I'm I really that "BAD" of a mom??

Question

Hi!
I am 33 years old with a 3 year old boy, Jason and another son, Cody on the way in Jan. I have people say that I am a "bad" mom becuase my son has never been away from us. We do not have any family in the town we live in. Our nearest family we have is 4 1/2 hours away. He only sees my parents 4-6 times a year and maybe 1-2 times a year for my husband's parents who live almost 11 hours away. As far as my husband's family is concerned, I don't trust my inlaws at all. My Mom-in-law left my son in his stroller by him self when he was 6 weeks old alone in his stroller. So I don't allow her to be by her self with any of my kids what so ever. I don't care how old they are.
We don't have any friends that have kids his age. And we don't know a soul who could babysit. So, we just take him with us where ever we go. I have tried to put him in my Gym's daycare. But, he freaked out so bad that I stopped going to the gym. He dosen't do well on his own.

He would rather play with us then other kids. We go to the park 2-5 times a week for about an hour or so. He just watches most of the time. He does go an play but, he has a habit of going up to other kids and hugging them. It dose scare them off sometimes. He still would rathter play with my husband & I then other kids.

He is not potty trained yet. He has no consept of it yet and he is no intersted in it. And I am not going to push it with another child on the way.

I don't really see the harm in being with him all the time. He is a happy child. And my husband & I really would not know what to do with our selves with out him.

There is not a pre-school here that will take a child that isn't potty trained. I have tried everything to get him potty trained except candy rewards ( he has never had candy in his life) He just dosen't want to do it!

I will repeat! I don't know anybody to baby sit our child. And no one will baby sit him for free. The pre-schools will not take him if he isn't potty trained. So we are stuck. It is hard to let him "be on his own" when you can't do it.

I tried the gym daycare for 2 weeks. He freaked out each time and I was in site of him at all times. He is very attached to me. I am not sure if the breastfeeding had anything to do with it. I nurse him until he was over 2 1/2 year old. But, I did give up!
It wasn't worth my money to spend there if he was upset. And daycares are very pricy here. The cheapest around that we have is 550.00 a week part time if your child is not potty trained. I can't afford it. It is cheaper for him to stay with me while my husband works.

My husband & I are not church going people. And we don't believe in Daycare. It cost too much money. And don't you think it is rude to ask someone you know to babysit?

Answer 1

He doesn't do well on his own because he's never been on his own.

It's good that he loves to be around you because at this age they need their parents more than anyone. But what's going to happen on that first day of preschool or kindergarten? He's going to be on his own in a room full of children who he doesn't know and being looked after by a teacher he doesn't know. Children need to be with their parents alot at this age, but still need to learn how to hold their own when it comes to being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.

Never had candy in his life? Okay, at first I thought maybe you're just a little protective but come one--no candy? He's only a child once..maybe you should let up a little.

And how do you know that he would rather be with you than around children his own age? He probably would love to have a little buddy to play with, but he's been so sheltered that he thinks he can't play with children or that he doesn't need to because he has mom and dad around all the time. He needs to learn how to interact with children--his kindergarten class isn't going to be filled with adults, ya know.

I've tried to be nice, but I can't help but be a bit harsh now. Here's what you need to do:

First, potty train his little ***! You better do it now before your second child arrives. Do you even realize how hard it is going to be to potty train a toddler when you have a newborn in the other room? Besides, he's 3 yrs. old. He should be potty trained by now. Not only is he behind because of it, it is holding him back from preschool. People need interaction with other people like them. Your son needs other little friends who are his age.

Answer 2

If your child is showing no interest in potty training at this age maybe you should consult your pediatrician. I am betting that a new sibling will be very traumatic to a child who is obviously suffering from separation anxiety whenever you are apart and who isn't used to sharing you with anyone else. You will have your hands full dealing with a new baby and your older child. You have allowed your child to control the entire situation and now he will be very upset when things HAVE to change after the baby is born. Find a playgroup- check with your doctors office, on line, somewhere and start socializing that child. Church is not a bad thing even though you aren't "church going people". You will find other mothers, lots of small children and some support and guidance which you really do need. I don't think you are a bad mom but you do seem pretty clueless and if you cannot get control of the situation for fear of upsetting the three year old I don't know what you will do when he's 13. You are going to have to get tough. Find a local sitting service or even a local high schooler to watch him for 15-30 minutes in his own home while you "run an errand" It will be cheap enough and worth it to have a better adjusted child before the new sibling gets there. Reassure him when you leave and as soon as you get back. It will take time but he will get over it. Good Luck

Answer 3

If you are a stay at home mom, don't you dare worry about what others think. If your children are fed, bathed, clothed, and loved, what more do they need? What more do you need to do in order to qualify as a "good" parent? I don't think it's bad to ask people you know to babysit. If it's only for a couple hours once every couple weeks so you and your husband can have a lovely evening out, I see no harm in asking. Since you say you don't have the money to pay for babysitting, maybe you can offer to bake something for them instead.

Daycares are definitely expensive...mine charges about 600 per month for kids under the age of 6 who attend full time. I am thankful to receive assistance from the state...I only pay a monthly co-pay of $180, and once my daughter starts 1st grade next year, the price should go down because she will only be at the daycare part-time. But...in your case, if you don't work, you shouldn't even need a daycare.

As for the potty training...my daughter was just past age three when she learned to use the toilet. Over Thanksgiving weekend, that was all we did. I had a four-day weekend, and I was determined to get her using the toilet. I remember asking her every half hour or so if she needed to use the toilet and even if she said no, I'd put her on the toilet anyway. I'd wait about five minutes, and if she went, she got a treat. If she didn't go, I reassured her that it was okay and that if she felt she had to go, TELL ME and I'd take her to the bathroom. By the end of the four days, she was using the toilet. You cannot give up just because he doesnt seem interested in learning. If you give up, so will he. Be persistent and consistent and your hard work will pay off. I'd say definitely have him potty-trained before your new baby arrives in January. I'd think changing diapers for a three year old and a newborn can get awfully difficult!

You're not a bad mom. It just seems access to playmates for your son is limited!

Answer 4

Hi, I'm a social worker and a mom, and no you are not a bad mom.

However I see a serious bonding issue yours and his....before I get slammed, in my personal opinion, breastfeeding that long is not medically necessary and is too long.

My dear, if you want until the new baby comes to potty train, you're in for a mess.

Where does he sleep? With you, I'm betting.....the attachment issue isn't just his, it is yours too. The evidence of a strong and healthy bond is that the child can seperate and return to you and feel secure...at 3 your child should have that....you need to get this under control or he is going to have some issues in school.......

First off....at three he ought to be getting potty trained. You should be working on it everyday and you should be pushing it....let me guess you did child led weaning and that is why he nursed well past the point that he should have been beginning potty training.

I don't mean to sound so judgemental, but there is a pattern here.

I repeat that you are not a bad mother, but you need to start working on these things with him.

For potty training....take 3 straight days and GO NO WHERE....Have him go pantless and put him on the potty every 15 minutes.......Pullups only at night (not a diaper) be firm...the diapers are all gone....if he pees....he'll have to sit in it and you'll have to clean it up.

What is wrong with a candy incentitive.....I'd rather see a kid eat a little sugar than be in diapers at four and never get to preschool.
I gave 2 M&Ms for trying or pee pee and five for poop.

You need to find a sitter. Call a local church and get some references.....here is my advice, someone older and more mature....wean him into sitting...stay for the first few times he meets the sitter. I cannot believe that there are not resources for you to find someone to babysit....do you live in Alaska?

You should also look into Mommy and Me playgroups, many community services offer playgroups where you stay (to get him used to playing with kids with the security that you are there)

The local library should have library time where you can go for story time, if not, you can just take him where there are other kids.

Also, my son took classes through the local community center when he was three...they didn't care if you were potty trained....they wouldn't change the kids though....the classes were only 90 minutes.....I took a book and read in the hallway.

You are not a BAD MOM....but this is not healthy for your child.

Answer 5

I don't think you or your husband are bad people. Like you said
you know no one. And your family lives 4 1/2 hours away. Your husbands family lives 11 hours away. So that is a good damn
excuse for you not to leave him with anyone. Besides as you said the day care center does not take children whom are not
potty trained. It is your choice not to take them to day care. But
as for potty train, keep at it, because your oldest is already 3 and
is able to attend pre-school. Every child should start school at this age it gives them a head start for Elementary school. Have your husband should be the one to help him learn how to aim
besides he has the right tools. So when your youngest grows older then you know what to do when the time comes.

Answer 6

Good luck when the Tiny Tyrant realizes he is no longer King.

You both have attachment issues...and the Diminutive Dictator is in for a very rude awakening come January.

*YOU* also have control issues (I've read some other posts of yours). It's very easy to find a babysitter if you want to. I assume you're not a complete idiot, so you just don't really want to find a babysitter. You ask other parents at, say, the library, the park (you say you go to the park), the gym daycare. You put up an advert at a local high school or college, interview the applicants, get some references, etc. Have the candidate over and see how s/he interacts with the child (and, yes, your child will have a fit - why shouldn't he? That's how he gets Mommy to kow-tow). And then LEAVE. Someday your child will have to learn how to do on his own, and, the longer you keep up this completely unhealthy behavior, the harder it will be for him AND you.

Like I said, good luck in January...you're going to need. Prepare yourself for a world of regression.

Answer 7

No. I think you are doing the best you can, considering your situation. It's often like that with the first child if you don't have other family around. Everything will be fine, especially when your next is born. There will be a bit of jealousy, but then Jason will have a little brother to take care of.
Leaving your kids with strangers and irresponsible in-laws is overrated.
Trust your own judgment. He'll go to school in his own time. He'll potty train soon too. If there are any kids "classes" or groups where you could go together and participate together with other kids with their parents, it might be just the thing.

Answer 8

I have a daughter who is 2 1/2 years old. I work and My husband stays home with her. I am also having problems potty training her. I bought a book that has a sound button "Dora's Potty Book" and that seems to be helping a little bit. I don't really trust my in-laws to take good care of her. I also live about 6 hours away from my family. Only I just can't afford day care. My daughter is very smart from staying home with me and my husband. I see nothing wrong with the way you are raising your son. How did the moms and dads do it before babysitters and nannies?

Answer 9

I understand your situation...in a way. I'm 42 and my son (only child) is two 1/2. There just IS no one to leave him with. Everybody has either passed away or is too old to handle him lol. But I did not want him to be a clingy child who lacked independence or social development so I introduced him to a daycare for a couple of days a week. At first, I had to stay with him but the more he learned to socially interact and play with other children, the more I would step away from the situation. Having another son will actually help your situation because you won't be able to pay as much attention to him as you did before and he will become more independent and able to take care of himself more.

Answer 10

Do you have playgroups where you are? Here in Australia, mums and toddlers get together on a wekkly basis for a few hours in a hall or park. You get to meet new mums and the kids play togther. You can also have a roster where each week one of the mums supplies morning tea and another arranges an age appropriate craft activity. This way your son will learn to interact at his own pace and you can meet some new people. My best friend and I met 8 years ago at playgroup when our children were toddlers. If you don't have one where you are you can start your own. Put a notice in the local child clinic or shop window etc. I hope this helps.

Answer 11

Your perspective will surley change in January when Cody arrives on the scene. If you think it would be a hassle to potty-train while you are pregnant, think of what a hassle it will be with a new baby in the house. You will be changing two sets of diapers! What if unexpected complications arise in your pregnancy causing a premature C-section and prolonged stay in the hospital for you and Cody? Who will look after Jason? Your Husband may be able to take time off work, but how long???? A situation like that could last up to a few months.

It is important for Cody to be able to interact with other people, not just other children. It is important for you to have friends and family to interact with and who will help you also. Your unsocial behavior is being pushed off on your child, that is unfair to him! He deserves a chance to develop normally in a healthy environment. You say that he simply does not want to be potty trained? Tell me this, who is the adult, you or him? Assert yourself and be the adult here, if not for your own health and well-being, then certainly for Jasons.