What do you think about this poem?

Question

There is a beauty of the soul
Unseen with human eyes.
Far brighter than any star.
Clearer than sunny skies.
This is the jewel with us all.
Hidden away inside.
I am greatful to have glimpsed this gem.
That from the world you hide.
May you live your life in peace.
I would wish you untouched by tears
But I know that sorrow too
Accompanies these earthly years.
So may you always hold on to
The gem that is you,
And may throughout these years
It shine with beauty true.

Thanks for all honest and helpful answers. I wrote it for my friends that I met here. I still have work to do on it.

Dear Pleasure-and Pain: Good writing. Sad, profound, and beautiful.

Answer 1

I think it sounds like a Hallmark card.

Answer 2

This poem might be accepted as is by a greeting card company, and it might be moving to many people.

Poetry fashions are always changing. In contemporary academic poetry circles, it would probably rate a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10.

If you had any interest in writing for an academic audience, you could read a lot of poetry books and magazines, and consider taking a creative writing course at a local university.

If you wanted ideas to play with in writing another version of this poem, you could do several things:

- Drop the idea of regular meter and rhyme.

- Avoid any generalities (beauty of the soul)

- focus on specific, real, detailed images and sensations

- lead the reader to share your experience by connecting these specific, real details

- Avoid the tendency to lecture on overarching themes

Answer 3

Thats really beautiful. i love the message you and trying to get across. its almost like a song. the only thing i might say is a couple of your rhymes are a little dr. suessish. But really, i like it a lot. I'm a poet myself, so i know that sometimes you ask if anyone likes it even though you have no intention of changing it, so if you never touch it, it is still a peice of great literature

Answer 4

that was nicely written and you ended it beatifuly
what do you think about this one


At the top of mountain and at the bottom of the sea
Searched high and low for and answer, for someone to rescue me
Ran up the stairs and tumbled down to see
If anyone cared to run over and save me

I drank the devil‘s blood and mixed it with a gallon of Gin
To see if someone would be waiting with aspirin at the end
Floated down the river to reach the fall
Hoping that a good man would name call

I walked a million miles around the world
Just to see if anyone knew I was missing
Cut myself into a thousand pieces and dropped them all over the earth
To see if anyone even noticed it was sprinkling

Out of breath crying ,bleeding ,and afraid a thought hit me
Found out what I was searching for was always with me

So I slammed my bedroom door plopped on my bed and started to snore

Answer 5

Very Descriptive and Rhythmic!
And Good to Read!
I make notes on my 360 Page(That I term as Poetry)Have a Look and let Me know what You think!

Answer 6

Hi Debra....your poem is lovely...I wrote a few myself...I'll share this one with you...(I wrote it after the first of two suicides of my brothers).......



THROUGH THE STORM



When darkness surrounds me and all seems so bleak,
during sorrow and heartache, when my faith is weak;
there is One who sustains me, who knows how I feel;
in His Presence there’s comfort that’s ever so real.


His Heart breaks with mine for the pain that’s within;
Because all of my suffering truly hurts Him.
His tears mix with mine as He holds me so tight;
He wants me to lean on His power and His might.


Though often I fail Him and lash out in pain
His forgiveness floods through me like a soft gentle rain.
He walks me through storms; through trials thick and thin,
and when I am lonely He welcomes me in.


He teaches me daily, as I journey through life,
to trust in His Love in the midst of my strife;
‘cause there’s a time coming, that glorious Day,
when we’ll meet face to face, and my tears wipe away!
(Copy write pending)

Answer 7

It's not bad, and I hate most of the corny poems people post here. Just tweek the grammar a bit.

Answer 8

like it because it looks for the inner beauty of the soul and spirit where the real beauty of a person is not the physical shell.

Answer 9

Absolutely lovely and very beautiful. God Bless the hands that wrote it.

Answer 10

Sorry Deb. As a poem it is boring, even though it has a few nice bits.