate but sounds like someone is not ready to settle. I don't think the child is that much of the prob, your partner is. She's using the child to shy away from commitment. Who can blame her, it must have been hard to have to end a marriage. She may be in a place where she really wants to wait that long. If she was in a hurry she would have found professional help already. She also may jus be feeling guilty and she still needs help along with the daughter and the other pair whom she's also giving a tough time. What makes it worse is that the child knows she has so much power, and man, she's in charge. She should not get away with it - her mother deserves a life too. Its all complicated but make it clear to your partner that you are not going to jus park you life and wait for her daughter to grow up. Its not fair - she can chose what she wants to do with her 8 yrs but what happens in your life MUST be up to YOU. Its your life!!

Answer 4

It seems to me that this girl that you are seeing has a guilty conscience about the breakup and is letting the daughter run her life because of it. Until, she is ready to wake up and say hey I am the mom here and take control of her life back then she is not going to be able to be in any kind of a relationship and she is not going to be completely happy either. Unless, you want to live in this drama (don't know why anyone would) then you should move on and find a women that has time for you, whether she is single or divorced.

Answer 5

your partner will never ever put her child before someone else. why stay and be miserable when you could meet and have a whale of a time with someone new? if your worried about how shel take it shel get over it it happens to everyone at some point. i think your in a no win situation and better off out. Or find someone now and finish with her when youve found the right person, youl feel less bad then because youl be having fun and being happy!

Answer 6

I think you know the answer. If you're not perfectly content move on. They come as a package and you won't see the back of her at 18. Mum must love you enough to stand up for the relationship. How would you feel if you waited and then she ran off to marry somebody else?

Answer 7

I'm so sorry to be blunt but you need to get out that relationship and find someone who truly appreciates you. This child knows what she is doing at the age of 10 and the older she gets the worse it is going to get, you've given it a good shot for 3 years and it hasn't worked so it will never work out now, your partner is out of order for not listening to you and smothering her child and giving in to her every need.

Answer 8

you sound really fed up..if you are not accepting this situation after 3 years then do you really think more time will change your feelings? you know the answer and you don't want to be 'the bad guy' but holding onto this woman when you feel like moving on isn't loving..let her find her destiny and you find yours. the thing about kids is a big deal. I've had to split up with guys cos i don't want them and felt it was unfair to stop them.. so..

Answer 9

its tough mate but kids cant do wrong in their parents eyes and they always have to come 1st. your partner sounds ok,but i think she is afraid of the same thing happening again if you have kids together.if u love eachother i thik u should persivere an if possible keep trying to befriend her daughter and show her u care for her as u do her mum. good luck

Answer 10

Find a nice lady who will love you and wants someday to have your children.
The other situation is nothing but trouble. Sorry.
Know its difficult after 3 yrs. but the sooner you get on with your own life and what you want....the better.
Good luck.