my daughter is 19 and she chooses to be with a loser shes got a baby thats 1 and shes pregnant again but hes in jail .......lol {thats a good thing trust me} my ? is,.......why would a girl want to be with an abusive loser help me im confused in Az...lol keep in mind he hasnt done anything for his son and im not sure what he will do "if" anything for his next child HELP!!
2006-10-19 03:46:56 · 14 answers · asked by ~*cindy *~ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
to be honest, you cant help who u fall in love. he could have been the perfect boyfriend for a while (almost tricking her into falling for him) perhaps your daughter is attracted to rough & tough men, and mayb now she feels guilty and doesnt want to be a single parent. have u tried talking to her, perhaps advising her on the best for her children - becoz if he's abusive to her, he'll be abusive to them (guaranteed!!)
but, you cant force her to leave him if she loves him, at the end of the day it is her decision (it may not be the best decision) but all you can do is give good motherly advice.
best of luck!
2006-10-19 03:54:03 · answer #1 · answered by вℓαмє_¢αиα∂α 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is a loser, what is your daughter? How did she get from age, say 14 to 19 with not a clue about her responsibility to a child, her inability to judge character at all and shack up with a guy who is in jail - for abusing her, I assume - and is pregnant again and will be about every 18 months now. Living on welfare, of course. She is with the loser because he is exciting and treats her like crap which is what she feels she is because she has always felt like that. This is nothing new, she has always been like this and you know it. What did you expect her to do? Go to college and date and get engaged, marry and start a family or begin a career? If a child is not brought up to succeed, they will not succeed. Your daughter is a product of her home environment. Understand that and you will come to be able to help and protect your grandchildren one day soon and perhaps eventually your daughter. Get defensive and deny, deny, deny and you will succeed in seeing to it that your grandchildren fail also.
Not one of us parents gets it right all of the time. No one taught us and we are products of our parents, whatever their abilities to parent were. You should not take this personal, this is a time to start learning a new approach - tough love is good - and see that your grandchildren are safe. She should be back home or with a relative and not brainwashed and believing that her first responsibility is to the loser in the grey bar hotel.
Good luck!
2006-10-19 04:24:00 · answer #2 · answered by ALWAYS GOTTA KNOW 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You did not give much info, usually one falls for a loses because mom did. Girls usually will choose some one like there dad. Or if she was raised really stricked then they tend to rebel and be with losers. When does he get out of jail. Do they live together???
What do they do for money.???? IN the end the only thing to do is if you love your daughter and those grandbaby's tell her so. Say if you did me call me and i will be there. But do not baby her she is on her own as far as bad chooses go. Good luck
2006-10-19 03:58:37 · answer #3 · answered by picture 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm a parent and I can relate! By your daughter being 19 that makes her grown. So the only thing you can do is just be there in case she needs your shoulder to cry on. I know you don't want her with that man. But if you constantly fight that matter, it's only going to draw her closer to him. Take a step back even if it knots your belly. Let your daughter learn the hard way. Just have her back if the situation gets serious. If you want me to come out to AZ and kick his a*s, I'd be more then glad to do it. I'll even bring my crew! LOL! Take care! and Good Luck!
2006-10-19 03:52:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont know, I think once your daughter did it with him the first time, she felt a stronger connection, and those types of things are hard to break. My advice is to cut off all contact with your daught her her bf. If your daughter refuses, just relize that she is in to deeply in love(if you call it love) and when she comes around and relzes her man is a loser, just be there for her cuz she will be hurt. Don't do the whole i was right and see what happened thing because that will not help at all!
2006-10-19 04:34:57 · answer #5 · answered by zammivox 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. One thing to look at is what examples have you set for her in terms of relationships with men? Another is how have you been there to support her emotional growth so she would believe she is worthy of being happy and worth being with a great man? Now taking the spotlight off you- it is possible she just made a stupid mistake by getting involved with him, but as for most women (even men) its hard to just up and leave someone you've grown attached to (or grown to love), theres a bit of denial and hope that holds them together alot longer than they should be and... since she's pregnant... well that probably holds her there more. Please support her in her time of need and be there for her whether he will be or not. Accept her decision to stay with him if thats what she chooses UNLESS he puts her or her child in physical harm than you should report him immediately.
2006-10-19 03:55:21 · answer #6 · answered by HE'S NOT INTO ME 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow - that's a lot to handle. Nothing worse than worrying about someone you love, when there's a limit on what you can do about it.
Why is she with him? Well, unless there's something to him that you haven't seen... there could be a lot of reasons.
1) he needs her, or she feels he does - is she the sort who's always taking care of other people? If someone's a mess, then he needs you, whether he sees it or not, so you'll always be wanted, in a way, because he'll always be a mess and always need you. If feeling needed is her big thing, then someone who seems like he'll always need her could be a big draw.
2) there's some kind of fantasy life going on. Maybe she's built this up in her mind to the point where "nobody understands him but me, nobody appreciates him but me." It's easy to get drawn to the drama, because it makes you feel special, as though you're in some kind of great romance nobody else understands.
3) She wants to believe he's really a better person, inside, than he seems on the surface, because once in a while, he's kind to her.
4) They share a baby, and it's hard to accept that your baby's father or mother isn't a good person.
5) She thought it would work out and it's hard to let that go - she may be thinking that it'll all work out if she can just figure out how.
What's really clear is that she needs to understand that she's now responsible for the futures of two little people, in addition to her own, so it's time to grow up. By getting pregnant, she committed herself to put the kids first, end of discussion. Is their father what's best for them?
Is watching her in a relationship with someone who's in jail the best choice for them (if he's learned his lesson, honestly, and is working hard to rebuild his life without making any excuses for what he did, then it might be - otherwise, he's not modeling good behavior for the kids). Can she honestly tell herself that the way he treats her is the kind of behavior she wants her kids to learn?
It's "no excuses" time for her - no excuses for herself, or him. There are two little kids counting on her to get this right. It's also time for her to commit to not having any more kids until she gets her life straightened out.
All of which, unfortunately, is beyond you or me - but you're in a position to urge her to grow up and take ownership of her choices. She might not the first time, or the fifty-first, but maybe the fifty-second. Good luck!
2006-10-19 05:05:40 · answer #7 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't really choose who another person falls in love with. Sorry. Best you can do is offer her support, spoil the grandbabies (you know you love that!) and maybe she'll come around. If she's still living with you, it might be a good time to tell her to move out. And make sure she's knows that the loser can't live you with when he's released.
2006-10-19 03:51:08 · answer #8 · answered by Mo the treehugger! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U pretty much answered ur question in the question....she is 19
years old!!!! I'm guessing it might also have to do with her self-
esteem. Is it possible that she does not feel worthy of someone
that will that treats her better. Was her father there for her enough?
Maybe she felt put down alot during her younger years. There are so many factors that make us "do the things we do" that aren't here
to help us answer the question but those two are the roots of why
she chose him.
2006-10-19 04:01:00 · answer #9 · answered by des 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all have spent time with losers at some point and lots of us have had children with losers ME INCLUDED. The most you can do is support your daughter and always be there for her and HOPE she gets the message and gets rid of the loser sooner than later.
2006-10-19 03:52:19 · answer #10 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋